Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I sat down to write last night....

But just couldn't. Instead I got on the phone. Called my sponsor. Called some friends. Called an old boyfriend. Someone who would like to be a new boyfriend called me.

I haven't got the sense of ease and comfort that I normally have.

The hospital where I work is still on lock down. I have to pass an armed guard on my way in and out these days. The size of the hospital has decreased by approximately 50% in the last month. There are still several patients desperately in need of dispo who keep one unit open, but it will remain open for only two more days. Those patients will go somewhere regardless of whether it is a "good" or "bad" placement for them. And the staff will move along too. People I have worked with for over 15 years will just be gone on January 4.

There is a part of me that is so sick of this, I just want those people gone and out of my sight. I am so sick of the grieving. I am so sick of the survivor's guilt. I am so sick of crying with people. These changes were announced on September 4. This is a long damn time to draw something out. I am sure if I were the one who was losing my job it wouldn't seem like such a long time, but I just want this over with.

As a person who compulsively watches the news, and then carefully avoids political spillage here, I have to say, in the most neutral way I can - I am finding the news profoundly discouraging. And I think I am going to have to do what I did when my son was in Iraq and turn the channel to The Simpsons and other mindless entertainment - if they show that man's explosive laden underwear one more time.

On said news for months I have heard that the credit card companies were increasing rates and decreasing credit limits, so when I saw the envelope in the mail last night, I just said "oh no." And sure enough, my fave credit card's limit was decreased by $5,000. Now, I know, I don't need to have super high credit limits and this amount of money is not really a big deal, but it felt like a step backwards.

Which is precisely what I probably need to do.

Step backwards. Take a step back and think about what is really important. I certainly don't need more debt. I probably don't even need credit cards. I remember how free I felt when I had none. There are things that are important in life - and maybe for you money is one of them - but for me, money can never be one of them. It must be a servant, never my master.

I need to get going so that I can get out of here and get to a 6:30 meeting this morning. And then, I will go to work - and the good news there? There is plenty of parking! And I still have a job. Thank God.

And Thank God that I know that feelings aren't facts. I might feel like the world is ending, but that doesn't make it so. And... this too shall pass...



11 comments:

Scott W said...

Don't watch The Soup! Those clips from TV reality shows makes me feel like the world is in big trouble!

If I look closely at anything I can find something for which to be grateful. Sometimes it takes a little patience, though.

dAAve said...

It's good to remember that feelings are not facts. I lose that message too, sometimes.

Lou said...

I quit watching TV completely a few years ago, mostly because I wanted to free up some time (I actually have less time, go figure!). But my husband is a TV-oholic, he watches several news channels at a time. From hearing the background noise when he watches I notice the different spin that is put on news--depending on who is reporting. I never noticed it before because I always watched the same news channel. I'm feeling bad for Pammie, because she will have to connect through Detroit to get back to Texas. Detroit Metro is a nightmare of security lines as you can imagine, as well as all flights incoming.

I agree your work situation has been drawn out. Makes it almost anit-climactic. I can only hope that the people who lost their jobs have been busy exploring other fields and simplifying their lives. What else can be done?

Hope said...

I've been lighting a prayer candle for you for several days now MC and will continue to do so.

Sounds like you're going to have a new normal come January 4th. It probably won't ever feel normal though.

Willa said...

I have to keep remembering, feelings aren't facts. Thank you.

Syd said...

Being around people who are sad and stuck in self-pity, regardless of circumstances, can bring me down too. I have to work really hard at not letting myself start to feel guilt (screw guilt!) or start to pity them. These are tough times for many. Hang in there.

Ed G. said...

I hope your day gets a little better and more the opportunities for your contributions more clear.

Blessings and aloha...

Anonymous said...
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Enchanted Oak said...

Just stopped in to find you feeling low but still doing the footwork and looking with gratitude at your life. With a prayer and a hug,
Chris

shadowlands said...

I read your blog, I want to talk to you. I am not sober, and you a.a people are very strong,I get a bit frightened of you all, to be frank. I am going to confessions today, at twelve o'clock. I truly want to be a sober person,woman.

Kim A. said...

I can get drug into other people's stuff to. I have to be vigilant and remember that I have choices. My mental sobriety is no longer negotiable. If I don't let go I get dragged...and it can be painful until I let go.

Namaste