Immoderate Emotions

Yesterday I went to the Going Away Party for ME! at work.  I managed not to cry.  Some of you commented yesterday that it would be good for me to cry.  You probably have never seen me cry.  It is not normally just a tear or two, it is a full-out weep-fest.  Once it starts, it gets a life of its own.

I did "mist up" a couple of times.  There were a couple of speeches by people I love and respect.  They both talked about how much I always had my focus on the safety of patients.   If I had thought about what legacy I would have liked to have had - that would have been it.  I really never thought about "my legacy."   But I always knew my mission there was to make things better/more safe for the patients.  I know that line staff tend to think of people in the offices, "the suits," as people who are only thinking of numbers but I never thought ONLY of numbers - only how those affected the patients.  I am so gratified to know that this was noticed.

I got some gifts, some extremely touching cards, and we had lots of food.  It was very nice.  There is a photo that I will treasure forever - the Medical Director has been pouting for 2 weeks, since I gave notice - he couldn't walk into my office without having a little breakdown when he saw the boxes of my belongings all over the place.  We stood together at my party and made crying faces.  I love him and will miss him very much.

When I ran my first marathon, I was advised by my coach not to allow myself to cry in the last mile or two.  Simply because it takes too much energy.  I have cried at half-marathons and have felt wiped out and nutty.  When you get to the end of a long race you have spent months or years training for, it is extremely emotional.  I have crossed finish lines having virtual breakdowns.  And I have crossed finish lines with my arms in the air and a smile on my face - and I have to say I would much prefer to finish with my arms in the air and a smile on my face.  It is WAY more fun.  And although I sometimes think my emotions are out of my control, it really IS my choice how I want to finish a race.

If I look at my job as a marathon that I have spent 17 and a half years running, I know that I am not yet done. I have two more days.  I have a lot to get done in 2 days.  I cannot possibly allow myself to fall apart at this time.  I will have time to cry AFTER I leave.    But truly, I think I would rather walk out of there with a smile on my face.  Because I do feel good about my career there.

I am going out for the first run of the "spring" session of my running club this morning.  I am so happy to be doing something that is not work or relationship related.  And then a birthday party this afternoon of a dear friend.

It is going to be a great day.  I am grateful I don't have an emotional hangover from yesterday!

"Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence."  -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133