Wednesday, July 20, 2011

La Cucaracha

Sometimes I have said that I feel like a cockroach. They seem to be able to survive anything and thrive. It might sound like a good character trait, but I am not so sure. I sometimes do things well past the point of reason. That has been good in sobriety, because I am still sober, and there were years when being an AA member didn't seem like such a good idea - but I persevered - and I am glad I did.

Last night I wrote my coach an e-mail which was titled "13.1 v. 26.2." I am very tired of this training for a marathon thing. I am tired of my injuries. I am tired of the time it takes. I am tired of what it takes out of my life. I am tired of the way it interferes with my social and family life. So, I am pondering bagging the marathon and just going forward with the half marathons I have planned for this year. Halves are great. You still feel like you are doing something, but it doesn't kill you.

My coach is such a wonderful woman - she is so sane, it almost always astounds me. She herself is only doing halves this year, so she can recommend this strategy very highly. But she had a great idea... why don't I switch to mileage for halves for the next two weeks. What a fabulous idea. Not a major commitment to switch, I will just try it out and see how it feels. But I can tell you, I already feel a major load off my back.

This morning I read Lou write about sleeping with her keys under the pillow when her son was in the depths of his addiction. I paused and thought about doing that when I was married to my sober husband. What on earth do you do with that? I mean, you can't pray that he gets sober, he already was. But he liked to take things out of my car's engine so that it wouldn't start and therefore I couldn't leave. He stole things. He did very bad things to me. And we were both sober, and members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was very difficult to walk away from him because he was my husband and I did love him. But it was clear this was a situation that was not going to get better and it was untenable. So walk away I did. Funny, I got an e-mail from him yesterday. Somehow we ended up on good terms and if we saw each other today, we would hug like long lost friends. The day we divorced, we stood at the courthouse, holding each other - I am sure it looked like we just got married, not divorced. We held hands while we were in court - the judge even commented on our seeming affection. But I could not live like that. And so I left the man I loved.

So I know I am capable of changing my plans. And I am going to try that out right now with respect to my training schedule. YIPPEEEE!

But I won't change my plans to stay sober today. By God's Grace, I pray I will.


Jeremy said...

Striving for excellence whilst working within our limits is a good thing, sometimes it's good to back off a bit before you go for it. Have a great day!

Syd said...

I reserve the right to change my mind on a lot of things. It is okay. I think being flexible is one of my assets.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

:) Love this thought. Control vs. love... good stuff!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog obsessively last year and was so disappointed when you stopped. I hadn't checked back for months--and was so happy to see you'd returned when I checked the other day! I am newly sober (again) and inspired!

Lou said...

I'm fascinated by how you have preserved during times of great stress. I know your daughter has it in her too--the preserving. But no fishing license? WTF!

I remember when Andrew had to prove who he was when he had lost his birth certificate, license, and SS card. Luckily, he had a prison ID :(

A marathon is all mental those last 10 miles. Take your time with the decision.