Sunny Friday Morning

And I am about to pack up my cat in her little carrier and take her to the Dumb Friends League. I am grateful that I have all the requisite papers, and that I could locate them without a problem. Certificates of vaccination and sterilization, etc.

I saw Janine last night. She looks fine, thank God. She agreed that Minerva needed to be out of here. A neighbor wanted to talk me out of this on Tuesday night. She came over to say hi to Minerva. They have been great buddies, this neighbor cat-sits when I take vacations. The cat hissed at her and took a chomp out of her hand. Once again, blood dripping all over the place, and my neighbor changed her mind. I woke up this morning and thought - I can be late for work. I can do this now. I am going to do this now.

Went to a great meeting last night. Had pizza with the smaller (after my sponsor moved) gang after the meeting. It is good to be sober. It is good to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. No matter what happens, life is good.

Lunch

Lunch is one of my favorite things. Going out for lunch with my daughter almost every day is something I never anticipated I would enjoy so very much. (We work in the same building.) We laugh so much. Over stupid things. Like see the bento above? I asked the waitress what the items in the lower left corner were. Well, you can understand why I didn't recognize such exotic food as "potatoes". Oh dear.

Happy Birthday Mike! 365 days without a drink is a long time. One entire orbit of the earth around the sun - without once picking up a drink! Keep coming back...

Looking Forward...

Pictures from last year's Triathlon. I am training to do my third triathlon in August. This is a happy, happy part of my life. One of my daughters completed the triathlon with me last summer. The other daughter came to cheer us on, and decided she wants to do it this year. We are all registered and we are planning our first bike ride together on Sunday. I need to focus on happy, happy parts of my life right now.

When I was drinking, I would run almost every morning. I would consider it getting rid of the "toxins" in my body. I also smoked 2 packs a day. I always said I was "gonna" do this race or that race, but somehow I never even registered for one single race. When I was sober almost 3 years, I registered and completed my first race, it was the 10K Bolder Boulder. As I ran to the finish line in Folsom Stadium, I wept huge tears of joy. I had actually done something I said I was going to do! I ran the entire race with a cigarrette and matches in my little pink running shorts pocket. I lit up after the race. I think it is illegal to light up anywhere in Boulder, Colorado these days, but this was back in the 80s. Finishing that race was a golden moment. I have done many races since then. In fact, there used to a be a little group of us who would leave the 7:30 a.m. meeting and run, and we would do races all over the state. It was really fun.

Update on Janine: She says she is fine. The worst scratch is under her eye. She says it is OK, not infected. When I called the vet, she recommended a pet behavioral specialist. I don't think so.

July 16 Thought for the Day

It is my favorite out of all the days of the "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" book. I need to read it this morning and I will share it with you:

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has a purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should "wear the world like a loose garment." That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep, abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."

I am going out now to run. Yesterday morning I ran for the first time in 2 weeks. Update on the cat incident: I called Janine late last night and she said that on closer examination, her eyeball isn't actually scratched. Thank God for that. I just pray the other scratches heal without infection or complication. I also pray that I have the grace and strength to do what I need to do with my cat.

Cat Problem

My sponsee just left. She comes over most Monday nights and we read the big book. Tonight we were just talking. Out of nowhere, my cat attacked her. She scratched her eyeball, lower eyelid (the entire length of the eye), nose, and cheek. Janine had blood dripping off her face. Oh my God. I cannot have a cat that does stuff like this.

A little background. Minerva (the cat) was adopted by me on January 8, 2005. On April 23, 2005, she was in my backyard with me as I was painting the fence. She was on a harness and leash because there are wild animals around here that would enjoy a snack of kitten. Because I was painting the fence, the gate to my back yard was open, and the next thing I knew I heard a ruckus. A pit bull was in my back yard attacking this little defenseless kitten. I stood and screamed and threw things at the dog to no avail. I screamed so much that I lost my voice for over a week. My neighbor ran over and actually dragged the dog off my cat. Another neighbor came over and drove me and Minerva to the local vet. While another cadre of neighbors walked the dog around until they found his owner. (I love my neighbors.) My cat had some pretty serious injuries, and had to stay in the cat hospital for 3 days. The dog owner was very responsible and paid the bill and got rid of his dog.

