I am posting on Wednesday night instead of Thursday morning. Shock! Horror! I am feeling much better since I met my deadlines today. Phew. That is out of my life - at least for now. Writing for weeks at a time about suicides is bound to get to you, well, at least it got to me.
I went to a meeting this morning. It was a good meeting. A newcomer came to the meeting (late) and "shared" about someone saying something rude to her at another meeting. It seems the guy told her she probably ought to try to not drink at ALL. Imagine! After she talked, she got a bunch of validation from folks who told her that the guy should have minded his own business, and that he was sick to tell her what to do.
Miraculously, I kept my mouth shut! After the meeting, I talked with another fellow who sobered up in the same era I did. He agreed that we are being so "kind" to the newcomers, they are getting no freaking clue that AA is about not drinking. It is not about "slipping", and "keep coming back" just come back, it doesn't matter if you drink, etc.
Let me say - BULLSHIT.
Some people never make it back. I have been to many funerals of people who were sure they were going to make it back some day. And everyone reassured them that they would be "welcomed" when they came back... and that we don't kill our wounded, etc. Isn't that nice? Yes, it sounds nice. It doesn't sound nice to tell someone that perhaps they ought to try STAYING sober - no matter what.
I wonder how many people in prison thought they were having a "slip" and would come back when they felt like it? Probably a couple. I know a couple.
When I got sober, they told me to just not drink - even if my ass fell off. I thought that was just silly, who ever heard of someone's ass falling off? Well, when my ass fell off, I went to a meeting and didn't take a drink. That is how one stays sober. It is not about serenity and feeling great all the time. It is not about accepting everything in the world and loving everybody.
It is about living life - which is sometimes incredibly difficult - without taking a drink. Sometimes that isn't pretty. But it beats the hell out of the alternative.
And if you get through those ugly days without a drink, you get a chance at getting that serenity and happiness and love and peace and joy. But you don't get that overnight, and you don't get to will yourself into it. It is a result of not putting a drink of booze in your mouth and swallowing it. If you don't put it there, it won't get drunk. It is the result of living in a way congruent with values and morals - your own - which are probably evolving on a daily basis. That is good. It is a result of cleaning up the past and trusting God.
We need to tell the truth. We are doing no one any favors by sugar-coating a lethal, terminal, fatal disease.
So, that's what I have to say.
"If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 95
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday
This is a challenging time for me at work right now. I am spending a lot of hours there, so it is coloring my outlook on life. Tomorrow, three deadlines will be over and perhaps I will see some peace. Today, obviously, are three looming deadlines. I should meet them. I will be glad. Good, bad, or indifferent, I just need for this to be over.
Yesterday I took all my Christmas cards and gifts at work and put them on a conference table in my office that sits directly opposite my desk. This way I sit facing it all day long. It helps to look at the cards, some funny, some cute, some pretty - none religious because God forbid we should ever deign to recognize what Christmas is celebrating - and gifts, and remember that no matter what I feel like right now, people have cared enough to write my name on a card and send it to me. At home, my cards are on the 'bar' between my kitchen and dining room - probably where I spend most of my waking hours, so I can be reminded of those folks who cared enough to write my name and address on an envelope and send me a card. Some of the 'home' cards actually have pictures of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on them. I really like those!
I am going to a meeting this morning, so I better get a move on it. I keep remembering what someone told me a long time ago when I was about to lose my mind - 'they can kill you, but they can't eat you.' somehow that was comforting then, and it is comforting now.
"We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve & Twelve, p. 105
Yesterday I took all my Christmas cards and gifts at work and put them on a conference table in my office that sits directly opposite my desk. This way I sit facing it all day long. It helps to look at the cards, some funny, some cute, some pretty - none religious because God forbid we should ever deign to recognize what Christmas is celebrating - and gifts, and remember that no matter what I feel like right now, people have cared enough to write my name on a card and send it to me. At home, my cards are on the 'bar' between my kitchen and dining room - probably where I spend most of my waking hours, so I can be reminded of those folks who cared enough to write my name and address on an envelope and send me a card. Some of the 'home' cards actually have pictures of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on them. I really like those!
I am going to a meeting this morning, so I better get a move on it. I keep remembering what someone told me a long time ago when I was about to lose my mind - 'they can kill you, but they can't eat you.' somehow that was comforting then, and it is comforting now.
