Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday of the Week of Vacation

I am getting disoriented to time this week. I have been in this class for three days now, but it is only Tuesday, I worked on my icon Saturday and all day and into the evening on Sunday. I am exhausted and it is my vacation! I am realizing how restful my job is... not because I am not busy and hard-working, but because I have been doing the same job for 10 years, and been at the same employer for almost 17 years - I am used to my kind of hard work. It is my comfort-zone. Now I am out of the zone. And that is good for me.

This morning I went swimming at the gym. After I got out of the shower and was dressing in the locker room, I was witness to an altercation between two women. Being naked in public is a very vulnerable feeling at any time, but when there is name-calling, throwing things, and yelling, being naked is probably the least favorable condition. I did quietly tell the name-caller, thrower and yeller that "I don't need this first thing in the morning." She did shut up, but continued to throw things around.

There were a couple of years when I was that quick to anger. They were horrible years when I was being battered at home by my husband. When your life is that out-of-kilter, things can burst out in all manner of inappropriate ways. Just when you need people to love you more than ever, you alienate them the most. Ironic and sad.

Who knows? Maybe she is just a spoiled bratty person. But I know what my experience with that kind of anger is. I will pray for her.

And I have all morning to sit in quiet meditation while I work on my icon. I wish I could describe this to you all. There are twenty-two steps to this process. They are all spiritually and esthetically important. I didn't pay the outrageous sum of money and take a week of my vacation time so that I could come to the class and then "do my own thing." I have come to submit myself to the discipline I am learning. It is amazing. It hurts sometimes. Like when I find out I have not listened, and I have done something wrong. It can be fixed, but my pride tells me I ought to be able to figure this out alone and not need someone to kindly tell me what I need to do to correct what I have done wrong. Just like real life....

Then I have to go to work this afternoon. I only had two days notice before taking a week off, so I have two meetings I have to go to this week.

Oh, and on Sunday, pulling into the church parking lot, I saw my old landlady! The church is two blocks from the house I rented while I was getting divorced. I was ten year sober and loved this house. Loved, loved, loved. It was over 100 years old in one of those neighborhoods every city has - the one that used to be "run down," but now is "gentrified." I loved living there. I didn't even own a car! So, I saw my old landlady and ran over to greet her! It took her a few minutes to remember me. Her husband has died and she is lonely and would like to go have lunch with me. We exchanged phone numbers.

Thank God I was sober then and am sober now. There have been landlords in my life I still would rather not run into. I wasn't the best renter when I was drinking. I have made amends as best I could, but I still know how much I caused harm. If only because they trusted me and then I let them down if only because I didn't clean very well when I left.

OK, I need to get going. I am doing this stream-of-consciousness again...

I plan on staying sober today and I hope you all do too. God bless you all.


Syd said...

I would hate to be in a fight where there were naked women involved.
Enjoy the process with your project and the vacation. I am sure that it will be beautiful when completed.

Toyin O. said...

Good luck with your goals of staying sober.

Lou said...

Last winter, I went into the locker room at the gym when I was finished working out. A woman was going on about a coat, saying she wanted to buy it from the owner. After a minute I realized it was MY wool cashmere coat. I had it made right on the street in Shanghai. A man made it on an old pedal machine. It cost next to nothing. It's so warm, and of course I didn't want to sell it. I thought she was kidding at first. She took it off the hanger and was stroking it! Then she got belligerent when I finally said NO, I won't sell it. I was glad other people were there because she was scary!