Yes, I just got home from church. It was wonderful. On the way out of the door, I hugged the Pastor and told him how glad I am that he is there and how grateful I am for him. One more of the things that would or could never have happened 23 years ago when I was deep in my disease.
I am also grateful that I am less than half way through a three day weekend. I still have plenty to do. I still have a headache. It might be from all the tears that seem to keep springing from my eyes. Hey, maybe I will do what I frequently do on the weekends and write a big long self-disclosing post when I have this delusional belief that no one reads my blog. Let me be quick to say that I AM grateful for anyone who does read my blog. Thank You.
It would be reasonable for you to wonder why it is that I am crying. There are many reasons, mostly to do with people I care about. The number one thing that is disturbing me these days is the fact that my only son has several more months to serve in Iraq. I seem to have lost my ability to cope with this. It being Memorial Day weekend really does not help. I cannot turn on the television set because it is too much for me to bear. He was on leave in Australia for several weeks, and I think just having a two week reprieve from having that worry hanging over my head made the weight of its presence so much more unbearable now. I have faith that I will get used to it again and cope again with it. But for now... not so good. (and the fact that I do not feel free to talk about this because people use it as a platform from which to launch their political vitriol does not help!)
I have been at my workplace for nearly 13 years. In those years, I have seen many people I have grown to care about leave. I have seen a few die. In my current incarnation, I am rather isolated. I sit in my office and analyze - it is my job. However, I need human contact. In the last several years, I have become very close to two women - they both gave notice two weeks ago. There is no one else in the organization I am close to anymore. Thank God my daughter works in the same building. But as for workie girlfriends... no mas.
Then, on Thursday night, the man I am dating (but not talking about) called to tell me he is moving. I had been dealing with this fairly well. We had dinner on Friday night and I saw him craning his neck to look at something behind me... it was a TV set in the bar part of the restaurant which had a baseball game on. Then the spring of involuntary tears flowed again down my face. I do not normally watch baseball, but when we started seeing each other last year, much of our courtship involved baseball in one way or another - so to me it is all about him. I was talking with him on the phone yesterday and he said "do you have a cold?" because I was crying again. When I saw him yesterday I cried again. He is touched by this, but he has always marveled at the frequency of my crying, so he isn't overly upset by my tears (and believe me, this is a good thing.)
People change, grow, move on, and move away. Somehow in my second decade of sobriety I started being really consistent. I never was before. But since 1994, I have had the same job. I have had attended the same AA groups, I have attended the same church since 1998. I have lived in the same home since 2001... I have had the same phone number since 1998. I have had the same cellular phone number since 1997! But in that time, people have come and gone into and out of my life. Even my sponsor moved last year!
When I was drinking, people were basically scenery to me. They were props in the drama of my life. They were definintely interchangable. When one left, there was always another to replace them, I never spent any time suffering over it. Since I came to my first meeting on July 24, 1984, I have learned to love people. I care about them. I care about their well-being. I have joy in my heart when I see them. I still regularly see the man who took me to my first meeting. I still regularly converse via e-mail with the woman who was my first sponsor (she now lives outside of London).
This is the good news. I actually care deeply about people who are in my life. I care deeply about some of the bloggers I have come to know over the last almost 2 years. Thank God I have the ability to care, but with it comes pain as well as joy.
Happy Sunday everyone.
"Only God is unchanging, only He has all the truth there is." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 76 (the book opened to this page, cool)