"We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve & Twelve, p. 105
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Running in the Dark
I am going to go out and run in the dark this morning. I need to get to work on time, I also need to get my exercise to keep some small semblance of sanity. I did sleep a full night, thankfully.
Things have gone from very bad to worse at work. It is extremely difficult to just show up today. I wish I could run away. But I won't. The idea of digging out of a huge hole of trouble is difficult for me. Since I got sober, I have scraped away at the surface dirt, to keep from digging a hole of trouble. I didn't dig this hole at work, but I am laboring intensively to keep the whole organization from caving in around it. Maybe it needs to implode. But I think about the people, the people. Not the stinking employees who created this mess, but the people who have no where else to go.
I keep thinking about "It's a Wonderful Life" and that bank examiner who showed up on Christmas Eve.
I will try to see what I can bring to the situation today. I need some time off, and some care for me. That is not going to happen. So I have to see how I can care for someone else today. And I need to remember that I am in the loving care of God, no matter how it feels right now.
"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3
Things have gone from very bad to worse at work. It is extremely difficult to just show up today. I wish I could run away. But I won't. The idea of digging out of a huge hole of trouble is difficult for me. Since I got sober, I have scraped away at the surface dirt, to keep from digging a hole of trouble. I didn't dig this hole at work, but I am laboring intensively to keep the whole organization from caving in around it. Maybe it needs to implode. But I think about the people, the people. Not the stinking employees who created this mess, but the people who have no where else to go.
I keep thinking about "It's a Wonderful Life" and that bank examiner who showed up on Christmas Eve.
I will try to see what I can bring to the situation today. I need some time off, and some care for me. That is not going to happen. So I have to see how I can care for someone else today. And I need to remember that I am in the loving care of God, no matter how it feels right now.
"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday Morning
I am running late this morning. Due to drinking Diet Pepsi yesterday afternoon and evening. As I did the day before. If I drink this evil concoction after about 1:00 p.m., I will go to sleep at a normal time, but then wake up at 1 or 2 and be awake for several hours. That has happened to me for the last two nights. I hope I will recall this after lunch today when I want some Diet Pepsi.
I gave this stuff up for lent last year and stayed off it until my son got home from Iraq in August. In all that excitement, I wasn't getting enough sleep, so a Diet Pepsi seemed like a good idea. But it didn't take long until I was back to my usual level of the stuff.
My system, once so used to abuse of every kind, now has little tolerance for any kind of tom-foolery. I cannot imagine smoking cigarettes, drinking booze, eating crap... I won't even drink milk other than organic milk these days.
Oh, how things change. And that is good. And now I better get ready for work.
"The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense. To me, this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however little and haltingly, toward His own likeness and image. Before the coming of faith I had lived as an alien in a cosmos that too often seemed both hostile and cruel. In it there could be no inner security for me." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51
I gave this stuff up for lent last year and stayed off it until my son got home from Iraq in August. In all that excitement, I wasn't getting enough sleep, so a Diet Pepsi seemed like a good idea. But it didn't take long until I was back to my usual level of the stuff.
My system, once so used to abuse of every kind, now has little tolerance for any kind of tom-foolery. I cannot imagine smoking cigarettes, drinking booze, eating crap... I won't even drink milk other than organic milk these days.
Oh, how things change. And that is good. And now I better get ready for work.
"The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense. To me, this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however little and haltingly, toward His own likeness and image. Before the coming of faith I had lived as an alien in a cosmos that too often seemed both hostile and cruel. In it there could be no inner security for me." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Disease and the Solution
Daave posted this link this morning. It is a short video from AA in the UK about the disease of alcoholism and AA. It moved me to tears.
I think one of the worst dangers about long term sobriety (and there are plenty, believe me) is the fact that we don't often think at a deep level about the desperation of that last drink. How horrifying our lives had become. We sometimes talk about these things in meetings, but really, how often do we really really remember what it was like to be shaking in bed, or puking, lying on the floor of the bathroom, when we were supposed to be cooking Christmas dinner? How often do I really remember what it was like to wake up in a motel room, with a strange man, when my children were at home -with a teenage babysitter - who was not intending to spend the night at my house?
When I hear people talk about how they don't want to hear "drunkalogues", it worries me. I want to hear them, and I want to tell my story as frequently as people will tolerate.
