I was hoping to gain some perspective (among other things) over this retreat weekend. After 48 hours with no phone (cellular or otherwise), radio, television, or internet, I feel I got some. There were many revelations I won't bore you with, just let me say that I feel more peaceful than I have for a long time. I made some decisions about some things in my life (was it really a typo when I just typed "thing sin my life"?) and taken some action already.
However, the blog was one of the things I was praying about and I did get an answer.
I will continue with this blog. It appears it does help some people. It means a lot to me. I decided to stop my slavish devotion to the blog. I am not going to be spending 2 to 3 hours a day cruising all your blogs anymore. I will check the people I know blog daily. I will likely check the people who leave comments (thank you!) on my blog. The rest, well, I am spending too much time on this and I need to stop.
I was stunned by several things when I got home. First, just as I got on my first highway after spending 2 days with lovely kind gentle people, I got flipped off! I did not respond - thank God. Then when I checked my blog, I had a comment telling me that I am not a Christian. I won't go into the specifics of this, but for all of you who get these comments, let me tell you that he must not read the blogs at all if he is leaving me this comment! Then I had a comment from a relapsed drunk that stuff like me stopping blogging was why this person hated AA. Here is a quote: "So sure tuck tail and run. I'm used to that. Because for Higher Power's sake... don't let someone with 20 some odd years of sobriety witness to the masses. god this pisses me off."
I guess if you read my blog, maybe you think you know me? But really, read my blog and you will know that "tuck tail and run" is the last thing on earth that I do in my life. I stay with things long past any point of reason. I consider this one of my character defects! Often I feel like a cock roach - which is predicted to be the last creature left on earth, long after the rest of us are extinct.
So, I am sober 23 years and 3 months. I am more grateful for this than words can ever convey. I do not take the credit for this. I am a grateful recipient of a gift from God. I try to care and feed the gift, but I am clear that it is NOT by my grand and glorious WORK that I am sober. I am sober by the Grace of a Loving God.
I care deeply about AA and the traditions of AA. I am not going to get into another discussion of them today because it seems I don't communicate well when talking about them. I think I gave many of you the wrong impression about what I was worried about last week. So let me not dig this hole any deeper. Let me just say that I am now satisfied that my blog doesn't break the 11th tradition (the 12th is still in question though.)
I try to be an example of living a sober life. One of my sponsees says "I can either be an example or a hideous warning." I TRY to be an example - and I am not always successful. I believe the way I live my life screams so loudly, you can barely hear what I say. I am not big on trying to convince people they ought to be sober, but I am big on being there when they decide they want to be sober.
I will likely put something in the header of my blog that says something like "I am a sober drunk, I share MY experience, strength, and hope - because that is all I have to share - no one speaks for AA as a whole." I also think of a group I attend occasionally - in their meeting format, they suggest that if what you hear from someone there cannot be reconciled with the first 164 pages of the big book, you disregard it!
For anyone who has been kind enough to leave a comment - THANK YOU. I am incredibly grateful for the people who read my blog. I really consider it an honor to be listened to... and a blessing. And for those of us who remain and continue to blog, Thank you! I love you - and you know who you are!
"After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 103