This is a cell phone photo from my run this morning. It was dark... and cold... and windy. And most importantly, wonderful. I am 12 days out from my half-marathon. I am getting very nervous about it. I have a fitness blog and there is a great community of bloggers who run marathons and do triathlons - they encourage me every day. Being nervous is normal. Really, they tell me it is.
I am feeling rather discouraged this morning. That is just the truth. I am tired from all this running. I am working hard but not feeling excited about it. I found out over the weekend that I didn't get the job I had wanted.
Although I am late to the party, because I delayed my maturity for all those years of active alcoholism, I think I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis. For a long time, it seemed that the sky was the limit for me - career wise, and life wise. But now I think I am realizing that I have gotten to where I am going. Now I have to just sit here or figure out what I can change.
This, to me, is the tough stuff. I have years of experience at how to handle crisis - I am quite good at it. I can handle elation, I can even handle dismal failure. How do I learn to live with a 'normal' life? I own a nice home - it is not a mansion, it is a middle-class home in suburbia. I drive a nice car, and I likely won't trade it for anything new and shiney and distracting for quite a while. I have a good job, but I have had it for a long time and don't find it exciting any more. I have a nice family, nice friends, even nice neighbors. I have good relationships with all of these. I have several good AA groups where I feel at home. I have a sponsor I love with all of my heart and she loves me too. I sponsor three women for whom I have endless love and gratitude. I am increasingly involved in my church and have come to know and love people there. I have begun a 4 year Biblical school - which I love.
Yesterday my friend Larry told me to write down the names of five people who are really glad I am alive and part of their lives. He told me to write his name first. He said that when I pondered the list, I should realize that in reality, the list is probably at least 10 times that. And that I don't even know how many people care deeply about me.
I just better get dressed and get out of here and go give it my best effort today. Suit up and show up. Fake it till you make it. Act as if. I know that God is caring for me, even when it is hard to feel that closeness. I must remember that the way I FEEL is not an accurate gauge of my spiritual condition.
"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3