Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Dark Outside

Today I am remembering why I dislike the "spring forward" time change so much. It is 6:43 a.m., and it is still dark outside. I need to get out and run, but I really dislike running in the dark. You may say - well then run AFTER work.... well, that could work if I had any energy at the end of the day - which I usually don't... and if I didn't have a plan to meet a friend (Lash) after work tonight.

So, I read a blog this morning. I don't believe I have ever visited this particular blog before. I am not going to say who it is. But based on one entry, I heard echoes of a former self. A self that I hated to hear from. It is hard to hear from your ancient and most of the time forgotten past.

I was sober 6 years when I married a man I met in AA. He was sober 9 years. He was everything I wanted in a mate - and I was madly in love with him. About a week after we were married he hit me for the first time. I knew it wasn't a good sign, but I blamed myself. I just knew it was because I was so difficult to get along with - I had "pushed" this wonderful man to this extreme. I won't catalog here all the abuse, it was extensive. Broken bones, several of them, things I never heard of before this, things more like a scary movie than a real life. And do you know what I did?

I went to AA meetings. I listened to people say things like: "whenever I am disturbed by a situation, it is my problem." "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." I could go on, but you get the idea. So, I wrote inventory. And I wrote inventory. And I tried to keep my mouth shut. And I tried to accept him just the way he was. And I tried to find a sponsor who could tell me what was wrong with ME, so I could fix ME, and get this man to love me.

Finally my sponsor said to me "B. is a f***ing a**hole. You need to go back to where you belong and start over." And I actually did what she said! It wasn't over, but I was on my way back to reality.

So, I just want to say to anyone out there who is being abused and going to AA or Alanon meetings and trying to figure out what is wrong with yourself.... You can write inventory until you wear your fingers out - but if you are married to Adolf Hitler, he will remain Adolf Hitler. You can clean your own side of the street until it shines, but if you still have an abusive person in your life, that person will continue to abuse you. You may actually further enrage that person by acting so "nice".

Oh, thank God I don't live in that world anymore. My daughter said to me recently "As much as I hate B., I almost think it was because of him that you did so much with your life." Oh, yes, my little one. I had to plumb the depths of my soul before I was able to soar to new heights.

(it is now daylight, but too late to run) (this is a long post, sorry)

So, my gratitude for today:
  • I am single and will likely remain that way for the remainder of my days
  • I got a college education while in my forties
  • I have a good job
  • I can support myself
  • I have a lovely home - that I own
  • I have a car that no one has tampered with
  • I have friends who don't even know about this marriage
  • This episode (and others) did not define who I am
  • God loves me no matter what
  • God loves me so much that I was able to stay sober no matter what
  • Getting older is not always such a bad thing.


Pam said...

I read the same post as you this morning, and I'm still feeling upset by it..AND I said the wrong thing.
But shit I was there once myself and I could not figure a way out. It made me feel the familiar ICK in my gut this morning reading her denial and taking the blame as if he has any right at all to behave like that.
OK.....you-maybe until you can learn to run without falling...you need to wait until the sun is up...little navy bean.

Mark said...

Love it!
Love it!
Love it!

The gratitude list, that is :)

I suppose I could say that it would have be nicer if you didn't have to have that kind of experience in order to be able to pass on such valuable info, but I've come to believe that God gives certain folks very broad shoulders so that others might live. He also takes fine care of those who suffer because He is the one with All Power...

It's a great day in the land of the living!!!


Scott W said...

I love it when things work out in the end--because if they haven't worked out, then it isn't the end.

Syd said...

MC, this is a post that makes me realize how I need positive affirmations about me. And how important it is to not live with unacceptable behavior. I'm glad that you posted this. It is powerful.

dAAve said...

Great post.
That's all.

Zane-nawwaa said...

A good read is never to long. I am so glad you are no longer abused. My 1st stepfather was like that, and Mother finally shot him. I am so glad you did not get that far.
You used the power of AA. GOOD FOR YOU.

Anonymous said...

Thank you

Scott said...

I hate that these things happen to people... I am thankful that I have never been that kind of man. I cannot do much but I can pray and pray I shall...

Thank you for this post.

Bill said...

I'm playing catch-up today. This is a very powerful post. I'm glad you reached that point where you realized that the thing you were doing wrong was staying in an abusive relationship. Nobody deserves that. Hugs to you.