Last night I was much too tired to write. After I posted, I sat down to watch American Idol, but the phone rang. A dear friend who is not alcoholic is dealing with a friend who IS an alcoholic and sounds like she is working on suicide by alcohol. My poor friend has never been through anything like this.
At the end of the conversation, I told her she could consider how fortunate she is because most people have a family member or spouse or other close person who is an alcoholic and deal with this all the time. She couldn't imagine what that would be like. She said she has never been so angry in her life - and I believe it.
I shared some of my experience. But really, I have so many experiences, I barely know which one to pick. Growing up as the child of an alcoholic? Marrying one? Being one? Being in love with one, or two? The most recent experience was being engaged to a man I met in AA who ended up drinking again. Obviously, we did not marry. But I have never had such a wonderful relationship - until the day he drank.... and then it was over, but it took me a year to realize it. Two weeks ago after a meeting of my home group, I found out he is still alive, in terribly bad shape, still drinking.... but then the clincher - "he still asks about you and talks about you all the time." Oh my goodness. I loved him so much. But that is over and done with.
Here's the thing if you are trying to recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body - you just move on. If you're tired, if you're hurt, if your life is wonderful, if it falls apart - you just do what you have learned you need to do to stay sober. I never want to look back so long that I lose my forward motion.
It's a wonderful week in my life. I have so many wonderful things going on. But I have to say, it is a bit overwhelming. I have had moments of fear - will I be able to do this new job? Am I too old? Is my brain still sharp enough to do this? Do I have the stamina? Because this is tiring! But I have a couple of mantras, and I am repeating them as needed - e.g., I was hand-picked by people who know me to do this job, I am excited about this job, and that God is in charge and even if it falls apart, I will be OK.
So, I'll step out there again today. And know that God is with me, holding me in the palm of his hand. I will likely stay sober all day today and I hope you all do too.
7 comments:
Vrooooooom!
You know.....I was just telling my daughter who is exhausted by her new schedule of college, track, and work, and commuting an hour each way....its a new schedule. Our bodies eventually acclimate as our new schedule becomes routine. I have complete faith that you, my marathon running friend, will be fine. I'm really happy for you.
Vrooooom!
I'm counting on that happening - maybe next week?
Exciting time in your life. Thanks for sharing, MC. All the best as you figure out the details of your new routine. Your honesty about life and sobriety, your faithfulness to post and to let the "real" you shine through encourages me so many miles away. Tomorrow, I will be 90 days sober. Found your blog 60 days in, before I found AA. It helped keep me on track and not drinking, along with a lot of prayer. I have found AA and I will likely stay sober today, by the Grace of God and the help of those who have gone before me.
Thanks for your part.
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks so much for sharing that. I know that people desperate for help stumble upon my blog, it is always so humbling when one shares that with me. I am also encouraged to see that you have asked God for help and have gone to AA - because ultimately, that is my message here. Happy 89 days! Every single one is a miracle. God bless you, MC
MC, it sounds as if your friend would benefit from Al-Anon. It is rough to deal with an active drinker without benefit of a recovery program of support. And millions do try that every day--to tough it out alone. So sad and draining.
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