Thursday, March 15, 2012
Today was a good day at work. Tomorrow will be something. I have a class in the morning and then I am going to observe a site visit of a doomestic violence shelter. I hope this does not prompt more PTSD, but I wouldn't be surprised if it does.
I can change who I am today, but I can never change the experiences I have had. There was probably a time when I would have told you I was grateful for all of my experiences because they made me who I am. But I think I could have been who I am without having endured loving a man who broke my bones. I think I could have been who I am without having been raped.
Oh, I know... we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will see how our experience can benefit others. I have experienced that. I continue to experience that.
I wonder how it is that I find myself involved with a doomestic violence program as part of my job. I can handle the mental health portion of my job - it is what I have been doing for the last 18 years. This other thing? Throws me for a loop. I will get used to it.
A couple of years ago, I underwent a specific therapy for PTSD. When we began, I was to name a "safe place." I thought I should think up something impressive (like a desert island), but all I could think of was my bedroom. In the summer, it is a slice of heaven with the window open, the sheers floating in the breeze, and the ceiling fan humming. In the winter it is still nice. I am so grateful I named that as my safe place. It is right behind me now as I write, and in a minute I am going to go lay my body on my bed.
My body is safe, warm, clean, and unthreatened. My bed is safe, warm, clean, and unthreatening. I have every single thing I need in this moment.
I thank God for this, and another blessed day of sobriety. xoxox