Thursday, March 13, 2008

Memory Assault

I am going to write some honesty here, so I am sure glad I found a way to have either gotten rid of the evil commenter, or I have found a way to not have to listen to him... not sure which. He has either left me alone for a week or so, or I truly found the magical way to not ever have to see his comments. Let me know if you want to know the secret... but I digress...

This morning I left in haste for church, didn't have time to even blog. I thought I was ready to go to the gym after church, but I forgot my iPod. I realized I had my old iPod in my car, so I went to the gym after church at 6 a.m. My old iPod doesn't really work anymore. You have to jiggle the cord to get the earbuds to work right and adjusting the volume is iffy. Changing songs is impossible - and you can no longer even turn the thing off! So, there I was, a victim of whatever song came on next. And a song came on. I usually skip past it. I don't know when I last listened to it.

I was 2 miles into a 3 mile run and there was "Jersey Girl" by Bruce Springsteen. As I listened to Bruce sing "tonight I want to be with you," I thought how beautiful and how nice it would be to hear these words said to me.

And then I remembered. The first time I ever danced with George. At an AA dance. In 1984. To Jersey Girl by Bruce. George loved me. I eventually came to love George. We danced. A slow dance. And George wanted to be with me. George never stopped wanting to be with me. I was young and beautiful and newly sober and George was quite a bit older, and could never quite stay sober, but he adored me.

Today, I am a 56 year old grandmother, running as fast as she can on the treadmill... and believe me, I mean that in more ways than one. But this morning, I was transported back to a time when I was young, newly sober, and dancing with a man who adored me. Oh, dear. I had chills.

I wish I could have appreciated what I had when I had it. I never quite appreciated George, and I eventually broke up with him - I could not stay with someone who was drinking. I never appreciated being newly sober because I wanted to have decades of sobriety. I could go on, but I am sure you get the drift. (And I also will just say, just so no one needs to tell me: I do get the lesson here. I need to appreciate where I am today - and most days I do. I am just really tired today.)

George died a couple of years ago. I just want to say:

George Edward Schnaufer, I love you. Wherever you are, I love you. I hope you are resting peacefully in heavenly bliss ... and I hope I will see you again someday.

9 comments:

Syd said...

Your post makes me remember new love as well. I don't know where the time goes. I try not to go back to those places in my mind. It just seems too sad. Gotta stay in the present.

paul maurice martin said...

Beautiful insight. I've had my parallels - things which, looking back, I see how wonderful they were but at the time I greatly under-appreciated them.

One Drunk to Another said...

Oh, what a lovely, and sad, story. I guess the lovely ones usually are. Your comments ring so true for me, and there are time I long for the time when I was newly sober. There was a lot of pain, but it was beautiful and, sadly, unrecoverable. I didn't appreciate it then, either.

Pam said...

that was great MC.
I was beautiful when I fisrt got sober too...do you think recovery makes us age?? :)
We ARE AGING BEAUTIFULLY THOUGH!!
I wish I could say "im sorry" to some men in my life that loved me, that I could never love back.

dAAve said...

And today, you're dancing as fast as you can.

Zane-nawwaa said...

MC, very touching post. Brought back memories I cherish. Have a wonderful day. As for the unnamed one, he's at my post daily. I just hit reject and instant serenity.
Loving you in the sober day.

Scott W said...

That was charming and precious and brings back memories of past loves. To me it's all a part of the process of getting to where I am today, and I wouldn't change anything.

Thanks for sharing that moment.

Mark said...

Oh ... phooey... on you... you... brought...

tears.

I understand. Too well, sadly.

Scott said...

just a real nice post MC, thanks for sharing that