Someone, who I really don't mean to pick on here, commented this morning that he was amazed by the sanguine way I wrote about my friend who is drinking. That really amazed me.
I think I basically said that I think she is a goner. She is one who won't quit drinking. Her mother died of alcoholism in her early 40s. She is in her 40s and is knock, knock, knocking at death's door. And she won't quit drinking. She is suicidal and driving a car. She is suicidal and drinking alcoholically.
Sanguine? I don't think so. If you mean optimistic, hopeful, or confident.
On the other hand, I have seen hopeless cases such as her get and stay sober. It can and does happen. It can happen for her. I wouldn't bet on it, but it could happen.
Maybe my choice of words doesn't give you an idea of how sick I am about this. I have talked for hours on the phone with people about it. I do not want to go to her funeral. Dammit! I am tired of tripping over the corpses.
When I call this particular woman "my friend," it is more like the John McCain kind of "my friend." She is someone I have known from my group for several years. I have encouraged her to call me and she has several times. I've met her (soon to be former) husband, and her children, I have sat at picnics and potlucks with her. I have been to her home, and she has been to mine. We don't have a big relationship. I just care about her because she is a drunk just like me - and I know that she doesn't have to die. But apparently she doesn't know that. And when someone doesn't know that, no amount of telling them seems to work.
Anyway, I feel that this is probably another minor betrayal for her. She doesn't need me writing about her on my blog.
I just felt that I had to say something.
For some reason tonight I was remembering my first boyfriend in sobriety. After his 11th DUI, I felt that I needed to break up with him. That was a heartbreaking loss. And now he is dead.
And my drunken cowboy - after he started drinking again after years of sobriety and wouldn't stop drinking and got belligerent with me, I felt that I needed to break up with him. That was a heartbreaking loss. The last I heard he had inherited some money and was rapidly drinking his way through that.... His 6'5" frame was down to about 160 lbs., skin and bones. I don't know where he is now, could be dead for all I know. But I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about him.
And Mr. Sweetie Man. What a heartbreaker that was. When he started drinking again (after years of sobriety) I knew that this wonderful relationship was never going to work. And to see his face on the news when his body was found in his home. His face on the television set in my living room - where we had shared so many lovely hours.
Oh, I could go on, but why.... I am just so tired of how we trivialize this malady - when its lethality is plain for anyone to see. It has taken so many people I have loved away from me.
Tomorrow morning, bright and early I shall write something cheerful - I have already formed it in my mind. It will be called "A sense of belonging." Because there are people who come to AA and recover from alcoholism and I need to focus on that. AA works.