Peaceful Pentecost Sunday

Yes, I just got home from church. It was wonderful. On the way out of the door, I hugged the Pastor and told him how glad I am that he is there and how grateful I am for him. One more of the things that would or could never have happened 23 years ago when I was deep in my disease.

I am also grateful that I am less than half way through a three day weekend. I still have plenty to do. I still have a headache. It might be from all the tears that seem to keep springing from my eyes. Hey, maybe I will do what I frequently do on the weekends and write a big long self-disclosing post when I have this delusional belief that no one reads my blog. Let me be quick to say that I AM grateful for anyone who does read my blog. Thank You.

It would be reasonable for you to wonder why it is that I am crying. There are many reasons, mostly to do with people I care about. The number one thing that is disturbing me these days is the fact that my only son has several more months to serve in Iraq. I seem to have lost my ability to cope with this. It being Memorial Day weekend really does not help. I cannot turn on the television set because it is too much for me to bear. He was on leave in Australia for several weeks, and I think just having a two week reprieve from having that worry hanging over my head made the weight of its presence so much more unbearable now. I have faith that I will get used to it again and cope again with it. But for now... not so good. (and the fact that I do not feel free to talk about this because people use it as a platform from which to launch their political vitriol does not help!)

I have been at my workplace for nearly 13 years. In those years, I have seen many people I have grown to care about leave. I have seen a few die. In my current incarnation, I am rather isolated. I sit in my office and analyze - it is my job. However, I need human contact. In the last several years, I have become very close to two women - they both gave notice two weeks ago. There is no one else in the organization I am close to anymore. Thank God my daughter works in the same building. But as for workie girlfriends... no mas.

Then, on Thursday night, the man I am dating (but not talking about) called to tell me he is moving. I had been dealing with this fairly well. We had dinner on Friday night and I saw him craning his neck to look at something behind me... it was a TV set in the bar part of the restaurant which had a baseball game on. Then the spring of involuntary tears flowed again down my face. I do not normally watch baseball, but when we started seeing each other last year, much of our courtship involved baseball in one way or another - so to me it is all about him. I was talking with him on the phone yesterday and he said "do you have a cold?" because I was crying again. When I saw him yesterday I cried again. He is touched by this, but he has always marveled at the frequency of my crying, so he isn't overly upset by my tears (and believe me, this is a good thing.)

People change, grow, move on, and move away. Somehow in my second decade of sobriety I started being really consistent. I never was before. But since 1994, I have had the same job. I have had attended the same AA groups, I have attended the same church since 1998. I have lived in the same home since 2001... I have had the same phone number since 1998. I have had the same cellular phone number since 1997! But in that time, people have come and gone into and out of my life. Even my sponsor moved last year!

When I was drinking, people were basically scenery to me. They were props in the drama of my life. They were definintely interchangable. When one left, there was always another to replace them, I never spent any time suffering over it. Since I came to my first meeting on July 24, 1984, I have learned to love people. I care about them. I care about their well-being. I have joy in my heart when I see them. I still regularly see the man who took me to my first meeting. I still regularly converse via e-mail with the woman who was my first sponsor (she now lives outside of London).

This is the good news. I actually care deeply about people who are in my life. I care deeply about some of the bloggers I have come to know over the last almost 2 years. Thank God I have the ability to care, but with it comes pain as well as joy.

Happy Sunday everyone.

"Only God is unchanging, only He has all the truth there is." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 76 (the book opened to this page, cool)

Ten things you don't want to know about me...

Christine tagged me to do this. As I sit here and start this, I have not a clue of anything you don't want to know about me... I'm honored you take the time to read my blog and DO want to know anything about me.

1. I get migraine headaches... I have one now.
2. I love the sound of birds singing in the pre-dawn morning.
3. I have post-traumatic stress from having three small children within two and a half years, and I have great difficulty being around small children - even my very own beloved grandchildren.
4. I was attacked by guard dogs when I was 5, I am*mostly* over my fear of dogs, but it can come up unexpectedly.
5. Running has helped me with my fear of dogs and of people.
6. I sometimes close my curtain when I see my neighbor and her husband outside, she used to be my close friend, and then HE came along, and although I am truly happy for them, it sometimes makes me want to gag to see them holding hands, riding a bicycle built for two, calling each other "honey" and acting like adolescents. Sorry. I am working on this.
7. I have a serious history with debilitating major depression. My diagnosis now reads - (296.36) major depressive disorder, recurrent, in full remission. I think maybe it isn't in full remission right now.
8. I knit in AA meetings. Some people think this is wonderful, others think I ought to put my needles away and act like other people.
9. I give away 99.9% of what I knit in meetings, and the recipients do NOT think I ought to stop knitting.
10. I am more grateful than words can say for the program and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous. You guys embraced me when I was pretty unembracable and loved me until I could love myself, you brought me back to God and eventually the religion of my youth. The steps have removed lifetime problems - not solved, not "worked out" - they were erased!
(11. Every morning I have to type in a Word Verification to publish my blog, and every morning, it takes me 2 to 3 tries to get it right. I cannot read those twisting bizarre letters!- okay, now I am on try #4)
Post script: I am glad you mentioned that you don't have to do word verification to post.... I have just checked this out and it seems Blogger has identified this blog as a spam blog and that is why I have to do WV. I have sent them an e-mail to identify to them I am an actual human being. I hope I pass the test!

Friday Morning

I seem to be climbing out of the deep dark abyss I fell into sometime on Tuesday afternoon. I expected a crash after the race, but this was a lot more than I expected.

The man I have been dating (but not talking about) called last night to tell me he has taken a job in another city and will be moving. Gee.

I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting. I need to sit for an hour in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I will probably go to the 5:30 meeting tonight after work too. Last night a sponsee wanted to have dinner with me, so I did that instead of going to my usual Thursday night meeting. I am grateful for her and the ability to sit and share with another woman in AA.

"We sit in AA meetings and listen, not only to receive something ourselves, but to give the reassurance and support which our presence can bring. If our turn comes to speak at a meeting, we again try to carry AA's message. Whether our audience is one or many, it is still Twelfth Step work." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 110

Grateful List For my friend Daave

Today I am grateful:

• for the new bud on my new rose bush (see above)
• that wrinkles do not hurt
• for friends who call
• for friends who answer the phone when I call
• for a friend who loaned me a CD of Bill Wilson speaking on the day Dr. Bob died - I hadn't heard it before yesterday
• that we mostly haven't "loused this thing up" as Dr. Bob warned Bill
• that I get to go to my church this morning and spend an hour in silent prayer
• for knowing that "feelings aren't facts" and I am just suffering from post-race let down - I will bounce back.
  

"Believe more deeply. Hold you face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Wednesday Morning

It is 40 degrees outside. I woke up and thought I would run, but I looked at my books and they strongly urge me to let my body heal. I feel like a slacker. Perhaps I will take a walk.

I got a post card yesterday from my son. He sent it while he was on leave in Sydney. He is back to Iraq now. I am having nightmares about him. I feel like I am going through the whole thing over again. I was so frightened when he first got over there, and then I came to accept it as the reality of each day. Now I feel frightened again... almost panic stricken. I will hope to come back to the level of acceptance I had before. Being panic stricken is not a feeling I like to have.

Okay, I think I shall go take a walk and get ready for another day.

"Like most people, we have found that we can take our big lumps as they come. But also like others, we often discover a greater challenge in the lesser and more continuous problems of life. Our answer is in still more spiritual development. Only by this means can we improve our chances for really happy and useful living." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 114

This is what I looked like...

At the end of 13.1 miles. he he.

I am still on a pink cloud from that race. I really need to write about all I learned...but aren't you lucky because I won't bore you with it here!

Yesterday I had an iced latte from Starbucks at noon. I guess that is too late in the day for me to consume caffeine because I barely slept last night until about 4 a.m., and then I slept like a rock until 6. I am running way late and haven't even run this morning. I feel rather sluggish. I have a meeting with my boss this morning and I need to be sharp! sharp! sharp!

