Monday, December 08, 2008

Blogging from Bed

No, I am not sick.  I have a daughter sleeping in the room I call my "office."  I have two daughters sleeping in this house at the moment.  Someone or another has been sharing this house with me since the beginning of May.  I have very mixed emotions about that.  The thing I miss the most about my solitude?  The mornings of banging around the kitchen, blasting the television, blasting my meditation music, walking around comfortably in my underwear (or less), wearing high heels on bare floors... you get the idea... making noise... being myself.

So, I shall go to work this morning.  Then I shall go to mass this evening because it is a Holy Day.  Then to Biblical School.  Mondays are so long, but so good.  

Update on the Homeowner's Association:  I talked with the president of the board over the weekend.   I apologized for my outburst on Tuesday night.  I told him I would honor my commitment to serve out my two years on the board.  I have 8 more months.  I just could not wrap my mind around quitting.  

And this is why I feel like a cockroach.  The creature that will still be crawling around the earth, long after evolved life has been extinguished.  I know it is so negative, but it is how I often feel.  Staying sober in AA for over 24 years can make you feel like you are the last one standing.  It is the scariest feeling in the world.  I watched a woman at the round up last weekend just beam as she stood - the last one standing - in the sobriety count down.  39 years.  This really disturbed me because I knew I would be crying if I were she.  I talked to my sponsor who has been sober for 35 years and she agreed, she would be crying too.  I don't want to be too close to the edge.  I want to be right in the middle.  I know the reality is that I get closer and closer to the edge the longer I live and the longer I stay sober.  But for now, I can revel in being in the middle.  And be grateful for God who cares for me so lovingly.  

12 comments:

Trailboss said...

pssssst.....good morning. I'm trying to be quiet.

Pam said...

Mary, I'm not sure if you mean crying because at 39 years sober and alone, or crying because of gratitude at being sober 39 years.
Although knowing you, both would make sense, and I "get" both.
Wish I could spend the day with you....except for the part of having two kids staying in the house ;)

Findon said...

I never thought of long term sobriety as getting closer to the edge. But I think you are right. I'll have to think about this one. Glad the housing association thing turned out ok.

dAAve said...

I bet you can find other ways to stay in the middle. To make adjustments to your perspective.

Syd said...

I'm glad that you decided to stay on the housing assoc. I'm sure that your keen mind and good sense will be helpful.

Cat said...

I wonder if as your time gets longer your mind changes to accept being the last one standing.

I have always been a middle kind of person as well. What a great thought provoking subject to post about!

Cat

J-Online said...

I like how Dave put it and admire you for staying on the Homeowners Committee.

jeanne leigh said...

Interesting post. My youngest son is a recovering addict. He is 8 months clean. This is such an accomplishment. He has been through so much. We have been through so much!! We truly celebrate every day. 39 years. However one experiences it, certainly is amazing and wonderful! thanks for sharing! jl

♥Shann♥ said...

In my homegroup, during birthday night we have lots of 30, 60, 90 days 6 months 9months 1yr 18months, 2, 3,4, 5yrs then it drops off to 7, 10, 13, 16, 20, 25, 35yrs then drops off sometimes... it is scarey because some people do get close to the edge, life gets good and they forget that they still need to maintain their program and get drunk, and sometimes die...
I am grateful for those who stay and keep working and keep coming back and sharing

Have A GOOD monday thanks for your post, made me think

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Oh I so understand the liking of being alone. Nothing like just being on your oww. I love that you stayed on the HOA...that is so awesome you can share so much with them and it's anohter way to shre what you've been given. I am so grateful for those with much more sobriety than me in the rooms. I went to see Karl K. here who has 46 years of sobriety...that was amazing. My sponsor this year has 25 and I am so grateful she attends meetings, shares her experience,strength and hope. Thank you for sharing yours!

GM~*

Scott W said...

I think I have some understanding of how you say you might feel being the last one standing. I do not have the experience of that so I can't be sure. But I think if you keep doing what you are doing you will get there, and you may be the only one standing, but those sitting around you will know that you blazed a trail that has filled them with gratitude and given them a life they could only dream of having. They will push you forward and there will always be those that love you within close reach. So, when you get 39 Dave and I will have 20 and Pam will have 31 and we will push you to the roundup in your wheelchair and be the loudest cheering you will hear.

A Tampa Realtor said...

Revel in being in the middle... good stuff!