However, my cat has never been right since then. I thought in time she would get more secure and be safer. But tonight I realized that she is not going to be OK. I cannot have a cat that will do something like this.

I am pretty freaked out about this. The sight of my sponsee with blood dripping from her face is something that I will not soon forget. I hope to God that those wounds heal without any infection.

I will call the vet tomorrow and get her advice as to where to go from here.

Please say a prayer for Janine if you can.

Thanks sober bloggers, you guys are the best.

New Blogger

Go visit Mike L. , Anonymous Biker - and new Sober Blogger.

Sunday Morning

I got up early this morning and headed out to a meeting and then to church. It was good to go to both. At the meeting, there was a woman who was celebrating 2 years of sobriety. Unfortunately, she has stopped going to meetings. There is definitely a difference between people who go to meetings and people who don't. (meeting makers make it, etc.) I hope she will start going to meetings again so that she can regain her happiness and regain a chance to stay sober.

My son just called for the first time since he left. It was good to talk to him. He is in Texas. He will know soon when he is going to Iraq. He sounds good. He will have his internet hooked up tomorrow, so I will be able to send him e-mail. I am so glad he called.

I have already started watching CMT videos instead of CNN. I am now Tivo-ing the top 20 so that I can watch it whenever I want. I will have to learn what all those channels I pay each month to receive by satellite are! Like Lifetime, or the Weather Channel, or Discovery... I will find out what they are. I have been a one or possibly two channel person for years. It is a sickness with me and CNN. Sometimes I switch to Fox News (especially after handsome Bill Hemmer went there).

Okay. Now I will do my tenth tradition post. My blog is entitled "Anonymous Alcoholic". I think that is really egomaniacal of me, but I did it anyway. Since my blog isn't named Mary Christine's frolics in the sun, and somewhere along the way says "oh, by the way, I am a recovering alcoholic," I don't think I can really say much other than recovery stuff. A lot of folks stumble onto my blog by searching things like "desperate alcoholic," "how do you know you are an alcoholic," "what do I do if my son is an alcoholic," "abandon yourself to God," and an almost all-time favorite "hungry, angry, lonely, tired." I think I have a responsibility to not be terribly offensive, and to make sure that my blog directs a person to AA. If I also say that I am an AA member and I have been sober by the Grace of God since July 24, 1984, that is good. If I say that AA works, and it is a good idea to not drink, go to meetings, read the big book, get a sponsor, and pass it on - that is good. If there is a link to AA on my sidebar, and a link to the big book online, that is good. There are links to other recovering alcoholics' blogs on the side too.

I talk about my life as a recovering alcoholic. It is not terribly exciting. It is mostly fairly wonderful though. I think we share our stories so that people can see that we just keep coming back and don't drink no matter what. Life can be wonderful in the middle of the worst tragedies and heartaches, if you are practicing these principles in all your affairs - to the best of your ability. I hope I never sound like I think I am the epitome of recovery, because that is surely not the case. But I have been living this way for a while and I like to share about it. I mostly hope that my story gives hope to others.

I have taken off links to blogs that frequently go off on political tangents. I am as political as the next guy, in fact, probably more so. But that is not what I am doing here. This is about recovery from alcoholism, a progressive, fatal illness. If I piss off half of the people who come to see my blog, what good is that?

I probably get close to that line with religion, but I never say WHAT religion I am, just that I go to church, etc. It wouldn't take Einstein to figure it out in about 10 seconds, but I try to keep my sharing on it limited to the fact that it is important to me. It Has NOT ONE THING TO DO WITH AA. If anyone had told me I had to go to church when I got sober, I would have run the other way. That was the last thing I wanted to do, I was sober for almost a decade before I went back to church. Thank God you wonderful people in Alcoholics Anonymous didn't make too hard of demands on me. Just these simple things:

Don't Drink.
Go to Meetings.
Get a Sponsor.
Read the Big Book.
Keep Coming Back. It works. It really does.

The icon is done

If you have time and the inclination, I have posted photos of my finished icon on my photo blog, go have a look.

Saturday Morning

It's my last day of class. I am both dreading and looking forward to this being over. I am extremely tired. It has been good. I hope my icon gets somewhere today. I really despaired over it yesterday. It just doesn't look that great to me. Maybe today will make the difference. Working with egg tempera is an amazing experience. I know this workshop is supposed to be more about the process than the product, but I want a nice product when I am done. That is just the way I am hard-wired!

