Thursday, October 18, 2007

Thursday Morning

This is my beautiful granddaughter laying in the leaves. Last year (she had loose baby teeth in the pic, and now she has her big girl teeth). I tried to take a picture last night but I don't like any of them.

I realized last night that I have some post-race depression going on. It hits like a ton of bricks - from out of nowhere. I have lost all proportion. This is an awful feeling. But I know it will pass and that it is "normal" for people who have just completed a huge race that took months of training. I have been training for one thing or another since January. I am now done. Physically, I can use the rest - but mentally, this is difficult.

Today I hope to keep to myself as much as I can to avoid trouble with people at work. Then tomorrow I leave for a 3 day retreat. It is sponsored by my Biblical School. The theme of the weekend is the Lord's Prayer. That is what all the lectures will be about. I am really looking forward to it and I desperately need it.

I will pray about this blogging thing while I am gone.

"Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as AA members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public. As we lay aside these very human aspirations, we believe that each of us takes part in the weaving of a protective mantle which covers our whole Society and under which we may grow and work in unity. We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 187


dAAve said...

I'm sure the race/depression thing shall pass soon enough.

I continue to feel that when I write about my gratitude and other aspects of my recovery, it can't be a bad thing. It helps me and it may help someone else. What does it matter if someone knows what I look like? That doesn't make me stand out amongst others, doesn't make me better or worse, it just allos a reader to put a face to the words.
How can that be bad?
What would the Master do?

I'm just sayin' ...

Scott W said...

Maybe this retreat will take the mental place of physical training. I am sure you will be at peace and be able to find a comfortable spot.

Banana Girl said...

But in the longer run we clearly realize that these are only the pains of growing up, and nothing but good can come from them if we turn more and more to the entire Twelve Steps for the answers. Now comes the biggest question yet. What about the practice of these principles in all our affairs? Can we love the whole pattern of living as eagerly as we do the small segment of it we discover when we try to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety? Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group? Can we have the same kind of confidence and faith in these people who have been infected and sometimes crippled by our own illness that we have in our sponsors? Can we actually carry the A.A. spirit into our daily work? Can we meet our newly recognized responsibilities to the world at large? And can we bring new purpose and devotion to the religion of our choice? Can we find a new joy of living in trying to do something about all these things? Furthermore, how shall we come to terms with seeming failure or success? Can we now accept and adjust to either without despair or pride? Can we accept poverty, sickness, loneliness, and bereavement with courage and serenity? Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us? The A.A. answer to these questions about living is "Yes, all of these things are possible." We know this because we see monotony, pain, and even calamity turned to good use by those who keep on trying to practice A.A.'s Twelve Steps. And if these are facts of life for the many alcoholics who have recovered in A.A., they can become the facts of life for many more.

As we made spiritual progress, we saw through these fallacies. It became clear that if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis; we would have to develop the sense of being in partnership or brotherhood with all those around us. We saw that we would need to give constantly of ourselves without demands for repayment. When we persistently did this we gradually found that people were attracted to us as never before. And even if they failed us, we could be understanding and not too seriously affected. When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. These were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making. This new outlook was, we learned, something especially necessary to us alcoholics. For alcoholism had been a lonely business, even though we had been surrounded by people who loved us. But when self-will had driven everybody away and our isolation had become complete, it caused us to play the big shot in cheap barrooms and then fare forth alone on the street to depend upon the charity of passersby. We were still trying to find emotional security by being dominating or dependent upon others. Even when our fortunes had not ebbed that much and we nevertheless found ourselves alone in the world, we still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy kind of domination or dependence. For those of us who were like that, A.A. had a very special meaning. Through it we begin to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don't have to be alone any more.

Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things--these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

MC, I can't speak for your feelings on this conflict, but the quote above is the essence of what you do everyday when you blog and how it helps this alcoholic. I agree too with daave. You just never know when you and you alone will make sense to the one who is struggling to "get it." Have a wonderful trip on this weekend's heightened spiritual journey. Be safe.

Kathy Lynne said...

I love the joy in that photo!

The retreat sounds like just what you need. Wish I could join you.

Our discussion yesterday prompted me to reread my posts from the beginning and boy oh boy, I do have to reiterate what I felt yesterday and agree with Dave and Banana Girl. I am a prime example of getting help here in the sober blog world. I only pray that my blog can offer someone the same. Doesn't AA's primary purpose state to stay sober and help other alcholics to stay sober as well?

Syd said...

I get the same feeling of being down after something big that I've accomplished. Almost like all the excitement is done and what am I going to do next. It might be all the adrenaline leaving or the need for another "achievement". Let me know if you find the answer.

Scott said...

my little dude loves the leaf rolling thing too!

sorry to hear about the post race depression, I hope it passes soon!

Christine said...

oooohhhh what a joyous picture!