Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Full Moon Bike Ride
I was going to wait until it was fully light before I set out on my bike this morning, but I see a huge full moon out there about to set. I think I will go out just before the sun rises and see what kind of photographic trouble I can get into. It should be beautiful!
Today I have no appointments or meetings at work. I love these 5th weeks of the month, there is nothing automatically scheduled. Tonight I meet with a new sponsee who is working on her first 4th step. She is a blessing in my life.
In the past 10 days or so, I have spent countless hours on the phone (actually I would be able to calculate the hours, if I so desired, when I get my cell phone bill) with a former boyfriend who has been suicidal. Let me be quick to add that he has also contacted all the appropriate people - I have no delusions of being a substitute for a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, social worker, nurse, or police officer.
But I do remember what it is like to feel so bad that taking your own life seems like the only solution. I remember what it is like to feel that you are so worthless that no one would want to spend one second speaking with you. I remember what it is like to intellectually know that you are being a loser by wanting to die, and that making you only feel worse. So, I was happy to talk with this man. I have been checking in on him several times a day by phone. On Sunday, he said he was feeling a bit better. Yesterday, when I called he said he was busy moving stocks around and would call me back after the stock market closed. He never called back. I debated myself about whether I should call him before I went to sleep last night. I decided he sounds like the man I used to know, busy and not returning phone calls. And he can do that. He must be feeling better. I am reminded that sometimes when I think I am being altruistic, I am not really. Because I am a teensy bit annoyed with him. I will get over it, don't worry.
I better go get my bike shorts on and get out of here! It is going to be a great day.
"clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 29