I am feeling out of sorts. My future has been up in the air since October, and I still haven't received final word. My finances are frightening. I am profoundly disappointed in the man I have been dating and will probably call that off.
As I listened to my friend yesterday talk about retirement, I thought about the - damn, I can't even remember the two little furry animals, one of whom saved for winter and the other didn't. My friend has been responsible all of her life and has paid the price to have a life that most people would envy.
That is NOT my story.
Oh, it all feels like a mess right now. I have a kid in Afghanistan, another with a life threatening illness, and another with a penchant for creating life-threatening drama.
I think I am realizing why I have usually associated with other alcoholics since I have been sober. It is just easier to be with other people like me. People who have made ridiculous mistakes with their lives, but pick up the pieces and move on to the best of their ability - without spending a lot of time looking back.
OK, so here's what's good:
- I DO have a job - and I actually like it most of the time
- I have an opportunity to move on and if that happens it will be a good thing - if not, see above
- I have relationships with all three of my kids. I love them dearly. They love me back
- There are a couple of women I have sponsored for a while and they are blessings in my life
- There is a woman across the mountains who has been my sponsor since the last century, I love her and she loves me back.
- I am in relatively good health and I don't look as old as I am - this is more and more important as a woman who intends to (or needs to) work for another long while. People find old men look wise and distinguished, old women look grumpy and sad.
- Even though I am indeed grumpy and sad today, I will put on my best game face and SUIT UP AND SHOW UP.
"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has a purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, July 16 Thought for the Day.