It's funny. People see things through their own lenses. Measure with their own yardstick. I think most people are kind and they want the best for others. I think most of the people who read my blog want the best for me and they want to offer me kind words when it sounds like I am down.
Yesterday I probably sounded like I was down. I wasn't. It might have sounded like I was being hard on myself, but believe me, I wasn't. I think it can also seem like I am running as fast as I can to escape some tragic reality, but I am not.
The only reality that I might be trying to adjust is the fact that I am a hopeless alcoholic - sober by the Grace of God for 23 years, 7 months, and 11 days - and I can never give back enough to fully pay for this - but it is worth the effort to try. I am a 56 year old woman who has less than 9 years left of her career - and there are things I want to do! I am an "adult onset athlete" who wants to do it all - and so far, I have been able to do everything I wanted to - which for an alcoholic who smoked 2 packs per day for 25 years, is pretty remarkable. I also have to say that I am a person who has been diagnosed with Major Depression and this exercise enables me to live without anti-depressants.
It is important that I take regular reality checks with my life. I had one on Monday morning. I cannot continue to take my work hours so cavalierly. It is not good for me, or my workplace. And it is not good for a person's self-esteem. Oh, believe me, I have plenty of self-esteem, and I guard it - so I don't do things that are bad for it. Sometimes that means I am on a pretty narrow path, and there aren't that many people on the path with me, and that is fine with me. If that looks like I am being hard on myself, that is OK. I know it isn't the truth.
So, I just want to say that I was talking with my daughter the other day. My "good" daughter. I was talking a bit about my blog. I told her that someone called me a "shape-shifting reptile." My daughter burst out laughing. She said "are you kidding???? someone really called you a 'shape-shifting reptile'?" and laughed some more. Well, the way she said it, I had to laugh too. Now we call each other that and laugh, because really, it is very funny. Sometimes the most serious people end up making themselves fodder for some really great humor.