So, today I slept in. I am wearing satin pajamas, that have not once been urinated in. I am drinking a nice hot cup of coffee, straight coffee, no booze. It does not gag me. It is yummy. I am getting ready to use the new iPod my children got me for my birthday and go for a 5 mile run. Then later, I need to do some work (oh! woe is me! I have a job! I have responsibilities, and people trust me with high level duties that sometimes take more than 40 hours a week!) I need to send some Christmas cards - because I love many people and like to stay in touch with them. I need to go to Saks and return the $600.+ sweater my sister got me for my birthday and get something or somethingS more worthy, in my eyes, of that kind of money. I still have not done my Christmas shopping, but I will. I have some money for the purpose and I can do this.
I have this life today because I was desperate enough to call Alcoholics Anonymous on July 24, 1984. The day I thought my life was over. Wonderful, clean, healthy, happy men and women helped me and showed me they understood what it is like to drink like I did. What a miracle. I had no idea that my life was only beginning.
Thank you for listening.
I think one of the worst dangers about long term sobriety (and there are plenty, believe me) is the fact that we don't often think at a deep level about the desperation of that last drink. How horrifying our lives had become. We sometimes talk about these things in meetings, but really, how often do we really really remember what it was like to be shaking in bed, or puking, lying on the floor of the bathroom, when we were supposed to be cooking Christmas dinner? How often do I really remember what it was like to wake up in a motel room, with a strange man, when my children were at home -with a teenage babysitter - who was not intending to spend the night at my house?
When I hear people talk about how they don't want to hear "drunkalogues", it worries me. I want to hear them, and I want to tell my story as frequently as people will tolerate.
So, today I slept in. I am wearing satin pajamas, that have not once been urinated in. I am drinking a nice hot cup of coffee, straight coffee, no booze. It does not gag me. It is yummy. I am getting ready to use the new iPod my children got me for my birthday and go for a 5 mile run. Then later, I need to do some work (oh! woe is me! I have a job! I have responsibilities, and people trust me with high level duties that sometimes take more than 40 hours a week!) I need to send some Christmas cards - because I love many people and like to stay in touch with them. I need to go to Saks and return the $600.+ sweater my sister got me for my birthday and get something or somethingS more worthy, in my eyes, of that kind of money. I still have not done my Christmas shopping, but I will. I have some money for the purpose and I can do this.
I have this life today because I was desperate enough to call Alcoholics Anonymous on July 24, 1984. The day I thought my life was over. Wonderful, clean, healthy, happy men and women helped me and showed me they understood what it is like to drink like I did. What a miracle. I had no idea that my life was only beginning.
Thank you for listening.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Happy Birthday to me!
Sorry for not posting earlier. I woke up at nearly 6, and wanted to get to the 6:30 meeting which left no time for posting.Someone turned on the Christmas lights in the meeting room before the meeting. Someone else turned off the overhead lights, so we had a soft glow in our meeting this morning. Through the meeting, I looked at the slogans on the wall, lit with sparkly lights, and thought how pretty it looked (and that is why I took a cell phone photo after the meeting). It was a lovely meeting. I was grateful to be there amongst my friends. Especially a young man who told me I didn't even look 40 - let alone 56. Yes, thank God for friends - even if they are only learning about rigorous honesty!
I am so truly grateful today:
My son is home from Iraq. We will spend the day together.
I am no longer in a relationship that was hurting me.
I am a healthy woman.
I have been sober for 41% of my life.
I will get to spend the day with my kids. There was a time - in my sobriety - when not only had I lost custody of them, but there was a restraining order preventing me from contacting them. Oh, praise God I am not in that place today.
Life is so very good.
"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164
Friday, December 14, 2007
My last day of being 55
Tomorrow I shall be 56 years old. That is good. Although I wish I had the face and body that were mine when I was 26, I would not wish to have the mind and the raging active alcoholism that tormented me every day. I would not wish to be 36 again, even though I was sober at that time. It was a difficult time. I liked being 46. And I think I shall like to be 56. I hope to run my first marathon in 2008, at the age of 56. At the age my mother was when she was dying. I sometimes think how happy she would be to see how very alive her daughters are.
Today I woke with joy in my heart, thank you God! I said a prayer of thanks for my warm and comfortable bed. I jumped out of bed with a wish to go to the gym and run 3 miles on the treadmill, just like I used to. I am even looking forward to going to work, and I have not felt that way for a very long time. I did my prayer and meditation and actually felt the connection instead of just going through the motions, thank you God!
