I've started going to this "other" meeting on Thursday mornings because it is relatively small, but the few people there have been sober a long time. Like they smile at me because I am "just learning." So to this group I can go and actually talk about what is really going on in my life. Because there is no risk that I am going to freak out some newcomer. When my friend died last month I had a place to go and talk about my self-recriminations and that was OK.
I am grateful for that. It has been years since I have felt comfortable to talk about anything other than general stuff in an AA meeting. I have discussed the specifics with my sponsor and my friends, but not from the floor of a meeting. It is nice to have a meeting that is small enough and comfortable enough to talk about some stuff and get some help with it.
Somehow between today and Saturday morning, I need to knit 3 more slippers and felt them. (Felting involves knitting something in pure wool, making it very large, and when you are done, you throw it into the washing machine with very hot water, and shrink it until it is the right size. Then you shape them and let them dry. The wool is then dense and fuzzy and extremly warm.) 2/3 of my kids are leaving for Montana on Saturday. 2/2 of my grandchildren are going with them. I need to have these slippers knitted, washed, and dried for the granddaughters before they leave.
And then there will be me and their mother left here. She will go through her first Christmas without her kids. I am either a big help or a big hindrance because this is all very retraumatizing for me. She thinks I am a big help because I understand.
I do understand. Too well.
"No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 84