Yesterday I spent a great deal of time working on something that I am going to tell you about. I have thought about whether I should, and I think since I no longer have to deal with the evil commenter, I can tell you all anything I want! This is intensely personal, and I am putting it out there for the world to see. Is that not what blogging is all about?
One of the things I don't talk about is the fact that I was married at 18. The marriage was foolish at best. I was too young, but had survived a rather tough childhood and adolescence so I thought I was mature. So, I have been married three times, but I would rather people believe it was twice.
- at 18, to a man named Michael - who I called Micky... yuk. Divorced at 20.
- at 23, to a man I loved with all of my heart and I miss to this day - the father of my children. Divorced at 34.
- at however old I was at 6 years sober... 38, ok, 38... to an Australian...yuk... who was sober 8 years, the marriage was something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. We were married long enough for him to become a US citizen... divorced at 42.
About a month ago, I completed the application for annulment and mailed it to the Archdiocese. I got a reply a week ago that I needed to either find the man or provide proof that I have really tried and can't find him. So, I photocopied this big packet of my efforts and mailed it off. On Thursday of this week, I got the packet of stuff I have to do to get an annulment - so I guess my proof of effort was good enough. I need to gather some documentation...Yesterday I called the church where I was baptised to order my Certificate of Baptism. I called the church where I was married to get the Marriage Certificate, but had to order it from the state where we were married. I ordered the divorce decree online. Now all I have to do is answer about 10 pages of questions about myself, my former husband, and our marriage.
It is almost eerie to do this. As I typed in his name and my name and the date of our marriage, I just felt like there is no way they will ever find a marriage certificate or divorce decree. This has been something I haven't talked about for so long, I feel like it doesn't even really exist. I cannot wait to get this stuff back. I need to see it, to touch it, to feel it. And I guess I need to talk about it.
I can't believe I was ever an 18 year old girl, dressed in a beautiful white gown, with a beautiful white veil.. marrying a guy who was a drug dealer! What the hell was I thinking? What were my parents thinking?
And here I am, 38 years later... still trying to get it all sorted out. I guess it really is like an onion, the inventories, the amends, the changes. I would have never thought I would want to do this, but I want it so bad. The few people I have told about it have asked me why - why would you want to do this? Do you want to get married again? Nope. I just want this wreckage cleared up. I think it is interesting that my sponsor thinks this is a good idea and suggests that it will enable me to become a nun. I think it is doubly interesting that the man I have been dating for the last year and a half (but not talking about) asked me if I was doing this so I could become a nun. That is ironic in so many ways, but shows me how well these two know me... maybe better than I know myself.
I am so grateful for this beautiful program that allows me to live and grow and develop into the person God wants me to be, the person who was hiding in there for so many years.
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83