And it is Syd's fault that I bought a live tree. Yesterday he posted about an aluminum Christmas tree and how much he loved live trees. It made me realize how much I miss having a live tree in my home.
On my way home from work last night, I went to Ann Taylor - because a week without Ann Taylor is like a week I can save a couple hundred dollars - to purchase a camisole to go under the fabulous sweater I got at Saks on Thursday... but of course, I had to purchase another pair of pants, a silk blouse, and the pink cami. And on the way out of the parking lot, I spied a Christmas tree lot. I walked over and eyeballed a few trees and their price tags. A nice young man came over to help and I asked him what I could get for $20. He said that business is so bad that probably most of the trees are going to get thrown away and he sold me a beautiful 7' tree for $20. - and told me I was doing something good for the economy. Well, maybe I had done some good stuff for the economy in the last couple of weeks, but stealing a tree from him probably wasn't that good... but I did it anyway.
It is beautiful! Thanks Syd. Thanks Daave.
Wow. This is going to be a long post.
Yesterday a sponsee called to tell me about a dream she had. She dreamed that I took her somewhere and then abandoned her there. I assured her that I would not abandon her. But after we got off the phone, I thought about the fact that I had already abandoned her in a way. I left my old homegroup which is also her homegroup. So, this morning I mustered up all the guts I could get, got on my knees and prayed for the humility to go back to this group, and I got dressed and went. It has been 4 months since I set foot in that room.
The first man I saw in the parking lot greeted me casually, and I thought I was in trouble for sure because he is a dear heart. But when we got inside, he saw that it was me! He didn't recognize me in the dark with short hair. He was glad to see me and hugged me! I saw many people who treated me the same way! It was fabulous! It really was nice.
The drive down was really thought provoking though. I thought about how afraid I was. To go to an AA meeting! How wrong that is! I left the group over some clique-ish stuff. I had a falling out with a person, and the next thing I knew, this whole little group of his was giving me the cold shoulder... and I thought "screw this, I can go to any group in town, I do not need to be part of this." And I really do believe we have the freedom to chose to go to any group we want - or not go to any group we want. Do I want to be part of a group that has cliques? Not really. But I found that I missed people from the group. And I was also beginning to feel like I "couldn't" go there, which is a very very bad feeling.
I tried to imagine what it must feel like for a person who has been drinking to get dressed, hop in the car, or the bus, and get yourself to THAT AA meeting. The one where everyone knows you. The one where they know you have been drinking. I cannot imagine how hard that must be.
So although I have frequently said that it takes REAL guts to just STAY in AA and STAY sober, day after day, year after year, decade after decade.... this morning I got a small taste of the guts it would take to walk back in the door if you have been out.
I guess it all takes a lot of fortitude, doesn't it?
Let's all face it bravely today - together - sober, OK?