Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Full Moon Hike

Last night a friend and I took a guided hike - billed as a "full moon hike."  It was lovely, though quite frigid.  When we got to the top of the peak where we would have had a stellar view of the moon rising, we all agreed that the 45 minute wait for the moon would freeze us all, and we made our descent back down.  As we drove away from the park, the most gorgeous orange moon rose over the city.  Oh, it was beautiful!

I am feeling out of sorts.  My future has been up in the air since October, and I still haven't received final word.  My finances are frightening.  I am profoundly disappointed in the man I have been dating and will probably call that off.

As I listened to my friend yesterday talk about retirement, I thought about the - damn, I can't even remember the two little furry animals, one of whom saved for winter and the other didn't.  My friend has been responsible all of her life and has paid the price to have a life that most people would envy.

That is NOT my story.

Oh, it all feels like a mess right now.  I have a kid in Afghanistan, another with a life threatening illness, and another with a penchant for creating life-threatening drama.

I think I am realizing why I have usually associated with other alcoholics since I have been sober.  It is just easier to be with other people like me.  People who have made ridiculous mistakes with their lives, but pick up the pieces and move on to the best of their ability - without spending a lot of time looking back.

OK, so here's what's good:

  • I DO have a job - and I actually like it most of the time
  • I have an opportunity to move on and if that happens it will be a good thing - if not, see above
  • I have relationships with all three of my kids.  I love them dearly.  They love me back
  • There are a couple of women I have sponsored for a while and they are blessings in my life
  • There is a woman across the mountains who has been my sponsor since the last century, I love her and she loves me back. 
  • I am in relatively good health and I don't look as old as I am - this is more and more important as a woman who intends to (or needs to) work for another long while.  People find old men look wise and distinguished, old women look grumpy and sad.
  • Even though I am indeed grumpy and sad today, I will put on my best game face and SUIT UP AND SHOW UP.
"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has a purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, July 16 Thought for the Day.


AnyEdge said...

What happened to your romance?

Ms Jones said...

MC, As I was reading about your friends life I too felt that pang of "oh crap that isn't my life". being in the over 50 crowd with sobriety only starting at age 46 (although I had a few rounds with "other stuff") I too am rebuilding my life. But here is the deal (for me). I am no longer doing damage. I have a God that loves me and has allowed me a much better life now than i ever imagined. He continues to take care of me and shows me daily how to carry on. And you, Ms MC are so much a part of my daily readings. You share of you that gives me such hope. Thank you.

dAAve said...

Please forgive me for a couple of observations.

I read some unfulfilled expectations in your writing today.
I also hear about comparing yourself to others. I heard early on in sobriety that I better not do that.

I hope your day gets better; I bet it will.

Kathy said...

You don't have to be an alcoholic to not have made the best decisions throughout your life and not saved properly, etc. etc. That is why I try to tell my kids to save, save, save now so they can enjoy it later. I'm still working too. You will get through today and tomorrow will be brighter. Remember the glass is half full, not half empty. There is a lot to be thankful for.

thenoiseandhaste said...

I sympathize. I love how you refuse to get caught up in comparisons or fear of the future. It's not that you don't feel these things -- but you go straight for your toolbox and start making gratitude lists... It's very inspiring.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

Two thoughts.

My mother saved every penny and we live on less holding out for a spectacular future. She died at 41.

There is no way to know if the decisions you make in life will work out for us. We can only do our best and leave the rest for HP.

Syd said...

Even with all the stuff going on, your gratitude list is great. Lots to be thankful for. I am grateful for so much. I am sure that the day will get better.

Lou said...

I got home from work late and the full moon hung in the sky--I had to take a minute and just feel the wonder of it.

I wish they would tell you about the position already!

Lulu said...

wow I love how you were able to turn your mindset around! Like you, I am playing catch-up in midlife and I have moments where I can't even read the sunday times because it just seems to be filled with people younger than me that SO have their act together. But then I'm reminded, by people like you, to focus on the positive and write a gratitude list. It might not include home ownership, my dream job, or lush savings account (or, um, any savings account) but it's a beautiful list, it's my list, and I have it because of sobriety.

Mary LA said...

Sorry to hear about all the worries and disappointments, but your gratitude list is filled with special things.

The other side of comparisons of course is to think about those who face destitution or who are not yet sober, who don't have the love of family or the gift of faith.

Pammie said...

Oh I want to be that smart woman. Maybe we can put our money together and go to a sunny island.
I wanted boyfriend to be PERFECT!

ScottF said...

MC thank you for this post...

You're working your pgroam in the "heat of battle" seeking and sharing gratitude in the face of challenges and dissapointments. God bless you my friend, and I am going to take heed and try to wear the world like a losse garment. I hadn't heard that expression in a long time.

Have Myelin? said...

That may be "her life" but what is she not telling you? It's easy to look good on the outside looking in. =)