This time on Saturday morning is usually my favorite time of the week. Maybe it is my favorite time of this week too, relative to the rest of the week, which has been challenging. I was going to go to the 6:30 meeting, then to church, and then to work... then to a party tonight... well, and then I wanted to get a manicure in there sometime. You will notice that a run is nowhere in that mix. You will not notice, however, that the waistband on the satin skirt I am wearing tonight is a bit snug. So, I decided that I have to get back on a regular running schedule because without running I will blow up like a hot air balloon - the process of which has already begun. So, I am running this morning too. Even though it is cold and snowy outside. I really don't want to, but I am sure once I get out there, I will be glad I did.
Yesterday I had to make a phone call I was dreading. I needed to drop one of my sponsees. I have no time for anything right now. The other three women I sponsor are already well established in their sobriety and not very needy - in other words, they can handle having a sponsor who is temporarily not very available. The fourth woman has recently gone out and really needs someone who has a lot of time and energy. She is worth a lot of time and energy - but I just don't have it right now. She was very sweet when I told her this, I hope that was genuine. I know it is hard to come back to AA after drinking, and the fear of rejection is strong. I so didn't want her to feel it was a rejection. She said she didn't.
My joy is missing right now. I know that is coming through in what I write. I am not going to be phony and try to sound happy right now because that would be dishonest. I am in the middle of a huge crisis at work. I need to get a lot of work done in a very short time. I will get as much as I can done. My job is very cyclical this way. There are times when there is virtually no pressure on me.... then there are times, such as this, where there is intense pressure and I need to work lots of hours. I have never been under the gun quite like I am right now. But I have a knack (probably born out of the crazy alcoholic life I lived for many years) of appearing calm, and being able to just get through things that send others to their corners crying. And I have a deep abiding faith that all will be well - no matter what happens.
"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration; strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49