So this morning as I feel I am scrambling to find reasons to not just crawl back into bed and just say "screw it" to everything, instead I will use every trick in the book to get through - I will put on my cutest running outfit - a wonderful white shirt with a tattoo pattern, a green skirt, my orange and silver shoes. There is a remote possibility that I will feel better after having run 3 miles on a treadmill.
Today I will call a sponsee who has been carefully avoiding me to find out what is going on. Normally I wouldn't do that. It is my belief that a sponsor is there to help you if you want the help, but is not there to chase you down or to be a psychic about how you are doing if you are not communicating. But today I will call her - because I need to.
I will go to my job and face whatever additional security they have implemented overnight without telling anyone. I will put a smile on my face and comply with whatever degradation or inconvenience is involved. I will not complain or point out that this is spending the money that we have just "saved" by closing units, laying off people, and cutting salaries. I also won't worry about the fact that this increased security is all out of proportion to the threat of one poor angry person.
Tonight I will go to a meeting I don't normally attend - because there are a gazillion newcomers there. Well, I used to go when I believed they were newcomers, but after attending for a year, I realized they were the same people, raising their hands month after month after month. Being smiled at and told "keep coming back!!!!" As if that would keep them sober. I ended up butting heads with several men (the meeting "elders") who didn't like me suggesting that perhaps if they actually did something (like getting a sponsor, doing some steps, and not drinking when they felt like it) they wouldn't have to raise their hands anymore - they thought I was being cruel. So I removed myself from that meeting. But I think I will insert myself tonight.
I remember one January prayer, it was 21 years ago. I was sober 4 years. I was absolutely at the end of my rope with everything and my prayer was simply "I'm ready." And, boy, did things happen after that! Maybe it is time for another one of those prayers. Because, truly, I am ready.