Monday, December 07, 2009

Trying to embrace my inner authority

I made a bunch of pizzelles over the weekend. They are quite delicious and people love them. I think I shall make a bunch more and give them as little gifts. At first the anise odor was enough to make me ill, but after it mellowed it was pleasant. They are pretty, and I have never made them before.

So, I made a point yesterday about not turning into an expert just because I have been sober for a length of time. But then it occurred to me today that I could use my longevity to make some points here.

I had a poser come by and say that he could do the steps whenever he felt like it, there was no hurry and no one could tell him when to do them. I was worried about him until I realized that the comment was not really from "mike," but from a treatment center, boasting of a low $400. a day rate.

I say, yeah "mike," you can do the steps whenever you feel like it, as long as you don't mind dying before you get done. If you are an alcoholic of the type the steps were intended, you don't have unlimited time in which to get them done. Your discomfort will cause you to either drink or get on with the steps. Maybe drinking again isn't a big deal to you, in that case, please have a drink. Believe it or not, we are not here to convince anyone that they need or want to quit drinking. We are here to help people who WANT to quit drinking. Until they want to quit, there is little or nothing we can do to help. The one thing we cannot provide is that desire.

And when I talk about being sober only by the grace of God, I always offend someone who has worked their "ass off" to stay sober. Well, believe it or not, I do understand. I too, "worked my ass off" in those first years. I did all that stuff I was supposed to do - and plenty I wasn't too. It was only later that I realized that the end product - the sober woman I had become was so much greater than the sum of the parts - the steps, the meetings, the "work." There was no earthly way I could have "worked" my way into becoming the person I had become. No matter how screwed up I may have still been, I was utterly transformed from the drunken woman I had been. After a decade or so, it seemed that a little bit of admitting, coming to believe, turning my life over, doing some writing, some talking, becoming ready, humbly asking, making lists, making amends, continuing to look, seeking, and carrying the message just didn't seem adequate to have produced the astounding changes. So, what possible explanation could there be? The only thing that makes sense to me is the grace of a loving God. And it makes a humble Mary Christine.

So maybe I should stop sharing about what it is really like to be me and start telling you all what you should be doing. Naaah. I just couldn't do that.

I am really tired and need to go to bed. Well, actually I am already in bed. I love my laptop. But I need to fold it up and lay my head down.

Tonight I went to mass and it amazed me to hear a prayer for "the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." It is weird how our language has infiltrated so much.

Oh! And I got studded snow tires! Yippeee!


Pam said...

I have no idea what studded snow tires look like.
I am a firm believer in Gods grace.
If I had been on the "step a month" plan, I would have gotten drunk.

Scott said...

I am with ya on that stuff MC... it's good to shoot straight with people in AA, it saves their lives :-)

dAAve said...

You stud.

Scott W said...

LOL @ Dave!

I have to drop the comparisons, they make me crazy.

Syd said...

In Al-Anon, we work the steps one after the other. Step Four takes the most time because of a work book that we have. It takes a couple of months to get through that step. I keep sponsees moving ahead but it isn't a race. I gently remind them that moving forward requires their willingness and that we'll walk the journey together. I know that the steps in AA are a matter of life and death. So the timing is different.

Lou said...

If someone were paying me $400 a day, I would be saying "sure, baby, take your time..take all the time in the world to work the steps."

AnyEdge said...

I hope you don't think I was offended, MC. I certainly didn't mean to offend you either!

I love the way you write and think. Sometimes text is a poor medium because it cannot convey inflection.

I was just trying to put to words my way of looking at it. I was neither offended, nor wished to offend.

Ed G. said...

I may have said before that I'm a big fan of grace. A big fan.

I love the way you share your e.s.h.

Blessings and aloha...