Monday, January 30, 2012
I moved to Denver in the summer and got sober three weeks later in late July. I came from living 8 years in two different small mountain towns. The last two years were in the Colorado mountains. I found the winters in the mountains nearly unbearable. When I got to Denver and got sober, I thought all of my depression was over. Winter in Denver is a breeze compared to the mountains. That first winter - my first in sobriety and first in Denver was delightful! But I guess I have been here now long enough to find it a challenge to get through.
This year I have a new job and new surroundings and I think that will side-step the whole late winter depression. We shall see.
I keep thinking of a conversation I had after the meeting on Saturday. I need to call someone about it. A sponsee was sitting with me during the meeting and whispered to me that our friend's face was bright red. I hadn't noticed. I knew what she meant. Our friend's face was bright red when she was drinking. She came to meetings for years drinking. Drunk. Out of her mind. She nearly died about 18 months ago. And then she got sober. When she celebrated a year, I heard warning bells that were nearly deafening. But I hoped I was wrong. The group was so excited, they had showered her with flowers, gifts, cards, etc. I always get alarmed when I see that - I have seen so many think they have graduated and stop going to meetings. She got a defiant attitude that day - "See? You didn't think I would get sober, but here I am!" There was no humility or gratitude. It put a chill through me.
And on Saturday, there she was, after the meeting talking about a huge setback she had just gone through. My friend and I said quickly - "But you stayed sober through it! What a miracle." She looked around and started talking faster and faster about how horrible it was. That put a chill through me. Oh, dear Lord, I hope I am wrong. But that did not sound like a sober woman to me.
I will call my friend later today and see what is up.
I have a wonderful day ahead and I need to get to it. I am working from home. I need to be at my desk at 7 a.m. to start. Then I have a meeting at 11:30 at the hospital where I worked for 17+ years. Then back to work here. I have my first "product" due at 3:30 and I am a bit nervous about getting it done. I would have had it done by now if I hadn't had to learn how to use Office 2010 in order to get my work done.
I am so grateful to be sober. I am so grateful that God has put just the right people in my life all throughout my sobriety. I am particularly grateful that he put me with a bunch of ruffians in my early sobriety. I am glad I was always a bit afraid in those early meetings. I learned to shut up and listen. It was incredibly good for me. Back then, I thought I was brilliant and needed to be put in my place on more than one occasion. I don't see anyone who is now willing to do that, it wouldn't be "polite." We would rather watch people die, with their ego intact than hurt someone's feelings and maybe give them a chance to live.
"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." -- Seventh Step Prayer, p. 76