I could tell you what has made this difference, but it would take too long today. Maybe I will tomorrow. But I will say this much, it has not been about me getting my way, or "things" turning around. It has been about me turning my thoughts to others, and changing my way of thinking. And, as always, it has made all the difference in the world.
Here are the little gifts I have knit for people at work. I will bring them to work today. Each one is a little hand knit bowl - for paper clips. Each one will include a little package of colored paper clips. Silly, but people like them. I gave away a few yesterday.
Have a happy sober Friday everyone.
Today I woke with joy in my heart, thank you God! I said a prayer of thanks for my warm and comfortable bed. I jumped out of bed with a wish to go to the gym and run 3 miles on the treadmill, just like I used to. I am even looking forward to going to work, and I have not felt that way for a very long time. I did my prayer and meditation and actually felt the connection instead of just going through the motions, thank you God!
I could tell you what has made this difference, but it would take too long today. Maybe I will tomorrow. But I will say this much, it has not been about me getting my way, or "things" turning around. It has been about me turning my thoughts to others, and changing my way of thinking. And, as always, it has made all the difference in the world.
Here are the little gifts I have knit for people at work. I will bring them to work today. Each one is a little hand knit bowl - for paper clips. Each one will include a little package of colored paper clips. Silly, but people like them. I gave away a few yesterday.
Have a happy sober Friday everyone.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Thursday Morning
It's early. It's not too cold though - 23 degrees at almost 4 a.m. is pretty warm. I am off to church, and that is good.
I met 2 deadlines yesterday which is such a relief I can't begin to say. Now I have a big deal today, and 2 more huge things have to be done by next weds. It will be OK - a lot of work, but OK. I will not work this weekend because my birthday is on Saturday and I would like to enjoy it with my family and not be running around like a nut. So if I have to run around like a nut M-F, I can deal with that, but not this weekend.
Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. As I was cooling down after running on the treadmill, I saw a sponsee I have been worried about. She was shocked when I tapped her on the shoulder and said hello. I was glad to see her and glad to talk with her.
I worry too much about women I sponsor. As the sponsorship relationship develops, I really grow to love these women. My sponsor loves me too, she tells me every time I talk to her!
I thank God for these priceless relationships in AA. They are unlike anything I have ever known outside the rooms.
"For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love-without strings, without obligation-we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 312"
I met 2 deadlines yesterday which is such a relief I can't begin to say. Now I have a big deal today, and 2 more huge things have to be done by next weds. It will be OK - a lot of work, but OK. I will not work this weekend because my birthday is on Saturday and I would like to enjoy it with my family and not be running around like a nut. So if I have to run around like a nut M-F, I can deal with that, but not this weekend.
Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. As I was cooling down after running on the treadmill, I saw a sponsee I have been worried about. She was shocked when I tapped her on the shoulder and said hello. I was glad to see her and glad to talk with her.
I worry too much about women I sponsor. As the sponsorship relationship develops, I really grow to love these women. My sponsor loves me too, she tells me every time I talk to her!
I thank God for these priceless relationships in AA. They are unlike anything I have ever known outside the rooms.
"For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love-without strings, without obligation-we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 312"
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Wednesday Morning
I dislike it when the national news and the local news share many of the same stories. When I was at a party on Saturday night, I was only blocks away from a shooting taking place at a church. I wish that when people got extremely mentally ill and delusional, they would pick something other than religion (and AA) about which to get delusional and paranoid.
I am heading out of here to the gym this morning to get a quick couple of miles in on the treadmill. It is too cold, snowy, and icy to run outdoors. I will be late to work, but I brought work home last night and got a couple hours worth of work done. Today is one of my many deadlines. I think I will have cleared this hurdle. Then a couple of more deadlines loom ahead, but some of the pressure will be off after today.
I have not been to a meeting since last Thursday and that is way too long. I like going to lots of meetings. It helps my frame of mind. I hope to get to one tomorrow.
"In 1941, a news clipping was called to our attention by a New York member. In an obituary notice from a local paper, there appeared these words: 'God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' Never had we seen so much AA in so few words. With amazing speed the Serenity Prayer came into general use." -- AA Comes of Age, p. 196
I am heading out of here to the gym this morning to get a quick couple of miles in on the treadmill. It is too cold, snowy, and icy to run outdoors. I will be late to work, but I brought work home last night and got a couple hours worth of work done. Today is one of my many deadlines. I think I will have cleared this hurdle. Then a couple of more deadlines loom ahead, but some of the pressure will be off after today.
