Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Twelve and Twelve


I went to a meeting this morning. On Tuesdays we read something from "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." Today we read from the 4th step. Today It was perfect for me to reflect on instincts gone awry.

I want more. Sometimes I am keenly aware of this, sometimes it is something that is flying under the radar. But it seems to be always present. I want more. Lately I have been told a lot that I am not only not getting more but that I may be getting less. And I am trying to be a grown up about it. Grown up is not always my strong suit.

Oh, you may see a 58 year old on the outside, but inside there is a small child who wants all of the attention, all of the love, all of the toys, and all of the fun. At work I want all of the action in my office, unless the action is bad, and in that case, it should be elsewhere. But in any event, I want to be in-the-know of every little thing that is happening regardless of where it is occurring. Holy crap.

Most of the time actually I do pretty well with this stuff. I have just described the extreme of this tendency. And most of the time these days, thank God, I am not there.

So, as I prepare to gratefully go to bed tonight, for some reason I remembered a woman I heard speak in Canada a long time ago. She told a story about when she was young she told her mother a lie about an American sailor she met whose name was "Spud." For some reason, I thought that was hilarious some 20 years ago, and for some reason I remembered it tonight. Who knows where these memories come from or why they pop up seemingly randomly.

I am so grateful that my brain is full of sober memories. 25 years worth of sober memories. What a good deal that is.

I will get through tomorrow. Another going away lunch for another person who is going away. I am sure I will shed a few more tears. For some reason today a man at work decided to reminisce with me about a co-worker who suicided a year ago. We both cried about that. I think I am the cry magnet these days. If that is a service, I guess I am grateful I can do it. I don't think too many people could. But I will be glad when it is over.

And I am glad I can go to bed now and read a few more pages of The Brothers Karamazov before I drift off to dreamyland.

15 comments:

Mike Golch said...

There is nothing wrong with having crying jags,I has one my self on Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Another page in the so-interesting life of....

I have not cried for many months now, but I feel one coming along. Maybe it IS this time of year which brings on introspection, memories.

Lou said...

I relate to the wanting more. And then sometimes being not so happy when I get it.

Syd said...

I really like the 12 x 12. My instincts have gone awry but most of the time they are right on.
I am happy with what I have. I feel satisfied on this day. I am basically okay with who I am today. There is room for improvement which is part of the journey. Realization is a good thing.

dAAve said...

There used to be a small restaurant here that served baked potatoes with a variety of fillings. It was called "The spud You Like."

Sober memories -- you want more!!!

Scott W said...

I want more and I want it delivered. ~overheard in the rooms

Ed G. said...

I want more, I want it delivered, and I want whoever gave it to me to be glad they gave it to me - and, the person delivering it to be be grateful for that opportunity - and... My ego supports a bottomless hole of need and despair.

I have appreciated and used the "broken instincts" metaphor as an explanation of much of my life. Thank you for sharing around this.

Blessings and aloha...

Kim A. said...

My son told me the other day that he was so glad I wasn't one of those "girls who cry" and he appreciated it. I got to grasp the tremendous gift of his statement. I do cry and I told him that I have my "boo-hoo" moments. They are cleansing to me and allow me to get on with healing and growing.

Namaste

indistinct said...

Thank you for sharing this.

Patty said...

More for me too please! Just catching up. Has it been four months that the work thing has been going on? That is horrible! Like four months of constant grieving! Talk about tearing the band aid off slowly! They just closed a hospital near my home. Makes me wonder about going into the health care field. Where are all the sick people going to go and who will take care of them?

Findon said...

Im with you on the Child Mary, just like me.

Mary LA said...

Love your bookshelf! And The Brothers Karamazov at bedtime.

Who once sang 'I want it all/And I want it now'?

Anonymous said...

yep, some days I am not a good grown up either... lol some days I am...

sorry about your friends leaving

Anonymous said...

PS ANONYMOUS is me shannon... for some reason stupid blogger doesnt like my password??? what the french toast????

Anonymous said...

pss, I see you have more than one anonymous, I am the one isnt good at being a grown up lol
Happy New Years