Maybe running 13.1 miles wipes everything out of your mind and that is why I am feeling so happy. I don't know. I just don't seem to have much to say. I am sure I will tomorrow...

"The minute I figure I have got a perfectly clear pipeline to God, I have become egotistical enough to get into real trouble. Nobody can cause more needless grief than a power-driver who thinks he has got it straight from God." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 38

+1 day

One day postpartum (as Scott described it) or post race. I thought I would need to stay home from work today, but I am fine and will be happy to go to work. I may very well wear my medal - what a ham I am! I will be limping along, but I will have a smile on my face.

"True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 125

I did it!

I ran 13.1 miles to get that medal! And it was worth every step of it. The race was wonderful. I decided from the start that I was going to enjoy the day, not get stressed, and not get competitive. I ran as fast or slow as I felt like, I stopped to go to the bathroom once, I stopped and talked to my friend Holly who cheering for me at mile 9 - just when I was feeling weak. I left Holly feeling wonderful. My time was definitely not good, but it IS my personal best for a half-marathon - since I have not done one before.

My daughter enjoyed the race too, which I feel very happy about since she didn't train at all. She just called to see how it was for me to walk up my stairs in my house... ow! Holy Cow, I am really hurting, and she is too. But it is a marvelous kind of hurting - from doing something I have always dreamed of doing, and trained for 5 months to do. I just hope I don't lose any toenails, but I am afraid I might.

Thank you all you sober men and women who surround me and hold me up when I am flagging. Even when you are not there physically, you are still there with me spiritually. Can you imagine a drunk Mary Christine at the age of 55? I would be a terminally old woman, not a woman who actually beat her 28 year old daughter by about 15 minutes in a half-marathon. Life is good.

"Everybody knows that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. So let each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy , joyous, and free." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

The Day Before

We went to the expo yesterday afternoon and got our race packets. I am so frickin' excited! I won't be posting again until tomorrow after the race. Please say a prayer for me if you have a second and are so inclined. Thank you.

I am off to a 6:30 a.m. meeting now. It will be good to sit still and be quiet for an hour. Then the day begins... I had hoped that it would be a quiet day, full of nothing. However, I have many things to get done before the race, so I will be pretty much running around all day. I will be hydrating and taking in lots of carbs... yippppeee!!! Trying to stuff all the glycogen I can into each and every cell of mine.

Thanks so much for all the well-wishes and support. I really really appreciate it. I am pretty much a one topic person this morning, so that's enough out of me!

"Change is characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish dependence to adult responsibility -- of this and infinitely more represent change for the better....
Only God is unchanging; only He has all the truth there is." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 76

2 Days

Until my race. Woo Hoo! I am so excited! I am as ready as I am going to be... all my training is done. I will find out how effective it was on Sunday. And no matter what, when I finish, I will have recorded my best time ever and my personal record for a half-marathon!

Last night at the 5:30 meeting, there was almost a fight. A particularly obnoxious man was telling off one of my sponsees during the meeting, and she told him to knock it off, someone else entered the fray, and the chair put an end to it quickly. The obnoxious man called the chair a few nasty names, but it did end. I was really grateful we had someone with years (decades) 0f sobriety chairing the meeting, she was magnificent in her calm handling of a difficult situation. It could have been even more ugly. We are not only people who normally would not mix, but we are often people with a host of problems other than alcoholism - in various degrees of addressing those problems - or not. The obnoxious man is sober over 30 years, so I just imagine what he would be like if he were drinking, and I pray for him and thank God that he is sober. He lost his wife about ten years ago, and he has never really been the same since.

So last night in my written 10th step inventory, I got to count the fact that I kept my big mouth shut during this incident on the positive side of the ledger. I used to never pass by an opportunity to "enter the fray."

I am extremely grateful that I get to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I no longer have unrealistic expectations of its members. We are sick people. Some of us are miracles of mental health, some others are not doing so well today, but if they don't pick up a drink there is always hope. God is Good!

"These are the growing pains of infancy, and we actually thrive on them. Surmounting such problems, in AA's rather rugged school of life, is a healthy exercise." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 143

Ready for the rAAce

There's my zipped pocket on my shirt, my "gu," and my super deluxe Garmin Forerunner 305.... and the abysmal time I recorded on it yesterday.

Thank God for the recovery we get to experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. Left to my own devices, I would be sitting in a bar, drunk on my ass, and smoking many menthol cigarettes.

"We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Four Days

Until the race. I bought a new shirt and hat yesterday! The shirt has a little zipped pocket on the hem... but I might just wear another shirt I like better -without a pocket. The woman at the running store (who is one of the race organizers) said that all I need to have with me is my car key, driver's license, and some money - and I can stash those in my bra. I don't need to carry gel because they will be giving it away at every aid station (every 2 miles).

I cancelled all the rest of my appointments with sponsees for this week. I need to do very little other than work, eat, go to church twice, and SLEEP. One sponsee I expected to feel hurt and maybe resentful surprised me when she said that I was a good role model because I had good boundaries and was doing good self care. And I thought I was just being incredibly self-centered!

I was going to take a quick run this morning, but my back hurts and I slept later than I wanted. So I will go to work and take a quick run after I get home. It will be good to get out in the afternoon heat since it is supposed to get up in the 80s on Sunday, which is not something anyone around here is used to. Thank You for listening to this endless race-talk.

Oh, and I was looking through my site meter this morning, and found someone got to my blog by searching "fast anonymity." This person was from a middle-eastern country because google's English was interspersed with Arabic (I assume). I copied what I think is "Anonymous Alcoholic" in Arabic: ترجم هذه الصفحة (OH MY GOODNESS! I just clicked on this link, and it is my very own blog translated into Arabic! Holy Cow!)

"We know that if we rebel against doing that which is reasonably possible for us, then we will be penalized. And we will be equally penalized if we presume in ourselves a perfection that simply is not there." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 159

5 Days

Until my half-marathon. I am getting quite nervous. I still don't know what I am wearing - which is a big mistake to make. I have run with a jacket for all of these months of training... I forgot that on May 20 it is likely to be at least in the 60s and I need to wear a singlet, no jacket, and a pair of compression shorts (with no pocket). So I have no pocket to put my car key and my gel in. I can stick them in my bra, but that probably isn't the most comfortable thing to do. I hope to figure this out today.

Yesterday I got to have lunch with my old friend who now lives in Montana. It was great to see him. We sat in a restaurant for an hour and a half and visited. It is nice to be with a person who knows your ancient history and loves you. I told him how overwhelmed I am with the number of new women I am sponsoring and he suggested that I get them all together at one time and read the big book - all of us - once a week. This would technically work since they are all on the first or second step right now. I think people need the one on one attention that a sponsor provides, but they also need the camaraderie of their peers. I notice that these people don't hang out with one another which is really really sad.... anyway.... does anyone have any thoughts on this?

This is going to be one long ass post... sorry. So, I have always said that if you are sponsoring more than 2 or 3 people, it is nothing but an ego trip. My sponsor has agreed with me. Now I am sponsoring five women, four of whom are in their first 90 days of sobriety. I don't know how this has happened to me. I have an idea though. (after "the man" criticized me for cussing in meetings, I have really toned it down, and I have also become a lot more careful about what I share in meetings, which I think is a negative thing, but is attracting more and more people to me. DRAT! I think I used to cuss and tell outrageous stories to keep people away.) I am staying in frequent contact with my sponsor and talking to her about all of these relationships and she does not think this is an ego trip, but she sure worries about how busy and tired I am.

I am reading a book by Henri Nouwen, "The Return of the Prodigal Son." It is his reflection on the painting by Rembrandt of the same name. There is a lot in that little book, but one of the things that has struck me most profoundly is that most of us read that parable, or see that painting and identify with the prodigal. But it is enlightening to look at it through the eyes of the older brother or the father. I have BEEN the prodigal, I have been the older brother (metaphorically speaking, of course). I think it might be time to strive to be more like "the father." The forgiving one who loves unconditionally.