I have not been to a meeting since last Thursday and that is way too long. I like going to lots of meetings. It helps my frame of mind. I hope to get to one tomorrow.
"In 1941, a news clipping was called to our attention by a New York member. In an obituary notice from a local paper, there appeared these words: 'God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' Never had we seen so much AA in so few words. With amazing speed the Serenity Prayer came into general use." -- AA Comes of Age, p. 196
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
PTSD
As I shoveled the snow in my driveway this morning I couldn't help but remember falling on this very driveway last December 20. It was an injury that stayed with me until June. I am seriously considering training for a marathon (26.2 miles) in 2008, I do not want to be injured!The pressure is still on at work. But the power isn't. (Lack of power, that was our dilemma?) I am going to stay home until 8:30 or 9:00 this morning, in hopes that the power will be back on by the time I get there. It is cold and snowing like crazy... see above photo, taken in my back yard on this very morning.
I am grateful to be alive and sober this morning. I wanted to get to the step study this morning, but adding in a half hour of snow shoveling made that impossible. Tonight I meet with a sponsee, that will be good.
Have a great sober Tuesday everyone.
Monday, December 10, 2007
A day off is good.
Yesterday was wonderful. I went to church in the morning, went to a cookie-making party with some sober sisters, then came home and snuggled in on the sofa, with a warm wool afghan, and watched the Broncos kick some serious ass. My son, his friend, and my daughter came over after they went to the game, and they were cold and hungry! I made some pizza and we played Trivial Pursuit. How wonderful is a day off of work!
Now today I am back to the workplace and the pressure. I feel it already this morning when I try to plan my day, incorporating things I need to accomplish this week. It makes my stomach flip when I just think about it.
Thank God for all the tools I have today. I know it will be OK no matter what happens.
Now today I am back to the workplace and the pressure. I feel it already this morning when I try to plan my day, incorporating things I need to accomplish this week. It makes my stomach flip when I just think about it.
Thank God for all the tools I have today. I know it will be OK no matter what happens.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
I am running around like a nut today. I thought I had better take a second to post something.
I am off to a cookie making party with the sober ladies from my 6:30 a.m. group. I am very excited about going. I just whipped up some cookie dough, and I will bring it there with my cookie sheet and apron. I never thought I would ever be excited about such a thing, but I really really am.
First of all, it is nice to be included.
Second, it is nice to share activities outside of meetings with my sober sisters.
Last night I went to a party with people from work. These are things I don't usually attend, but the hostess is someone I just love. I had the best time! I was out until 1:15 in the morning! I never do that! And I drove through horrible weather conditions, an hour each way, to go to this thing. I met the wife of one of my favorite people from work, and I think she might have talked me into running a full marathon! Holy Cow. 26.2 miles. In San Diego! June 1. Can I run 26.2 miles? hmmmm. A lot to think about.
My joy seems to be back. Thank God!
I am off to a cookie making party with the sober ladies from my 6:30 a.m. group. I am very excited about going. I just whipped up some cookie dough, and I will bring it there with my cookie sheet and apron. I never thought I would ever be excited about such a thing, but I really really am.
First of all, it is nice to be included.
Second, it is nice to share activities outside of meetings with my sober sisters.
Last night I went to a party with people from work. These are things I don't usually attend, but the hostess is someone I just love. I had the best time! I was out until 1:15 in the morning! I never do that! And I drove through horrible weather conditions, an hour each way, to go to this thing. I met the wife of one of my favorite people from work, and I think she might have talked me into running a full marathon! Holy Cow. 26.2 miles. In San Diego! June 1. Can I run 26.2 miles? hmmmm. A lot to think about.
My joy seems to be back. Thank God!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
A Manic Saturday
This time on Saturday morning is usually my favorite time of the week. Maybe it is my favorite time of this week too, relative to the rest of the week, which has been challenging. I was going to go to the 6:30 meeting, then to church, and then to work... then to a party tonight... well, and then I wanted to get a manicure in there sometime. You will notice that a run is nowhere in that mix. You will not notice, however, that the waistband on the satin skirt I am wearing tonight is a bit snug. So, I decided that I have to get back on a regular running schedule because without running I will blow up like a hot air balloon - the process of which has already begun. So, I am running this morning too. Even though it is cold and snowy outside. I really don't want to, but I am sure once I get out there, I will be glad I did.
