Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sunday Morning

Night watch was wonderful last night. Before we went to Night Watch, we went to a 5:30 meeting. There was a drunk man there who is about to lose one or both of his feet from frostbite. He is homeless and fell asleep in a snowbank. Although he is homeless and beat up, I could see a young man under that filth, beard, and hair. I hope to God that he can recover. Last night he really wanted to. Two of the men took him to the hospital. I will be praying for him, and thanking God for men like the ones who took the time to load him into their car and care for him.

I am so grateful for the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yesterday morning at the 6:30 meeting, I recalled a time in sobriety when I had a health scare. I drove straight from the doctor's office to church. As I sat in the church, I was planning my funeral! I was thinking the AA people would take about half the church, my work friends the other, and I decided they really needed more seating to contain all the people who would turn out to mourn my passing!!! (oh the grandiosity of alcoholics sometimes.) Then I recalled a time when I was 21 years old. In the ravages of alcoholism. I had decided to kill myself. I was writing a suicide note. What stopped me from carrying through my plan? When I realized that my body would not be found until my rent was late enough for my landlord to come into my apartment. What a dreadful thought. It still makes me shudder to think of that kind of aloneness, the aloneness that results from a life where you hurt everyone who loves you. What a difference a few years and being sober makes. Thank you God.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49

11 comments:

dAAve said...

I could not help but chuckle at your funeral plans. Sorry. LOL
If I die while typing this, it would be days before anyone finds my body. Am I a loner?

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

You think dAAve a loner, MC? Nah! don't think so.

Mary Christine said...

I don't think so either Noor. Daave, if you don't post something by 6:00 a.m., I start worrying about you and a bunch of other people do too!

Pam said...

thanks MC...i needed a look at "hope" today. I need to always remember our minds think different than normal people. I play the funeral game too sometimes ....mine and other peoples.

Sober @ Sundown said...

I have never planned my funeral. I guess that is because I haven't done my will yet...... How alcoholic is that?

It is so comforting knowing that I will never have to be alone again.

lushgurl said...

I remember making suicide plans many times in the past too...feeling lonely and sorry for poor me, and the worst part was knowing that (like you), my body would go undiscovered for weeks...

It is so comforting to know that at least today, I have allowed people to love me enough to care if I am or not... Thank you for the reminder XOX

recoveryroad said...

What's a Night Watch?

That's hardcore re the young guy. I'll pray for him.

Diego said...

Great post....It made cry and laugh...I'm so thankful to God that I found you....You give me hope...Have a great Super Bowl Sunday!!!

BigSkymAAck said...

hey I for one am very happy that you did not do that, we would have missed the dance.
FAEA

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Powerful post MC. Thank you for not killing yourself.
JJ

Christine said...

thank you God that you are still here and God put a thought in you that stopped you
love you