I am a 55 year old woman who has been sober for 22 years, 9 months, and 21 days. I think I need to revise my own ideas about who I am. I better stop writing this - I am getting carried away and probably convoluted... so on that note, how about one of my favorite jokes:

Did you hear about Descartes sitting at a cafe - the waiter asked him if he would care for more tea, to which Descartes replied, "I think not." and vanished!

"Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest reponsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill that immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 13

Monday Morning

You know, I always say I love Saturday Mornings - and I do. But I might like Monday Mornings second best. I am so glad to be going back to work today. And today I am having lunch with a bearded gentleman from Montana!

I had absolutely no down-time all weekend. I am exhausted. Mothers Day was not the best. Everyone was cranky - and I may have been the crankmeister. This may sound like an excuse, but I think these family traditional dinners are difficult because we all miss a certain soldier serving in Iraq. My son, their brother, their uncle. At first, it was a novelty and we could all feel brave or noble or something. Now it is getting very old, and I feel nothing but weary and sad.

Yesterday at church there was a little slide show behind the Priest as he gave his homily. One of the images was of a mother and her son in uniform. Her face was pressed into his chest. He might have been leaving, but I got the feeling he had just come back. She looked tired and tear-stained, but relieved and so grateful to be touching her son. That started my tears, and I cried through the rest of Mass.

By the time I got the voice mail last night from my dear friend, I thought -oh no! Tim is in town and I do not have one second to carve away to meet him! I called him back and he suggested lunch! Well, hells bells, I have time for lunch! Thank God for old friends. I am greatly looking forward to seeing him.

I better get out and run and get ready for work. I am so grateful that I have a job where I can escape myself for 8 to 10 hours a day! I would like to borrow Zane's line today : Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxvi

A week from now...

I will be at the start line of the half-marathon. And by 9:00 a.m., it will be over. And then I can stop training for a half-marathon and start training for the August triathlon! I am really weary from all this running. It will be great to add in bike riding and swimming.

Today is Mothers Day. 2 out of 3 of my kids will be coming over later. 100% of my 2 grandkids will be coming too. I am grateful to be a mother of three wonderful adults. My children are people I not only love, but I LIKE them - problems and all. I miss my son terribly and look forward to next year when he will be here with us.

I hope that my mother can see her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, because she really would be pleased. My mom died when I was 19. I was such a drunken mess at 19 and I know I was a disappointment to her. But, oh! how my life changed after I got sober and stayed sober, and I hope that she knows that.

I am being morbid this morning. I think I shall go paint my toenails! And get ready for church! And get ready for the kids coming over! They wanted to take me out, but I do not want to deal with a restaurant on Mothers Day! Heck no! I am going to grill salmon. Have a happy Sunday everyone.

"A clear light seems to fall upon us all - when we open our eyes. Since our blindness is caused by our own defects, we must first deeply realize what they are. Constructive meditation is the first requirement for each new step in our spiritual growth." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 10

Saturday Morning

I love Saturday morning. I am going to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting, then come home and take a 5 mile run. I am tapering before my race. I will run very little in this last week before the half-marathon.

My son called on Thursday night from a country other than Iraq. He is on a well-deserved leave. He is having a wonderful vacation. We got to have a frank conversation for the first time since he has been gone. It was disconcerting, to put it mildly. Please God, get us through the next few months until he gets home.

Yesterday I got to hear my friend Larry's story at the 6:30 meeting. What a life he has had! It was good to be there. As I left, I opened my car windows, and opened the sun roof and drove to work - with the wind blowing in my hair. Really, how great is this? I get to go to an AA meeting on my way to work, I get to hear a friend of mine share his life story, I get to drive a nice car on a beautiful day. Life is good - if I will look for the good. If I look for the bad, believe me, I will find it.

I am greatly looking forward to this day.

"I find joy in my daily life, in being of service, in simply being. I have found rooms full of wonderful people, and for me ach and everyone of the Big Book's promises have come true." - - Alcoholics Anonymous (4th ed.), p. 475

Happy Friday Morning

My friend Larry, with the many tears (of mine) in his ears, is telling his story at 6:30 this morning. I must be there! He is a sweetheart, not to mention the fact that he has an incredible story.

My half-marathon is now only 9 days away. I bought a GPS thing yesterday and went out and timed a one mile run. My time is even worse than I thought! Oh well. I will just be a slow, chubby, old lady running a half-marathon. I have trained for 5 months to do this race and I will do it and I swear to you, I WILL enjoy it. I have to get the idea that I am competitive out of my head.

I am so busy between work and sponsoring people and training for this race. I am really ready for a weekend. It has been a really busy week. A good week. I am noticing that as I write my 10th step inventory at night, more and more I have nothing but positive things to write. Which is not to say that I don't have my character defects and occassional bad behavior, but thankfully it is not something that I have to write about EVERY day.

"It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. As a matter of fact, the waking hours are usually well filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 93

David Stone

Thanks Pam for this beautiful gift.

I am off to church now and in a super huge hurry! Have a great day everyone.

"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

48 degrees

I am riding my bike to work today. I usually start riding my bike earlier in the year. I have been so focused on my marathon training, I have foregone a bunch of stuff I really like. With the price of gas as it is, I hope to ride my bike to work frequently this summer. I am in my "taper" period before my half-marathon, which means that I am barely running at all for the next 11 days - and then it is race day!

Several of you asked about the excessive crying of Monday night. I had an argument with the man I have been seeing since September (but not talking about). The argument wasn't that bad really. We got off the phone on good terms, but after we hung up, I started crying, and the rest is history. It has been years since I have cried like that. Some have suggested that I needed a good cry. I may have needed a good cry, but that cry was ridiculous!

I better get ready for my bike ride. Have a great and peaceful day everyone. And if I had one suggestion? Just be nice to each other. That's all. You don't need to memorize the big book, you don't need to be able to give us page numbers and exact quotes... just care about one another and try to encourage, lift up, and love!

"We blame little things in others and pass over great things in ourselves; we are quick enough in perceiving and weighing what we suffer from others, but we mind not what others suffer from us." -- Thomas A'Kempis, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, May 9, p. 130

Controversy

It seems a lot of us are talking about THE Newsweek article ostensibly about AA this week. There was a copy of it lying around the meeting room the other day. Great message for the newcomer. Someone tried to steer the meeting topic to it last night. It didn't work - there are so many new people in the room, I am sure most of them had no clue about the controversy.

So the Midtown Group in Washington DC is bad. So what? There are "bad" groups all over this country. There are many, many more good groups. Whenever you have self-governed groups of social misfits like many alcoholics, you are bound to have trouble now and then. We are alcoholics in various stages of recovery. You have the people who are only there for sex, the people who are only there to try to scam something, etc. If they are alcoholics and keep coming back, and doing the deal, they may eventually straighten out. And maybe not.

The important thing is: If you are alcoholic and want to stay sober in AA, you will either stay sober in whatever group you are in, you will find another group to go to - or you will get drunk. This is not rocket science. It is unfortunate that vulnerable newcomers get hurt by people in AA. But it has happened since the beginning of AA and probably always will. The real story is the incredible love that is showered upon newcomers and oldtimers and everyone in between at most AA groups all around the world - every single day. But who wants to write an article about that?

Last night I had an upsetting incident. I got home and cried. Then I cried some more, and then my crying seemed to feed my crying. I got on my knees and prayed. And still I cried. After a while, I realized I would need to call someone. The person I thought of was Larry, so I called Larry. He listened to me while I cried. He listened to me even though I had a hard time telling him what was wrong. He listened, and listened, and listened. He told me that when he sees me his heart is happy. He told me I am a kind person and a good person. He told me that whatever I was telling myself was not correct. And he told me that I would need to do some work and get with my sponsor. I told him I am already writing and working with my sponsor. This is what AA is about. One drunk helping another drunk. A simple voice on the other line, listening. The incredible love that we show one another, in the most simple ways.

