Thursday, April 01, 2010

Losses

Do you know if you do a search for images of women crying, you get photos of beautiful women with tiny little tear drops falling down their beautiful cheeks? That is not my experience of crying. When I cry, I despair! I wail! My face turns into a red, puffy, swollen thing not very similar to the image I can abide each morning in the mirror as I apply my make up.

Anyway, I have been late to work almost every day this week. And I think it is because I sit at this computer trying to find my way without my old companions. Particularly Pammie. On Sunday evening last week I actually saw when she took her blog down. I happened to have my computer set on "tabs," so I had a small view of her blog along with all the other things I had open. And then it was gone. Oh, that hurt. I am sure it was incredibly painful for her.

Do you know that these relationships aren't just things on my computer monitor? I know that some bloggers actually know some other bloggers in real life... particularly in Houston, The Sober Blogging Mecca. When I started blogging, I did not know any other bloggers. I think the first bloggers I met - and I could be wrong, because I have met lots of them - were in Houston in 2007.

In April 2007, I went to Galveston to my nephew's wedding and decided to drive to Houston for a day or two to meet Daave and Scott. I didn't really know Pam at that point. Imagine sitting at a Starbuck's with Daave, Scott W., Pammie, Zane, Ricky!!!, and others, too numerous to even remember. It was amazing.

I went back to Houston, as Daave's guest, in November of 2008 to attend a roundup. I stayed in Daave's home (which is very lovely). Scott W. picked me up at the airport. I got to sit between Pam and Scott at the banquet. Scott's sponsor was kind enough to take me to mass at the Cathedral (which is incredibly beautiful) in Houston and then to breakfast on that Sunday.

Last year, I met Ed G. because of blogging. He lives in a town nearby. He and his wife are people I am grateful to know. It is very odd to say that I would not have met him if not for blogging, but I am quite sure that is true.

And in October, when Daave came to town to buy a car, I was thrilled to have him stay as a guest in my home! As we drove up, he saw my front porch and said he would recognize it anywhere because I have posted so many photos of it here on my blog. He is a real friend.

My point? Well, I guess I have a minor point - I am struggling without Pam. My more major point - and one I hadn't intended to write about? How much the relationships with other bloggers have meant to me. I am not talking superficial stuff here. These are real relationships with real people, and:

I really love them.
xoxoxoxox

16 comments:

Ed G. said...

Yep.

You're much loved.

Blessings and aloha...

Garykfc said...

I really enjoy reading you too. Great stuff. It's so great to know I know your peeps in Houston and they know you.

Willa said...

You ARE much loved!

And I wish Pam hadn't gone. After I read you every morning, I would go and immediately read her.

There is a void, definitely.

dAAve said...

I'll miss Pam every morning, but she's still around. Just not online.
Will we all meet in San Antonio in 3 months?

Trailboss said...

I am missing Pam a LOT. I miss her humor, her unique writings. I miss everything about it. I used to read her blog the first thing every morning. I still find myself going there and it isn't there. Call me silly but I feel I lost a good friend.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I'm feeling this now too! Some people don't get that we bare our hearts here and get to know each other on a personal level and we truly feel a loss when friends kinda disappear.

I want to know that if I ever get to Houston I might run into the Houston blogger friends, or Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, California, Colorado, New York, Missouri or Illinois, Michigan... so many many places!

I realize my inventory still works to show me I depend on people too much, it's hard when they move in different directions.

Syd said...

I don't like these losses of people that I have come to know through their writing. But they have come alive for me, not in flesh and blood, but with writing their hearts and emotions in their posts. It is a loss to me as well.

chitowngreg said...

Really sad to see Pammie and others leaving. They're certinaly missed. I'd love to get together with everyone in San Antonio, though. Would be great to meet everyone that I'm coming to know through their writing. Have a good one!

Marie said...

I am brand new and never got to see Pam's blog. She seems very special to you all. It reminds me of the time that one of my closest friends in the program went back out. I was devastated. Although, more so for her loss of the gifts of the program than my own loss of a friend. Many blessing,
Marie

Carverlane said...

I live in San Antonio about 30 minutes or less from the convention site, would love to get together with the other bloggers coming to the convention. Can you e-mail me and we can discuss?

Kim from sAn Antonio

Mary LA said...

It must be so much harder for you when you knew bloggers as close personal friends.

And some voices are irreplaceable. But I do take comfort from knowing our bloggers are sober, just not online.

Patty said...

Pam was a huge inspiration to me, in blogging and recovery.

Kim A. said...

Me too. Me too.

♥namaste♥

Her Big Sad said...

I clicked on Pam's name on my "favorites" the first day it was "gone" and literally felt a blow in my stomach. I knew she was not going to blog, but the "blogger not found" made it so final. Same thing happened with another blogger I loved to read...it's gone. But I rejoice, truly, in the knowledge that she's not gone really.... she's just not blogging. Wish I had her email but I neglected to ask for it before she took the blog down.

I'm very blessed each time I read your posts. My return to faith sounds much like yours. I'm going to the Easter vigil tomorrow night - there's something so special about that particular service....

Wishing you a blessed Easter weekend! Enjoy your tulips! So pretty!

Anonymous said...

That broke my heart...really.
What beautiful kind words from you and the others sweet mary berry.
I feel at peace to have closed a chapter...very important chapter in my life.
I am spending my 5:00-6:00am hour sorting through the 972 page word doc that I copied my blog to. I am trying to put together a book and I'm going to call it:
A DRUG ADDICT: WALKING WITH GOD AND PULLING A CHICKEN.
Smoochie love,
pammie

Scott said...

I made a business trip to Houston and was blessed to meet Scott and dAAve, and go to a meeting at Lambda. It's a trip I will not soon forget. I occasionally reflect back on their hospitality and kindness. Blogging has sure been rewarding that way!

Much love from Ohio MC!