Yesterday I had to make a phone call I was dreading. I needed to drop one of my sponsees. I have no time for anything right now. The other three women I sponsor are already well established in their sobriety and not very needy - in other words, they can handle having a sponsor who is temporarily not very available. The fourth woman has recently gone out and really needs someone who has a lot of time and energy. She is worth a lot of time and energy - but I just don't have it right now. She was very sweet when I told her this, I hope that was genuine. I know it is hard to come back to AA after drinking, and the fear of rejection is strong. I so didn't want her to feel it was a rejection. She said she didn't.
My joy is missing right now. I know that is coming through in what I write. I am not going to be phony and try to sound happy right now because that would be dishonest. I am in the middle of a huge crisis at work. I need to get a lot of work done in a very short time. I will get as much as I can done. My job is very cyclical this way. There are times when there is virtually no pressure on me.... then there are times, such as this, where there is intense pressure and I need to work lots of hours. I have never been under the gun quite like I am right now. But I have a knack (probably born out of the crazy alcoholic life I lived for many years) of appearing calm, and being able to just get through things that send others to their corners crying. And I have a deep abiding faith that all will be well - no matter what happens.
"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration; strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49
Yesterday I had to make a phone call I was dreading. I needed to drop one of my sponsees. I have no time for anything right now. The other three women I sponsor are already well established in their sobriety and not very needy - in other words, they can handle having a sponsor who is temporarily not very available. The fourth woman has recently gone out and really needs someone who has a lot of time and energy. She is worth a lot of time and energy - but I just don't have it right now. She was very sweet when I told her this, I hope that was genuine. I know it is hard to come back to AA after drinking, and the fear of rejection is strong. I so didn't want her to feel it was a rejection. She said she didn't.
My joy is missing right now. I know that is coming through in what I write. I am not going to be phony and try to sound happy right now because that would be dishonest. I am in the middle of a huge crisis at work. I need to get a lot of work done in a very short time. I will get as much as I can done. My job is very cyclical this way. There are times when there is virtually no pressure on me.... then there are times, such as this, where there is intense pressure and I need to work lots of hours. I have never been under the gun quite like I am right now. But I have a knack (probably born out of the crazy alcoholic life I lived for many years) of appearing calm, and being able to just get through things that send others to their corners crying. And I have a deep abiding faith that all will be well - no matter what happens.
"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration; strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49
Friday, December 07, 2007
Friday
I am so grateful that this work week is 4/5 over. Hopefully I can get some work done today. I will have to work this weekend, as well as do a million other things. I am feeling a tad overwhelmed, can you tell?
Yesterday at work the power was out. We are working with old infrastructure and there are frequently unexpected huge system failures. We had to get emergency generators for power. Who knows what today will bring. I still had plenty of work to do without power. It was kind of nice to work without the hum of all the things running. It was amazing that you could hear conversations that you normally wouldn't. Sometimes I really think about the changing sounds... we used to hear typewriters and phones ringing... now we have a steady buzz. buzz. buzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Last night I got to go to the meeting where my oldest sponsee celebrated her 12th AA birthday. What a miracle she is. She is a real alcoholic. And she is really sober. And she really puts the effort needed into it. She is serious about it. I am so grateful for her. And grateful to be part of her life, and grateful that she is grateful for me too! This is so good.
I gotta get to work because I am leaving early to get my hair done. I thought that waiting three months between hair appointments would be a good way to save money. I will NEVER do this again. I feel like a shaggy dog with multicolored hair. It is not a good thing to do, especially when going through trying times. It really helps when you can at least find something attractive in the mirror when you are having a bad day!
"Believe more deeply. Hold your face to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3
Yesterday at work the power was out. We are working with old infrastructure and there are frequently unexpected huge system failures. We had to get emergency generators for power. Who knows what today will bring. I still had plenty of work to do without power. It was kind of nice to work without the hum of all the things running. It was amazing that you could hear conversations that you normally wouldn't. Sometimes I really think about the changing sounds... we used to hear typewriters and phones ringing... now we have a steady buzz. buzz. buzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Last night I got to go to the meeting where my oldest sponsee celebrated her 12th AA birthday. What a miracle she is. She is a real alcoholic. And she is really sober. And she really puts the effort needed into it. She is serious about it. I am so grateful for her. And grateful to be part of her life, and grateful that she is grateful for me too! This is so good.