I am forever grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous and all that has happened to me in it... good and bad. Because it is all good - I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and you can't get any better than that - if you are a drunk like me.

"It all went on a little care about golf-score size. The cover read: 'Middleton Group #1. Rule #62.' Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: ' Don't take yourself too damn seriously.'" -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 149

Good Morning World

I did get to take a picture of my front porch yesterday after the ice melted. I hope it warms up soon, it is only 37 degrees now and I would like to run, but that is 7 degrees warmer than it was yesterday when I got up.

What I learned from my vacation: Thank God I have a job. Thank God I have a job that engages my brain. Thank God I have a job where I really like a lot of people. Thank God I have a job where people really like me. All I have wanted to do for the last week is sleep.

I had an OK time in Galveston - some of it good, some of it not so good. I had a freaking fabulous time in Houston. I loved meeting my sober blogging pals. I loved sitting at Starbuck's and Barnaby's and in meetings with Daave, Scott, Pam, Zane, Ricky!!! and so many others. The trip to Houston really made my trip worthwhile.

The first day I was home, I did lots of stuff that needed to be done (turning on my sprinkler system for instance), but after that, I slept. Then I slept some more. Then I took a nap. Then I went to bed. Then after that I snoozed for a while. This is NOT good for a person's self esteem, I can tell you that. So I am glad I am going back to work, although I am concerned about staying awake all day!

I spent yesterday with my 39 days clean and sober daughter. Who has probably gained 39 pounds in 39 days. God bless her. She is doing well. She got a job and starts on Wednesday. It is a decent job and I think she will do well there. She will work in the plumbing department of a "DIY" type store - some other blog called DIY "Destroy It Yourself" haha. Her last career was in auto parts, so I know she has the capacity to learn all about plumbing - and that is good.

So now I shall go out and take this slow old body for a run! and then go to work! yay!

"The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, (3rd ed.) p. 553

Colorado May Morning

This morning as I woke up, I thought I would put my flag out on my front porch and take a picture of the flag and the flowers and the porch (those who have read this blog for a while understand that I love my front porch in the summer). However, instead my little world is coated with ice this morning. So I am posting a picture of my back deck (which I don't like nearly as much as the front porch) and the flowers that are now incased in friggin' ice. Oh well, another $100. or so on flowers that are now ruined. I lost my sunglasses last week - another $130. gone.

Okay. On the positive side. Last night I heard the story of a man I knew even before he got sober 13 years ago. He is the husband of an AA acquaintance. What a story! Holy cow. Arrested for "murder one" with the Charles Manson group - because he was living with them! Obviously, he was cleared of that, or I certainly wouldn't have been listening to his story in an AA meeting in Colorado.

Went to my morning group's monthly night watch dinner last night. I made a strawberry pie. There was literally a line of people with plates to get a piece of this pie. It was gone within 5 minutes and made me feel appreciated. Several people asked me to bring two of them next month. (I probably won't do that.) It was nice to sit and be part of this fellowship. One of the benefits of being older is that men now look forward to introducing me to their wives! That did not used to be the case.

I am going to church this morning since I didn't go last night. I am grateful that gas is *only* $3.00 a gallon and I can still afford to drive to my church which isn't very close to my house. Someday I may need to walk to the church that is only a mile away. That is something I wouldn't like.

I am just a ray of sunshine this morning, aren't I? I will probably be better later on - I should wait til then to write something, but I won't.

"...we are so aware that God will not desert us when the chips are down; indeed, He did not when we were drinking. And so it should be with the remainder of life." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 221

Dizzy

I am feeling dizzy this morning. I am going on an organized run, and I don't want to go. I really don't feel well. But I am reminded of what my high school sociology teacher wrote in my year book "If dizzy dames are what make this world go around, you must make it rotate five times faster." That was AFTER he asked me to run away to California with him on his motorcycle. I have often wondered what would have happened if I said yes. Of course, back then, I thought it was a fun flirtation... now it would be considered sexual assault by one in a position of trust... he would go to prison for 10 years and then be a sex offender for life - unable to live anywhere but under a bridge.

I really am dizzy and have a headache. But I will go on this run anyway. I will give an update about whether I feel worse or better afterwards.
-------------------------------
Update:
The run was miserable. I felt like crap. I intended to run 6 miles, but got to the 2 mile mark and was CRYING like a baby, and decided to head back. I am so freaking slow. Slower than any other runner (but faster than the walkers). An Angel named Lana ran back with me. I got to talk with a bunch of experienced marathoners after the run, and I am re-encouraged. It doesn't matter how fast or slow I am, what matters is that I am out there doing it. (another thought: when you run with a running club, they just MIGHT be the fast runners.) They assured me that I will NOT be the last finisher.
-------------------------------
Have a great weekend everybody.

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

Friday Morning

I am finally acclimating to being on vacation - just in time to go back to work! I slept until 7:30 this morning. It was nice, but really after a week or so off work, I realize (again) that I really need the structure and socialization that my workplace provides. I will be happy to get back to work on Monday.

Last night on my way to the 5:30 meeting, I decided I really didn't want to go to the meeting (I had already been to one meeting earlier in the day) and instead I called my oldest sponsee and asked her if she would like to have dinner with me. We went out and had big steak dinners, it was lovely. I was starved after a day of running around starting at 4:30 a.m.!

Tomorrow I am participating in a free run sponsored by the marathon folks. The half-marathon is only a little over 2 weeks away. Saturday's run will be my last long run before the race.... and I think the race will be my last long run for a loooooong time. I am so done with running. I cannot wait to train for the triathlon - I will concentrate on biking and swimming for a while, and then I will have to throw in some running again eventually.

Today I will work in my yard and then go to a meeting tonight... I will finish the book I have been reading all week. It is a good one. I am boring today. Sorry. I even looked through my site meter to see if there were any interesting searches that landed someone at my blog. The only one even slightly interesting was "why do alcoholics think everyone is nice?" I don't even get that one... I think, as a group, we are pretty distrustful and don't think anyone is nice... until we get a little nicer and trustworthy ourselves.

"How did I eliminate my problems? I mean, I had so many problems for such a long time. Where did they go? The short (but somewhat mysterious) answer is: the Third Step swept them away. I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him." -- Jim P., Santa Monica, CA - AA Grapevine, May 2007, p. 53

Off to church

My feet relaxing on a Galveston, TX beach.

I am off to church for my Thursday morning committment. The difference with being on vacation is that today I can come back home and go back to sleep if I feel like it!

Yesterday my neighbor and I took our annual trek to the garden store and got a load of flowers. It is so lovely to see flowers around... expect to see pictures soon and all summer long.

It is both too early and too late for me to write much of anything here. I am still mainly asleep, and yet, I need to be out of here in 15 minutes, so I better go. Thank God I am sober. Thank God you are too.

"Once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of AA and probably always will be so." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 312

Wednesday Morning

I am debating riding my bike to the meeting this morning. I have about 4 minutes to make up my mind. It is only 41 degrees outside, and it is very wet, due to soaking rainstorms yesterday. Doesn't sound very appealing, does it?

I had a wonderful day of vacation yesterday. Went to a meeting first thing, then had a visitor, then mowed my lawn, fired up my sprinkler system for summer, and took a 10 and a half mile run. The run was good, but very difficult. At least 5 miles of it is uphill, seriously uphill. I am sure I will be glad of these training runs when I am running the half-marathon in 18 days (eeeek!) Today I get to go pick up my wrist watch! It has been getting a new watchband installed for the last 4 weeks. At Tiffany's, it is a major event to get a new watchband.

At the meeting yesterday, a man who has recently returned to AA after a year and a half spell of drinking went on a tirade about the quality of sharing in AA meetings. He didn't like something someone said to someone else. Someone COULD tell him that his knowing it all might have been what led him to leave AA before, but no one did. Personally, I believe we kill people with kindness... it would have been a far kinder thing to tell him to mind his own business than to smile indulgently as we listened to him. It is more satisfying to me to smile indulgently, but it is not helpful to anyone. I just told him there was no waste in God's economy, and if someone said something that he thought was unkind, it was probably just the thing SOMEONE else needed to hear. (and I have, by spending 15 minutes writing this, made my decision NOT to ride my bike to the meeting today!)

