Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Checking in...

It's six months since I've posted anything. It's funny how I don't miss the blog most of the time. But the other night my daughter asked me what year she went into rehab in the mountains (one of the many rehabs she hit), and I went to my blog, as I frequently do, to see when it was. It was in May 2008. Then I read a few of my other posts, because they really do detail my life for the last almost 6 years. Blogging was so good when it was good. And then it got so bad.

I started loosing sleep over it. The evil comments really truly bothered me. Most bloggers just blow them off, but they would eat at me. The critical AA members bothered me the most. People who hated AA I could understand, but defenders of AA who felt that I was threatening it really bothered.

Then others would tell me to "blog for yourself." Well, if I was going to blog for myself, my blog would not be about my alcoholism. My blog would be about something much more interesting. I am a pretty interesting person, I have many, many interests. But for me, since I have identified as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt I had an obligation to have a message. In the last six months, I actually have blogged about something entirely different and it has been very refreshing. People in the other realm just do not get nasty the way alcoholics do.

The last straw for me last year was when I visited the blog of a woman who told me she read my blog faithfully first thing every morning. She fed my ego when she said I was helping her "so much." Then I visited her blog and saw that she was not drinking, but refused to go to AA. She hated her own mother to the point that she had a restraining order, which just sounded vindictive to me. Her blog was so full of hatred and resentment. And I thought "I am helping her????" Do I really want to enable someone to live that way?

I have always attracted a certain number of what my ex-husband used to call "second-handers." They don't want to actually go to AA or work the steps themselves, they just want to call someone else who does. They can fool themselves into thinking they can get the program "second-hand" that way. I could see that some people were using my blog that way - and God help them if I was the only AA they were getting!

I have some pretty strong feelings about AA - and about what I see going on in AA currently. I love the AA that I got sober in. There are still pockets of it around. I feel sad beyond words that I think it is not very prevalent, and people are not staying sober. We have gotten so watered down with treatment center and therapist lingo, you hear very little AA in AA meetings, and you see very few sober people. I really don't consider people using drugs recreationally sober. Nor do I consider people who drink regularly sober. Sorry.

So, here's what's new with me:
  • I am still sober, by the Grace of a Loving God.
  • I am still growing roses, baking pies, running races.
  • My son is in Iraq again.
  • I graduated from Biblical School - after completing 4 years of it.
  • My baby granddaughter is already 8 months old.
  • I am in my 60th year of life.
  • I am in my 27th year of sobriety.
  • God has been so very good to me, I am more blessed than I could tell you.
So, for my old friends, I have missed you.

For any stray reader who may come by: if you are an alcoholic and you WANT to quit drinking, go to an AA meeting. Buy a big book and read it. Find a sponsor who talks like the big book. Ask for help from that person. If they want to take you through the steps using the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, hang on - you are in for the ride of your life. If they aren't grounded in the big book, run for your life. You can find help in Alcoholics Anonymous, but only if you want it. You can find any kind of craziness you want in AA, and that may serve as an excuse for you to be unsuccessful - it is up to you. Truly.

But if you are the kind of an alcoholic I understand, being sober is the greatest blessing ever. It is worth the small amount of "work" involved.

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164


Syd said... is good to read this post from you. Strangely, I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how you were. I knew that you would be sober (just know how you are after years of reading you) but was wondering about the running and your races. I had a conversation just today about how watered down AA was getting--trying to be all things to all people and not being anything to anyone. And also that Al-Anon is becoming more AA like as more and more alcoholics come in. These are interesting times in recovery. Take care and hope to see you back.

Hope said...

So good to read your news MC! I have missed you.

garden-variety drunk said...

What a surprise to see your post! I am up late, up thinking about a big decision I have to make, and randomly had the idea to visit some of my old favorite sober blogs. Glad to hear all is well.

I, too, am grateful to still be sober today through strong sponsorship and being led once again through the steps as outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

Pammie said...

Oh I'm so proud of you for completing Biblical School! What an accomplishment! I remember when you were just "thinkin' about it."
How hard it must have been for the boy to leave the new baby...bless his heart. I miss my dose of Mary in the mornings but understand your position completely.
Love ya sugar butt!

kmfriman said...

hi there! I have been sober since 5/6/11. I went through treatment. I needed it because I am such a stubborn fool. I had been marinated in substances and I needed full immersion to counter that. I'm glad I found your blog and I hope that you will continue to post.

Anonymous said...

I was think of you the other day as well, as the first rose of summer bloomed in my back yard the other day. Congrats on finishing school. What will you do with all this spare time now? I will pray for your son in Iraq :)

SFM said...

Great post. Nice to see you writing again. Just remember this next time those negative people start sounding off:

Keep writing if youve got fuel in the tank.


Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Sometimes so much good comes when I a friend re-appears after while and gets to tell all the life happening in the interim. I'm so glad you stop in whenever you do, and so glad that life really is moving for you. Prayers going up for your son, for you and for those roses and pies! :)


Anonymous said...

So glad you came back even if only a day. I have been reading you blog.I really enjoyed it . I have not left any comments but really needed to read your posts I am in AA and have been coming up on 9 years now .God is an awesome God and I thank him everyday that he directed to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thanks again

Anonymous said...

Hello, not sure if I posted in the past or not. I have enjoyed reading your blog, but must say I feel a bit put off with this post :(

I have been sober since 8/4/09. I went thru a 30 day out patient program that incorporated AA. However, since that time I only go to AA meeting when I am able to. It almost sounds as if I am a "fake" for not going to AA regularly, which is honestly why I dont go that often. I feel like its all or nothing with some of the members.

Perhaps I am being over sensitive but it is what it is. I consider myself sober and am a believer in God. I dont think I am some loser because I havent worked the 12 steps or gotten a sponsor. The reason I havent is personal in nature and also because of feelings such as yours... if I am reading it right it does feel like I am not "up to par" with those in AA.

This is the first time I have ever commented in a "negative" fashion on someone blog, and I am sorry I had to do so. But, truly it is hurtful when members of AA poo-poo those of us that dont go regularly.

Anyways, I wish you well. Also, you may not know why the woman had a restraining order against her mom. I for one had my own mother take me to court last year and file 4 suits against me. Why? She is mentally ill and when I asked her to seek help this is how she reacted. I dont have a restraining order against my mom but I can sure as heck tell ya she is no longer welcomed into my life nor my childrens for the hell she has put us thru this past year.

Its easy to be judgemental when you dont know what is going on.

Mary LA said...

I do love reading you.

dAAve said...

Good to see you, my dear.
I think I knew just about all fo that except that your son is back in Iraq. Bless him. And you and your family.

I still feel that recovery is recovery. I can find whatever I want (good and bad) and it's up to me to take what I need and leave the rest.

Again, good to see you here.

Steve E said...

My strong feeling is to weigh in here and write that truly this post is a breath of fresh air.

When I came in, AA was sans chants, sans 'drug-a-logs', sans a lots of today's crap.

Now I hear from our Area Chair in her Delegate Sharing, of the groups around the country's larger cities calling themselves "Agnostics AA" with Twelve Steps written to eliminate the word "God" and "God as we understand Him." It is sickening...what is being considered.

Fortunately in Naples area, of the almost 300 meetings a week, 90% of them are still "old-time AA".

Thank you, Mary for breaking your blog-silence.

Willa said...

I've missed you, Mary Christine! Still sober here. Now I'm going to have to read what I've missed. So good to see your writing!