I gotta get to work because I am leaving early to get my hair done. I thought that waiting three months between hair appointments would be a good way to save money. I will NEVER do this again. I feel like a shaggy dog with multicolored hair. It is not a good thing to do, especially when going through trying times. It really helps when you can at least find something attractive in the mirror when you are having a bad day!
"Believe more deeply. Hold your face to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3
Thursday, December 06, 2007
So Sleepy...
I will be walking up this path to the front door of my church at 5:00 this morning. I love this special hour I get to spend in prayer each week. But this is the first Thursday since I started this in March that I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Hopefully once I get out in the cold morning air I will wake up. I can think of nothing to say this morning. Really, I am so tired, I don't know how I am going to do this.
"The prideful righteousness of 'good people' may often be just as destructive as the glaring sins of those who are supposdely not so good." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 107
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
800 Posts
Have I written every word I ever had to say yet? I guess not, I keep writing every day.... oh well.
Pammie called me yesterday and wanted me to let you know that her mom is quite ill and is in the hospital. Pam has been staying with her mom and has no internet access.
My computer must be on its lest leg, it has slowed to a virtual halt. PC or Mac - that is the question. If I am teaching and getting word documents from my students, will a mac work? That's my question.
Sorry to be so brief this morning. This is nearly impossible. As I type this paragraph, my computer is still working on displaying the last paragraph.
So I will get out for a run and get on with my day.
Have a great sober day everyone, OK?
Pammie called me yesterday and wanted me to let you know that her mom is quite ill and is in the hospital. Pam has been staying with her mom and has no internet access.
My computer must be on its lest leg, it has slowed to a virtual halt. PC or Mac - that is the question. If I am teaching and getting word documents from my students, will a mac work? That's my question.
Sorry to be so brief this morning. This is nearly impossible. As I type this paragraph, my computer is still working on displaying the last paragraph.
So I will get out for a run and get on with my day.
Have a great sober day everyone, OK?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Challenges
Just when I was totally freaked out at work, yesterday the freak out expanded exponentially. This is giving me a stomach ache. Thankfully last night I had my Bible class, and I actually forgot about work for a little while.
This morning I am going to an AA meeting on my way to work. At 10:00 I have a meeting at work of the best workgroup I have ever assembled, although the work isn't that pleasant, I sure enjoy the company... and they are smart! And hardworking! Wow!
Since I am sitting in my jammies, and I need to be at a meeting in 45 minutes, I think I better run.
Just want to say that although work is crazy and very very upsetting, I can draw close to my God and know that I will be OK - whether or not my workplace is OK. Whatever chaos is around me, whatever threats to my livelihood and others' homes - it will be fine. I have been through terrible times in sobriety and they were my greatest teachers.... I know that no matter what, as long as I am sober and stay close to God, I will be OK.
This morning I am going to an AA meeting on my way to work. At 10:00 I have a meeting at work of the best workgroup I have ever assembled, although the work isn't that pleasant, I sure enjoy the company... and they are smart! And hardworking! Wow!
Since I am sitting in my jammies, and I need to be at a meeting in 45 minutes, I think I better run.
Just want to say that although work is crazy and very very upsetting, I can draw close to my God and know that I will be OK - whether or not my workplace is OK. Whatever chaos is around me, whatever threats to my livelihood and others' homes - it will be fine. I have been through terrible times in sobriety and they were my greatest teachers.... I know that no matter what, as long as I am sober and stay close to God, I will be OK.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Monday Pre-Dawn
This day is huge. I have so many things to do. I am going to get to work a little early so that I can get a good start. It pays to start calm. When I get anxious and hurried I get wacky. In the middle of the day, I am meeting with 2 or 3 other women at work to knit. I started knitting with one, and then there were two, and now others are joining us. It is a good way to calm down a frantic day.
I ran 2 miles yesterday morning. It was good to get back out there. But I sure didn't feel like I did a week earlier (before my back injury) when running 7 miles just felt ordinary. 2 miles felt like a big deal yesterday. And today I am doing nothing.