"Though many theologians hold that sudden spiritual experiences amount to a special distinction, if not a divine appointment of some sort, I question this view. Every human being, no matter what his attributes for good or evil, is a part of the divine spriritual economy. Therefore, each of us has his place, and I cannot see that God intends to exalt one over another." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 168

There's no place like home...

(magnolia tree outside of Daave's terrace.)
I am back at my own computer this morning, in my own home, drinking my own coffee, watching my own CNN, looking out my own window.... It is good to be home.

I had the most astounding time in Houston. Meeting my fellow bloggers was incredibly wonderful. I attended two meetings at "Lambda", and they were both really great meetings. I will forever be grateful to Daave for driving me around and being such a gracious host. Meeting Scott and Pam, Ricky!!! and Zane, and so many others was just really the highlight of my trip. I am really blown away by the experience. I could write and write about it, but I am pretty sure it would sound like nothing but over-the-top hyperbole - but it is how I feel. This experience definitely goes into the treasure box of memories to cherish.

Now I have four more days off work, to bum around, get my garden and lawn dressed up for summer, get a few naps in, some good long runs, a bike ride or two, and whatever else I fancy!

I got home to many frantic phone messages from work yesterday. Many frantic e-mails too. In the old days, I would be back at work today - because they NEED me. But nowadays - I am on vacation and I am staying on vacation. I NEED a vacation.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

at dAAve's

Here I am, at dAAve's computer... I needed to post something here because I miss my blog.

What a freaking miracle to meet all these wonderful bloggers. To sit, outdoors in the Houston Humidity, and feel so comfortable with these folks I have never "met" before. I feel that I know them because of our beautiful fellowship. And, as I always say - "to these people I am truly related." I got to meet dAAve, Scott W., Pam, Ricky!!! and a whole bunch of wonderful folks at Lambda. I wish I felt as comfortable with my own blood family.

I will post more when I get home.. I am leaving this afternoon.

"In any meeting, anywhere, AAs share experience, strength, and hope with each other, in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics. Modem-to-modem or face-to-face, AAs speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p xxiv (dAAve's copy)

Sunrise Run on the Beach!

Yes, I found a computer here at the hotel, so the world doesn't have to forego a day of MC... aren't you all glad?

It is still dark out, and I am here in the lobby with this very slow computer... waiting for first light to get out and run. Should be fun. The beach is wonderful - the rest of my family doesn't think so, but I do. For a person who lives in Colorado, this feels like heaven. Oh, blessed humidity! I know it is a pain, but oh, it feels so so so good on my skin and in my lungs.

It is wonderful to sit and talk with my nephews. To look at these grown men and see the baby boys they were. I still see that when I look at them. And they are such fine young men. I just wish my son was here. All of my siblings are here. All Five of Us in one place. It is good.

The bartender was so sweet to me last night. I kept asking him what other non-alcoholic drink he could think of. I started with a Roy Rogers - he didn't even know what that was! I had to tell him! Then I had a club soda, then a cup of coffee, and finally some juice. It was fun. I think I was the only person not drinking. The amazing thing when you get sober and attend functions is that not everyone is drunk. Only one or two people had two much to drink (on our side of the family, of course), the rest had one or two drinks (weirdos!) When I was drinking, I assumed that everyone else was drinking like a pig like me.

Today is the wedding. Tomorrow I am heading up to Houston to meet some of my favorite people!

I have no big book quote today.

I'm outa here!

I am going to Texas today! I will get to go to my nephew's wedding in Galveston, and on Sunday I will get to meet some of my favorite bloggers! I am very excited about this trip.

Yesterday I attended my very first (and probably last) NA meeting. My daughter asked me to come because she picked up her 30 day token. I was thrilled to see this. She has a home group and a sponsor, I think these are the things that separate those who stay from those who go... generally speaking.

I better get ready and get out of here. See some of you later!

"For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love-without strings, without obligation-we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 312"

Fully Clothed Thursday

I have not one idea for a photo for today. Maybe it is because I am trying to wrap everything up at work so that I can take 6 days of vacation. Maybe it is because I am packing and trying to get ready for a trip (woo hoo! can't wait!). I suspect it is more likely due to the fact that I am trying to get out of here to get to church by 5:00 a.m., as I do every Thursday. There is a limit to how creative one can be in such a short time. So, I humbly apologize for having no picture today.

My daughter has 30 days today. Is there no limit to God's love? (that is a rhetorical question, I do know the answer.) She asked me to come to her NA meeting at noon, which I may or may not be able to do.

Life seems shining and bright this morning. I thank God for the fact that I admitted defeat, surrendered to God, and kept putting one foot in front of the other, doing the things asked of me - cleaning house and trusting God - and haven't had to take a drink since then. Thank you God.

"When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 57

April Showers

Here are my favorite pink tulips. They are in full bloom right now and it appears they survived yesterday's snow.

I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting, so I need to kick it in gear. I cannot find the motivation to get out on this 35 degree morning to run, I will run after work tonight - since I am no longer waiting for the Weds. night sponsee to show up. (I told her I would not do this anymore last week - there is no point in me sitting here waiting for someone who seldom shows up and when she does show up, is late.)

My Governing Body report went splendidly yesterday. I get so worked up about this part of my job. I have one more hurdle to get over before my vacation begins on Thursday afternoon. I am so excited about getting out of town, going to my nephew's wedding, and going to Sober Blogging Mecca (Houston).

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Rainy Tuesday

It is pouring rain outside. But it could be pouring snow, which it is just a few miles to the west. I hope it stays over there.

This morning I give my quarterly report to Governing Body. I will be so happy when this is over. I got my request to take next week off approved yesterday. AND yesterday I had my performance evaluation, and got the highest rating level, which pleases me. I am so glad I sat down and wrote up what I needed to - even though it was torture when I did it.

Last night after the meeting, a woman asked me to be her sponsor. I did something I have never done before... I told her I had too many people already, and I couldn't take one more. I still want to call her and tell her I will sponsor her. It goes against my grain to say no to someone who is asking for help, but I have been absolutely overwhelmed with the number of women I am sponsoring right now.

I had an e-mail yesterday from Houston. I am so excited about my upcoming trip. I went and bought some clothes yesterday - and I think I am going to return them today! I have no idea what to wear in Texas - I think it isn't likely to snow there? But a flannel shirt still may be in order?

"Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100

Monday, Monday, Can't Trust that Day...

Just kidding. I trust Monday implicitly. I am just singing more of "Monday, Monday" with dAAve.

I woke up to the sound of birds singing this morning! I feel fairly fabulous. I am going to head out for a short 4 mile run. It is 27 days until my half-marathon. I had the most glorious 10 mile run on Saturday, I wrote about it on my training blog if you are interested...

I only need to work 3 and a half days this week! They will be hard days, but then I am heading out of here for my nephew's wedding and to meet some bloggers!!! When I get back home, I do believe I am taking the entire next week off work. Just to putter around the house and chill. I am so tired I am hoping some time off will help. (It would probably help NOT to be training for a half marathon too.)

My daughter is still clean and sober. 28 days. My prayers have changed so much in these last 28 days. I am so grateful to see the power of God in my daughter's life. It is incredible.

"We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 132

Sunday Morning

Christine asked me if I have moved - because I refer to old meetings and new meetings, old people and new people. I guess I have never really explained that, so I will this morning!

I got sober in July 1984, having just moved to the northern suburbs of Denver. I moved a lot for a lot of years in my early sobriety, but aside from my time in British Columbia and Washington in 1990 and 1991, I always stayed on the north side of Denver and could go to the same groups I always had. That continuity meant the world to me, and still does.

