Saturday, March 03, 2012

To My Own Self Being True

Sunrise from bus window
I am getting ready to go to a meeting of my homegroup this morning, followed by a walk in the park, followed by a visit to a church basement to start work on an icon.

I knew when I started my new job that things would change, but I had no idea how much.  I have had to take a hard look at everything I do.  Being so tired, I have had to look at how much energy I waste doing things that don't add anything to my life or the lives of others.

Last week I had a conversation with a psychiatrist who used to be my boss.  He was encouraging me to start painting again.  I told him I don't have the time.  He told me "you have to steal the time."  I have thought about that all week.  I have time to watch American Idol for five hours a week!  I have time to spend hours out exercising.  I have time to sit at this computer for more hours than I would even want to calculate.

Then one day Mary in Africa included this quote from Barbara Kingsolver:
The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.
This hit me hard.

I thought - I will do it!  I will start painting again!  And then I thought - no, I don't really want to paint just anything, I want to write icons.  So, I contacted the local people who are engaged in icon writing, and found that I could go today for four hours for a very nominal fee.  It will cost me money to get supplies, but I can do that piecemeal.

And last night I thought hard about whether I wanted to get up before 5 a.m. and drive across town to meet my running club.  The amazing answer was "no."  I will get out by myself and walk around a lake on my way home from the meeting.  I don't know if that will be sufficient, but I will give it a go.   But I don't want to be tired this afternoon - I actually want to DO something.

Tomorrow I will have tiny baby all day.  It will be the last time that I need to watch her while my daughter-in-law has drill.  Next time my son will be home!!!!!!!!  Then I can keep her while they go fishing or skiing or out for dinner.  How wonderful!

I feel like everything is changing.  In a very very good way.  Like I am crawling out from winter hibernation and into a new world that is alive.

I am thanking God for his Grace.  And I hope my icon will express some of that gratitude.


Syd said...

MC, it sounds like a great day. I feel as if spring is opening up here--I forget from year to year how amazingly beautiful our springs are. You are figuring out what you hope for. That's a good thing.

Patty said...

I love this post and it really helped me today, thanks, Mary.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

We never let ourselves off the hook. Of course you are tired you have turned you life upside down.

Giving ourselves permission to not meet our own expectations is hard to do.

Be nice to yourself do what you would do if you were on vacation even if you aren't leaving town. Less is more.

I love American Idol and watching people get recognized for their talents it inspires me.

dAAve said...

That's great mary.
I've always heard that I can find the time to do anything I want to do.
Change is good. We already know that.

Lou said...

I have changed my schedule to reflect my priorities also. All things are possible--"no time" is not an excuse.

I recently decided to stop getting up at 4:30am to go to the gym. I go after work, and some days I don't go at all...Holy Smoly, I never gave myself permission to do that before!!

You got this, MC. You will figure it out.

I would love to see a pic of the Icon, since I'm not sure what it is.

Annette said...

I just acquired 2 new clients to my already busy schedule... I needed to read this today. Thank you.