I am still fighting depression. I just don't feel like myself. I want to feel like myself again. It is amazing to me how good my life is - when I get outside of it, like I am now, I want back in. I want to live my life the way it is. Good, sober, wholesome life.
Ask Him in the morning and thank Him at night...
I ran 2 miles yesterday morning. It was good to get back out there. But I sure didn't feel like I did a week earlier (before my back injury) when running 7 miles just felt ordinary. 2 miles felt like a big deal yesterday. And today I am doing nothing.
I am still fighting depression. I just don't feel like myself. I want to feel like myself again. It is amazing to me how good my life is - when I get outside of it, like I am now, I want back in. I want to live my life the way it is. Good, sober, wholesome life.
Ask Him in the morning and thank Him at night...
Sunday, December 02, 2007
First Sunday in Advent
I am going to church this morning. I normally go on Saturday night, but last night I went to an AA function instead. I love Advent. The church is draped in purple, it is quiet, and dark, as we wait in joyful hope....
Yesterday I put up my Christmas tree. As I have not been in the best frame of mind this week, I started feeling bad that I was putting up the tree alone. Then I really reflected on Christmases past and what putting up the tree was like. In my childhood, my parents put up the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. As well as wrapping all the gifts. In the mix there, my dad got drunk, and my mom got angry. My mother was an early prototype for Martha Stewart... our tree was always beautiful. But to get it that way was often a scene that sent me to my room crying and shaking in terror. When my kids were small, I let them do anything they wanted to our Christmas tree, and the results often looked like a bunch of little kids decorated it - which I think is just perfect!
So, yesterday as I was reflecting on these ancient history Christmases, I also remembered last year when my friends C., and H. came and helped me decorate my tree. Last year was so difficult with my son in Iraq. I had told them that I just couldn't bear the idea of having a Christmas with my son flying a helicopter over Iraq every day. They came, like the little AA angels they are, and we made a party of it. It was great fun.
Yesterday I didn't like the looks of any of my ornaments. So I went to Target and bought new ones. I bought many red bells (one of them is in the picture above) and glittery silver snowflakes for my tree. They were not expensive, so if I never want to use them again, I won't. My granddaughters are sure to drive everyone crazy when they realize those bells actually ring. Oh dear.
So, today perhaps I will get to knit, watch football, and admire my pretty Christmas tree and reflect on the wonderful meaning. And get to Thank God that I am sober today and am not creating bad memories for my children and grandchildren.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Saturday Morning
I just got home from the 6:30 meeting where we celebrated two birthdays - one seven year, and one seventeen. It was good to be there. I got to talk with my friend R. for a while after the meeting which was really nice. He is the one and only "real life" person who has ever found my blog and known it was me. I generally don't tell people about it. Those I have told have absolutely no interest in it. It is almost like a secret life - except that it is real and true and I reveal here who I really am, sometimes to my regret.
I am excited today because it is cold and cloudy and it might snow. The mountains got clobbered with snow, and it is supposed to snow here. I hope it will. I have plenty of Christmas knitting to do and I have a cheesecake to bake. It is a good day to just be at home.
There is an AA event at R.'s house tonight. I am looking forward to going, and I am bringing the cheesecake to the event. It will be nice.
AND! I got to talk to Daave this morning. It was lovely to chat with him as I drove to the meeting.
I sometimes don't feel that great, this has been one of those weeks. I do suffer from chronic depression. Most of the time, the measures I take to keep the depression at bay work really well (diet, exercise, prayer, meditation). But when there is a change in these things, I usually suffer. Not being able to run all week has really messed with my ability to cope. And I have had a ton of things to cope with this week.
I am so grateful to be sober.
I am excited today because it is cold and cloudy and it might snow. The mountains got clobbered with snow, and it is supposed to snow here. I hope it will. I have plenty of Christmas knitting to do and I have a cheesecake to bake. It is a good day to just be at home.
There is an AA event at R.'s house tonight. I am looking forward to going, and I am bringing the cheesecake to the event. It will be nice.
AND! I got to talk to Daave this morning. It was lovely to chat with him as I drove to the meeting.
I sometimes don't feel that great, this has been one of those weeks. I do suffer from chronic depression. Most of the time, the measures I take to keep the depression at bay work really well (diet, exercise, prayer, meditation). But when there is a change in these things, I usually suffer. Not being able to run all week has really messed with my ability to cope. And I have had a ton of things to cope with this week.
I am so grateful to be sober.
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