In 1994, I got a job on the south side of Denver. I started attending an AA meeting at 6:30 a.m. on my way to work and really fell in love with that group. I stayed up north for my first couple of years there, and kept going to meetings there, but in 1998, I bought a townhouse on the south side of Denver. It is amazing how traumatic it was to move just 20 miles away. It was like moving to an entirely new city, except that I could still drive across town to get to meetings up north when I felt the need. In 2001, I bought the house that I am still living in - on the south-west side of town.

I essentially have three different groups of AA fellowship. 1. The people I knew in my first 10 years, who are more dear to me with each passing day. 2. The people from the 6:30 a.m. meeting I have been attending since 1994. 3. A whole new batch of people from the 5:30 p.m. meeting I just started attending last July. I really love all of these people. I say I get annoyed from time to time with the people from the "new" groups. I am seeing a man, I have deliberately tried to avoid talking about him here, but I will usually refer to him without referring to him - when I am annoyed with him. Hence Friday's post about people who criticize me... that would be him. Now, today, I think he is swell, so I won't be complaining. But I digress....

What I find difficult about the people who haven't known me for a long time is that they see me as someone I *am* today, but someone I truly *wasn't* before. So, to them, I am an educated, successful, church-goin' woman, which is fine, because that IS who I am today. However, I got here from being an angry, unemployable, promiscuous, very difficult person - and I am talking sobriety years here. When one of these "new" people chastises me for cussing in meetings, I can't even believe it! If he only knew! But I can continue to grow, I don't need to limit my growth because of some warped sense of proportion with my past.

I think it is interesting that I consider a group I have been attending since 1994 a new group. Indeed, most of the people there have gotten sober after 1994, so to them I am just one of the old people.

So this morning, I will take my newly blonde (I love it!!) self to church and then try to lounge today. Sorry for writing such a long-ass post. I sometimes do that on the weekends, I feel more free to write a lot because the readership is usually pretty low.

"Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

Saturday Morning

I love Saturday mornings. I am going to head out of here to a 6:30 a.m. meeting, and then take a 10 mile run. I will spend the afternoon getting my red hair turned back to blonde. Hopefully something fun will come up for tonight.

I went to my friend Denny's 24th AA Birthday meeting last night. It was so nice. Denny took me to my first meeting and over the years has become someone very dear to me. I got to see some other people I very seldom see . It is a nice feeling of belonging.

"There can be no absolute humility for us humans. At best, we can merely glimpse the meaning and splendor of such a perfect ideal. Only God himself can minifest in the absolute; we human beings must needs live and grow in the domain of the relative. So we seek progress in humility for today." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 236

Today is

30 days until the half-marathon. Yikes.

7 days before I leave for Texas.

4 days before my quarterly report to Governing Body.

1 day before I go back to blonde hair (from red).
The day I get to go to the dentist.
8 years from the day that the word "Columbine" changed forever from meaning a nice high school or a pretty flower.

And tonight I get to go to the 24th AA birthday of the man who took me to my first AA meeting. I talked to him on the phone for a while last night. It is amazing how free a conversation is with a person I have known for that long. We REALLY talk. It will be nice to be at his birthday tonight.

I really need to be around my old peeps. I love the new meetings I am attending, but miss the old people who really know me, and who I really know. I also miss the maturity of people who have been sober for a long time. I have a dear "new" friend who frequently critiques what I say in meetings. I listen to him because he is sober 7 years, knows the big book inside out and is probably "right". However, he lacks the love and acceptance that come from living a couple of decades in this beautiful program.

I guess it is just the way of the world right now. We have serious problems all over the place and instead of responding in a meaningful way to them, we decide to enforce rigid lack of sense of proportion, sense of humor, sense of common. We are becoming senseless automatons, enforcing rules, memorizing books, and becoming very familiar with the structures but not the hearts and needs of our brothers and sisters. One would think some humble drunks could be a little bit different... oh but get us sober for a day or two and we can be the worst of the lot! And I understand because I have been there.

Okay, I will shut up now and get ready for work.

"We AA's find we need something much better in order to keep our balance. We can't stand it if we hate deeply. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody at all, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 93

Evidence of a Life

As I look at the evidence of a life - so far - I am overwhelmed with gratitude that so much of it has been sober. What a gift. Thank you all you sober people for all that you give to me each day.

"Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 276

Surrogate Drunk Dream

Last night I had a drunk dream for my daughter! I dreamed she got high and drunk and it was very ugly. It woke me up. And then, much like my own drunk dreams, I wondered if it was real and it took a few minutes to reorient myself. Strange...

I overslept again today! I never do this, and now I have done it two days in a row. I can't run again this morning because there is not time. I need to be at work on time today because I have a presentation to give at 9:30 that I just put the finishing touches on last night before I left work. I still need to look at it with fresh eyes this morning, make any needed changes, and print it.

Last night I was looking through my huge box of photos. I am looking for photos of my nephew who is getting married at the end of this month. In the bottom of the box was the note I left for my husband on July 24, 1984, the night I went to my first meeting. I couldn't believe it! I must have found it at one point and decided to keep it for historical purposes - and in the meantime I forgot about it entirely. I also put my journal from that time period somewhere for historical purposes, and I haven't been able to find it for a couple of years now. I treasured that journal entry I wrote after my first meeting... I was so excited about the idea that I might possibly be able to quit drinking!

"We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, 'a design for living' that really works." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 28

April Madness

The club where I attend most of my meetings is about 2 miles from Columbine High School. Some of my friends had children at Columbine that day. One of my friends lost his niece that day. Everyone in this community has been touched in one way or another by the 1999 tragedy. The massacre at Virginia Tech has opened these wounds. I pray for all those affected by these tragedies.

I am so grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, where we need never be alone with our problems again. We never need to feel isolated and alone and unloved again. Of course, we still have the option of ignoring this wonderful miracle in our lives, but we don't have to.

- I got my taxes paid yesterday. Phew. Someday I hope not to have to write those checks in April.
- I got the project I have been whining about finished yesterday. I hope not to read or hear another word about adolescent suicide for a very long time.
- I talked with my daughter yesterday and told her that I felt that I was getting to spend time with someone I haven't seen for a long time. She said she told her boyfriend that she felt like she was seeing an old friend when we had dinner on Sunday.
- I am going to be so late for work today, and I didn't even run.... I slept late today.

"This brought me to the good healthy realization that there were plenty of situations left in the world over which I had no personal power - that if I was so ready to admit that to be the case with alcohol, so I must make the same admission with respect to much else. I would have to be still and know that He, not I, was God." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 114

Happy Birthday to Kenny!

Kenny is Three Years Sober Today! Go over and wish him a Happy Birthday!

My cold is miraculously gone. I thought I was going to die after that 10 mile run on Saturday, but yesterday morning, I woke up and felt great. I spent most of yesterday with my daughter. I got to meet some of her NA friends. My biggest job? Keeping my big mouth shut. We got to go out for a nice pasta dinner, which was lovely. She is so funny, she makes me laugh so much. I feel like I am getting to spend time with a person I have not seen for 3 or more years (the time she was deep into her addiction).

Now I shall go out for a quick 4 mile run and get to work. I get to start another week. I really like Mondays. I really like my Monday night meeting.

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was helathy, and that it would work where nothing else would." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

Home Group

This is a cell-phone photo from my run yesterday. I headed off in a different direction because the day was so beautiful. I ended up a little past this photo, 4 miles from home, realizing that I had a cold, felt crappy, and still had at least 4 miles to go. It ended up being a 10.5 mile run, and it was NOT fun, but I am glad it is done.

This morning I went to my home group. I have been calling it my "old home group", but I realize again this morning why it IS and probably always will be My Home Group. It is 20 miles from my house, but it is where I belong. I can sit with people who I have known since I got sober and who have known me. Today was my friend Eileen's 20th AA Birthday. When she first got sober, she came to noon meetings, in her suits, heels, and pearls. We were definitely people who normally would not mix! But over the years, we have become much more similar and we absolutely love each other.

