Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The best of our ability

When we have been done in by the results of living to the best of our ability, maybe we can finally surrender and admit that we need help. As I wrote in my last entry, I didn't get sober and clean up and live a wonderful life. I thought I did though.

At four and a half years of sobriety, I hit a new bottom. The bottom in sobriety was worse in many ways than my drunken bottom. It was raw, it was painful, it was real. The solution, to me, was elusive. I had no clue. It was different than "I drink too much, this is awful, I think I shall stop." This was "I am in horrible pain, I don't drink, I am pedaling as fast as I can doing everything I am told to stay sober and do what I am supposed to do, and still I am feeling horrible!" It is a bad feeling.

I didn't realize I was still living on self-will.

I was "working my ass off" to stay sober.

When you are "working your ass off" there is no room or need for the Grace of God.

If not for the crisis of suicidal depression, in sobriety, without medication, I might not have surrendered to the loving will of God. When I stopped running the world, I found it was a much nicer place. When I let go of ALL of my old ideas, life changed dramatically. I could not have forced those changes, I had to let God bring them about in and for me.

And this is why you will never hear me say "keep coming back, it works IF YOU WORK IT." holy crap. or "so WORK IT CUZ YOU'RE WORTH IT."

It works, in spite of me. My best efforts got me in a big enough mess to be willing to turn it over to God. That is what the best of my ability got me.

So, please, do keep coming back...


Syd said...

I hear a lot of alcoholics in Al-Anon say that they have gotten a lot of peace and a deeper spirituality through coming to Al-Anon. I know that when I think I can control others, I am forgetting about God and tumble into despair.

steveroni said...

"Keep coming back"...Yep, I do.
Thanks, MC

Carrie Burtt said...

You are such a precious person, and sharing your struggles is a brave and wonderful thing...it is not only healing for you, but it helps others with their struggles as well. We all need God's help with whatever it is we are facing in life, and we all struggle with that in itself. We try like crazy to fix things ourselves, thinking we are doing well....but we usually end up flat on our face in one form or another eventually. We are all in this together, one way or another...."keep coming back"..."keep sharing your thoughts and struggles". We all need each other....and most of all we need God. As always thank you for sharing. :-)

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Sigh, sometimes I really do work my ass off, and then in the end I realize (with the help of wonderful sponsorship and fellows like you all here in blog land) that I was making way to much of a simple idea.

Spirituality is the way of strength.

Slow down and listen with your heart, meditate and Rule 62 area ll good stuff.

I abstain from the mantra (keep coming back... it works if you work it) because I understand more fully that the prayer is the unifying thing that leads me to understanding God as the power... I savor the words in my heart, I don't choose to participate in the closing prayer to be a part of, I chose to pray because I want to remember who is in control as I'm standing there hand in hand with (when you think of how many meetings are going on in that moment) a few hundred thousand. That's a very incredible unification of voice in prayer to the power that works.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I forgot to say thank you for being a reflection of the light! I feel kindred spirits here in your posts.

dAAve said...

Getting sober, staying sober and living sober don't seem like work at all (to me). It's just the new journey I'm on.
I LOVE step 3.

Scott said...

geeze can I relate to this post...

I wandered into AA after all my :good ideas" and best attempts at living had gone down the tubes.

It seems like we're so stubborn that we simply will not accept God's Will until we've exhausted all of our own will first.

Kathy Lynne said...

This is the second time today and its only 9:15 am that I have heard this. So perhaps it is a message I need to really hear. Thanks and prayers for you MC! xo