I need to be out of here in about 15 minutes. I am sitting in my jammies, with old eye makeup under my eyes, hair pointing in every conceivable direction, sipping my first cup of coffee. I am moving s-l-o-w this morning. I had intended to run this morning and then take a bike ride this afternoon, but it looks like the run is not happening.
It is one week before my AA birthday. The days preceding my early birthdays used to be insane. These days I haven't felt that kind of "squirreliness" but I do tend to reflect a bit. I remember that last July of drinking. It was truly awful.
Not for drama. Not for any disasters. I think it just dawned on me that my life was always going to be this way, drinking every single day. Never drawing a sober breath. Being too sick to do anything with my children. Laying on the couch most of the day. Wanting my house dark and quiet, and instead I had three healthy, lively, little children.
My last drunk? I drank all day July 23, 1984 (as I drank every single day all day long), and in the evening when my husband came home from work, we piled the kids in the car and drove to the library. But suddenly, driving up Wadsworth Boulevard in Broomfield, Colorado, I had a thought - I knew I was going to make an ass of myself and my kids by showing up at the library drunk. I asked myself why I didn't take them to the library when I was sober and I had a chilling thought - one which never occurred to me before - because I am NEVER sober. Never.
I had many dramatic moments before this one. Many drunken debacles. Don't get the idea that going to the library drunk was the worst thing I ever did. I don't know why, but I thank God that this, of all things, was my bottom. I called AA the next day, and the rest, as they say, is history. Thank you God!
"We perceive that only though utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 21