It was so comforting to be with the people who know me AND love me. I know them AND love them. It is good. I seldom hear people talk about a home group anymore, but I think it is so very important. We get into a group where we let people know us. We get to know them. We go to their homes. We get to meet their families. When we don't show up at a meeting, people wonder where we are. When we show up and are full of crap, they tell us that. When we show up with our celebrations, sadnesses, heartbreaks, challenges, and victories, they celebrate and mourn with us. There is no other feeling of belonging like this. It is such a huge part of staying sober.

Back to Eileen... her husband, son, and granddaughter came to the meeting. At the end of the hour, she called on her son to share. He is a man in his 30s, and he cried. He shared that when he was in high school his mom's drinking was so bad. He didn't want to come home. And before he got home each day, he would pray that his mom was asleep. He finished by saying it is no longer like that, and thanking all of us. It was so moving. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.

We affect so many people with our drinking and then with our sobriety. A grown man, 20 years later, still crying because of the horror he lived through with an alcoholic mom. Oh, Lord, help us all.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, 'Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grant the wind stopped blowin?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 82

Sensitivity

I thought sensitivity was an asset until I got sober, and then I realized it was a crippling liability. This morning at my 6:30 a.m. meeting, I started to share, and looked across the table at two of my friends. They were talking amoungst themselves and laughing. I finished my sentence and shut up. I talked with them after the meeting about this - about my sensitivity and also how difficult it is to talk when there are side conversations going on. I do not ever want to be the person who starts sharing in a meeting and everyone gets up to go to the bathroom or get coffee.

I went out for breakfast with my friend H., who assured me that I am a long way from being the boring person in the meeting.

I came home from work early yesterday because no one wanted my snotty presence at work. I have a cold. I feel somewhat better today and I am about to get out and try to run 8 miles. We shall see if I feel THAT good.

"We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap. " -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 125

Friday Morning

It's 32 degrees, but the snowstorm we were expecting took a turn to the south, so at least we don't have the foot and a half of snow that we might have had. I ran last night after work (and before the 5:30 meeting) in anticipation of not being able to get out for a day or two.

I have got a cold and feel pretty miserable. I am hoping to have a quiet weekend at home. My two daughters and two granddaughters are going to spend the weekend together - but not here. I really need some serious down-time. I have so many major things going on at work, I still haven't done my taxes, my house is a disaster area, I am in the middle of a 4th step inventory, etc. But I would dearly love to spend Saturday in bed. We shall see what happens...

"Now that we're in AA and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against 'big-shot-ism' we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 92

Tiptoe Through the Tulips

I said I wouldn't post more pictures of my feet, but I just couldn't help being barefoot for a moment. These are the tulips I planted when I first bought my house almost 6 years ago. In my adult life and even most of my pre-adult life, I have never lived anywhere very long. When I was married to the husband I am now writing inventory on, we moved so much, I never really knew where we would be the next day or month. At that time I longed to live somewhere long enough to plant bulbs in the fall and be there when the flowers came up in the spring. Now I have seen these tulips come up for six springs.

"As individuals and as a fellowship, we shall surely suffer if we cast the whole job of planning for tomorrow onto a fatuous idea of providence. God's real providence has endowed us human beings with a considerable capability for foresight, and He evidently expects us to use it. Of course, we shall often miscalculate the future in whole or in part, but that is better than to refuse to think at all." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 317

Nothing Notable

It's Wednesday Morning. It is not a running day. It is not an anything notable day. I think I have only one meeting to attend at work today... but I have a massive project I have to complete today, which I didn't know until yesterday.

I met with my long term sponsee with long term sobriety last night. She came into my house, got on her knees, wrapped her arms around my waist and begged me to go out for pizza with her. It was actually quite cute, and we did go have pizza.

Tonight I will meet with the sponsee with 60 days who I was so harsh with last week. She has actually been going to meetings every day since then. And when she shares in the meetings, she talks a great deal about her sponsor, which I find embarrassing.

Update on my daughter: She is clean and sober 18 days today. She is going to meetings every day. She gets there by bus, which I respect so much. She is turning back into the wonderful young woman I not only love, but I really, really like.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 43

Rainy Tuesday

I woke to the sound of the rain on my roof this morning. I layed in bed for about 15 minutes just listening to it. Spring is a glorious time of the year. I feel almost myself again this morning. I got out and ran yesterday and was glad I did. I went to work yesterday and was glad I did. I got to a meeting last night and was glad I did. I went to a friend's apartment for a visit after the meeting and I was glad I did. I could have more easily stayed home and hid under the covers, that is what I felt like doing, but I am glad I didn't.

I am going to get out and run again this morning. It should be beautiful, the world waking up all freshly washed from a spring rain. It is 42 degrees, which is perfect for running.

I started writing my inventory yesterday. It felt good. Especially the first three columns! I really love the 4th step and the 10th step - of course, I love all the steps. It is incredible what this simple program can do. With a few simple steps, we are given the key to a new and wonderful life. We do not have to live with festering resentments and fear. We have a way out of these things that destroy our lives!

"The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 17

Easter Monday

Here's something I probably haven't written before: I don't feel like running today. It is a regular running day and I am really struggling to get my running gear on and get out the door. I would rather go back to bed. I am exhausted from the weekend. I am not used to having a house full of people, so having that all weekend just wore me out!

So I will head out and go running because it will probably improve my attitude.

"I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

Happy Easter

Last year my pink tulips bloomed on Easter morning. This year, they are coated in ice. Maybe next weekend, or maybe next year they will bloom. It is Easter Sunday morning and I have been awake since 2:15 a.m. I was out late last night, so I didn't get even a fraction of the amount of sleep I need to be even moderately functional. I will get to church at 7:30 a.m., and then have Easter baskets hidden for the kiddos, and get on with cooking a leg of lamb and trying to get my long run of the week in. Oh dear. This all sounds way too difficult right now.

I had a long chat with my sponsor yesterday about the situation I wrote about in yesterday's post. It is interesting that she has been my sponsor for 12 years and never knew about my history with this other woman. She agreed that it was an incredibly painful thing to go through. And it is surfacing now for a reason. I will do some writing. And I will thank God that I have this program and a loving God to help me with this.

Last night my 6:30 a.m. group had night watch. It was just so much fun. I love that group. I love so many of the people and feel so much a part of the group. I made a lemon meringue pie, and everyone liked it. (especially the man who is the main reason I am willing to spend hours making something good!)

Happy Easter everyone.

"We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, 'a design for living' that really works." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 28

Just when I thought...

I had no resentments... Really. I no longer resent anyone at work. I no longer resent anyone in my family. I no longer resent anyone in my AA circle. Then, I was at a meeting a few weeks ago and someone was talking about a conference later this year and said that "female alcoholic X" would be speaking, everyone should go, she is a GREAT speaker, a CIRCUIT speaker! I turned to the man, a dear old friend, next to me and said "she is a f***ing b****." How do you like that? Woops! At that time, I told my friend I probably have some work to do around this, he agreed (amazingly enough!) This morning, I was perusing blogs, and looked at an attachment someone had on their blog, and there she was again! A featured speaker at an AA event...

Another blogger has written a bit in the last year or so about people in AA who are "living dirty" and I smiled. It is my experience that when I am busy tending my own side of the street, I haven't time to worry about how others are living. But, then there are the people whose lives impact ours, and their "dirtiness" gets in our lives, and then we might end up with festering resentments. And then, guess what? It is OUR problem. Yep. When I am calling someone filthy names, it is MY problem, not hers.

Condensed version of this story: When I was married to my AA husband, he liked to travel around the country to round-ups and conferences and conventions, and I would go with him. He was sponsored by a series of "circuit speakers," who tend to have minions following them around, hanging on the hem of their garments. One day, sober about 8 years, in the throes of agony of a marriage that was falling apart, I was sitting in the back row at one of these events, listening to a speaker. She had every single thing I wanted. I asked her after the meeting if she would be my sponsor. She said she would. Over the next year or so, as we talked and she got to know me and my situation, she told me this - direct quote, I will never forget it.... She told me I MUST leave my husband... "there is a place for men like that, it is called the penitentiary." I left my husband, on foot, with nothing but a backpack. Really. No car, no furniture, no family pictures, nothing. I had my big book, some underwear, a toothbrush - whatever fit in that green back pack.

A few months later, I met with my then estranged husband for coffee, he was moving out of our home. He had a keychain with the letter "X" on it. I asked him what the "X" was for. He told me it was "female alcoholic X," it was her keychain - because he was moving into her house! Holy Shit! He was moving in with MY SPONSOR. Oh my goodness. I still get a sick feeling in my gut when I write this. After a few more months, he started telling me what was in my 5th step, because he said it had been discussed around her kitchen table... I told him I was free of all of that - the steps DO work, you know. She could put it on the front page of the Rocky Mountain News, I don't care. I told him that I would much rather be the aggreived party in this situation, because I can't imagine being sick enough to do what she did. sheesh.

But now, 14 years later, I realize that I am going to have to write some inventory on this. I simply cannot feel this way about another person. I will call my sponsor after church this morning and discuss this with her and make a plan. -- And thanks to anyone who has read this far in this long, long, grim post.

So, I am going to church for Morning Prayer. Then I will go buy a leg of lamb and all the rest of the stuff for Easter Dinner. A run later today if the ice clears off the sidewalks. Last night I put sheets on my lilacs and roses... we have got major ice and snow. I hope the pretty blooming things survive.

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 66

Snowy Good Friday Morning

This is the snow and ice encrusted cord to my iPod after my run this morning. The entire front of me was coated with ice. Fun! I had a great run. I opted to take today off, I dislike working on Good Friday. I have already gone to a meeting and I will probably go to another and spend some time at church before the day is over.

Easter is really my favorite holiday. It has not been embraced by our popular culture to the extent that other religious holidays have. Adults really don't embrace the whole Easter bunny concept... it is intended for children. So, I get to enjoy a holiday mainly for its religious significance... not its manifestation in secular culture. That said, I will still be making Easter baskets for the little ones. And I even sent one to Iraq!

My daughter is supposed to spend the weekend here, and I think the kids will too. It should be a busy weekend. She is doing well, I pray she can continue in this way. The other twin has gone to Moab, UT for the weekend. I am jealous. I love Moab.

"When I was driven to my knees by alcohol, I was made ready to ask for the gift of faith. And all was changed. Never again, my pains and problems notwithstanding, would I experience my former desolation. I saw the universe to be lighted by God's love; I was alone no more." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51

Around a Table

Reading the big book, around a table, with another alcoholic. It is a very good thing.... Also note the felted bowl I knit last weekend (and yes, what else but yarn would you put into a knitted bowl?)

My sponsee showed up last night and I gave her an assignment. She wants to "work the steps," but I told her she was on the step before the first step. That is the willingness thing. I asked her to write about if she is willing to go to any length. God Bless Her. She had tears in her eyes, and asked me not to fire her. I told her it is not about me, it is about her and her higher power. Does she want to be sober or not and if she does, what is she willing to do?

I hate this.

I want to be the Nice Sponsor. The Nice Lady who serves tea and cookies while we read the big book and go through the work. Oh crap.

This morning I get to go sit in my church for an hour before I do anything else. On Holy Thursday. This is very good. I will get over this other stuff.

If you have a second, go over and visit Clarity, she is struggling to stay sober.

"In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension - freedom under God as we understand him." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 283

Moonlit Run

This is a little low-quality cell phone photo from my run yesterday. That moon was so beautiful as it set over the mountains. I had a wonderful 5 mile run yesterday. And today is a wonderful day off from any exercise!

A sponsee is supposed to come over at 5:30 tonight. She has cancelled the last 5 or 6 weeks. I talked with MY sponsor about this last night and we agreed that I will fire her if she cancels tonight. Last week she was "stuck in traffic," the week before she was "too tired," the week before that she "needed to go to a meeting." I have no patience for this stuff. There are other women who would like me to work with them and I have really struggled to find time for them.... and yet, I set aside 5:30 on Weds. evening for a woman who never shows up. This has got to change.

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helfpul. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 102

20,000 visits

Yesterday this blog had its 20,000th visit. I don't know who the visitor was. I am grateful that people actually read this blog. I think it is quite an honor that we alcoholics listen to each other... and read each other. At one of the first AA meetings I attended, a man talked about how bizarre it is that in a room full of alcoholics, one person talks at a time, and we all listen! I really thought about that, I still consider it one of the most remarkable things about AA.

As a person who grew up in an alcoholic home, I was always told to be quiet, shhhhhh, don't be so dramatic, don't tell, don't talk about this outside of this house, etc. This seems to be some of the last baggage from childhood to leave. When someone criticizes something I have said - as in telling me I shouldn't have said that, or criticizes something I didn't say - as in telling me what urgent AA message I didn't share - I think I totally overreact. It is old stuff for me.

I consider it an honor that people listen to me in a meeting. I consider it an honor that people read my blog. Thank you.

I am going to get out and run 5 miles this morning as soon as it is dawn-ish outside. Once again, I had early morning waking... wide awake at 3:00 a.m., even though I didn't get to sleep until almost 11:00 last night. This is not enough sleep for me, but hopefully I will get some good sleep tonight.

Yesterday I was able to write up a list of my acccomplishments for my performance evaluation. Now it is out of my hands. Phew.

And an update on my daughter: She is now clean and sober one week. She is getting herself to a meeting every day, most of the time on the bus. I have tremendous respect for anyone who takes public transportation to meetings. Somehow I think they are more meaningful when you really have to work to get there.

"Dr. Bob did not need me for his spiritual instruction. He had already had more of that than I. What he did need, when we first met, was the deflation at depth and the understanding that only one drunk can give to another. What I needed was the humility of self-forgetfulness and the kinship with another human being of my own kind." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 212

Monday Morning

When I woke up this morning, I was actually looking forward to the day. This is good. This is how I usually feel. This is how I like to feel. I will get out and run a quick 3 miles, then get ready for work, and go and do what I am supposed to do at work, and then I will go to a 5:30 meeting on my way home from work. It all sounds good to me.

Today I think I will be able to do something I could not do on Friday. Each year at Performance Evaluation time, I need to write up a list of accomplishments and rationale for why I deserve the highest rating. I tried on Friday and could not do it. I have never been unable to articulate why I am so great at my job and why I am deserving of the ultimate rating, salary, and esteem! When I tried to write this on Friday and no words would come, it was very disturbing to me. I had told my boss in our verbal evaluation meeting, that although I am not normally a person with an abundance of self-confidence, when it comes to my job, I think I am "fabulous" and I feel I do a great job for which I am uniquely qualified. But I could not write it up. Today I think I can.

I really appreciate the kind comments over the last couple of days. I have really felt rotton. I really appreciate that right now I have no regular readers who feel that they need to write paragraphs and paragraphs of unsolicited advice. Anyway, thanks, I really appreciate you all.

"Gratitude should go forward, rather than backward. In other words, if you carry the message to still others, you will be making the best possible repayment for th help given to you." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 29

In tent

My daughter and granddaughter in a tent in my back yard. I was sitting in there with Olivia for a while, when the phone rang and it was dAAve! He said I was intense. I love a good pun and a bad joke. Love, Love, Love. I also love the thought of meeting some Houstonians at the end of this month.

I slept for 10 hours last night. It helped a great deal. I feel that I am getting sick, I have a sore throat and headache. Between that and no sleep, no wonder I felt "mental" yesterday.

And right now, I have my daughter and granddaughter sitting right behind me, bouncing on my balance ball, screaming and listening to Bob Marley (Redemption Songs) blasting out of my computer. God help me, please!!!!!!!

"I cannot change another person, and I have no right to try. What I can do is change my own outlook on life, so I can see other people's good and pleasant qualities. I can do this by living the Al-Anon way." -- One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 92, thought for the day April 1.