I will post pictures tonight. Have a good day everyone.

Friday Morning

It is Friday. The sun is coming up earlier. The sun is staying up longer. The birds are actually singing this morning. It is so much easier to feel hopeful when it is spring.

I can now settle into my new/revised life. My sponsor has moved. My son left. The "big event" at the hospital has come and gone (we did very, very well.) I still have two more days of my class. The class is great. It is a wonderful place to be going through a bit of an emotional upset. For one thing, we are silent most of the time. The work is pretty all-consuming. The teacher and the fellow students are wonderful.

Yesterday I was so upset about my son leaving that I found myself doing that jagged breathing that you do when you are crying. Or like little kids and babies do after they have cried for a long time. It is just what I do when I get overwrought. This morning I am pleased to say that I find that I am breathing again.

Life is good when you are sober. No matter what. Thanks to The Grace of a Loving God.

Photo Blog

I just posted some icon pictures to my photo blog. If you have a second and the inclination, go visit...

3/23/06

My son is leaving on one of these today. Last night I told him I wouldn't cry and he said "thanks". I guess I should qualify that and say I didn't cry in his presence. Because I sure have cried. We sat on the floor of his almost empty apartment last night and had chinese food delivered. It was really special. All three of my children and me.

Thank God I am in my icon class instead of work this week. I really didn't understand why this timing has been the way it has been. But I think I understand now. I am with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. So loving and supportive. No crappy, snipey, cheap political crap.

I just spoke with my neighbor for a long time on the phone and I am also very grateful for her. I talked with my sponsor for a long time last night and I am very grateful for her.

I am also grateful for my icon of Michael the Archangel. He is really coming along. Three more days of this wonderful (but exhausting) class.

Thanks fellow bloggers too. I am feeling pretty pitiful this morning.

Wednesday March 22

"You cannot have a spiritual need which God cannot supply. Your fundamental need is a spiritual need, the need of power to live the good life. The best spiritual supply is received by you when you want it to pass on to other people. You get it largely by giving it away. God gives you strength as you pass it on to another person. That strength means increased health; increased health means more good work, and more good work means more people helped. And so it goes on, a constant supply to meet all spiritual needs."
Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

It is Wednesday of my vacation week. The icon class is very intense. There are some very lovely women in the class, some of whom I am getting to know. As an alcoholic who has had a VERY checkered past, it is so nice to just sit with all these "nice" churchy people and feel like I fit in. Oh sure, if I told them all the details of my sordid past I wouldn't fit in very well - but based on the person I am today, I feel very comfortable. Only by the Grace of a Loving God can I have the life I have and be the person I am today.

Springtime in the Rockies

Pretty, isn't it?

The Icon Class is wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I took my camera, but it felt wrong to take digital pictures of a 14th century method of painting, so I didn't get my camera out all day (except for this picture on the way to the class.)

It is extremely difficult to be away from the hospital right now. Harder still to turn off my cell phone and leave my pager in the car. But I have managed to do those things. I spent my lunch break on the phone to work and at least an hour after the class. My boss told someone that he knows that I would come back if he asked me (that is the truth), and I feel better knowing that he knows that. I also found out that my notebooks were very well received and commented on favorably.

I need to get to the class early this morning to burnish my halo. (I can't say that without laughing somewhat demonically.) The clay wasn't drying fast enough for me to get it done yesterday. I think the extra time I allowed it to dry will pay off in the end. I hope.

This is a very humbling experience. It is very intense, but also very peaceful and meditative. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... did I already say that?

3/20/06

Today begins my vacation. My class starts today. I also just discovered that the "Big Event" I have been waiting for at work starts today - really my whole reason for existence at work. It is an unannounced thing - my boss assured me that I needed to carry on with my life and not hold off vacations, etc., for an unannounced event. Whoda thunk it would happen on the one week I am not there? Out of all the weeks that I am? And on a day when no one is going to be on time because the roads are horrible?

I am going to go to my class and try my best to forget what is going on at the hospital. This is going to really be a spiritual exercise. Get rid of my ego and the thought that I am so indispensible to the hospital that I should come in even though I have made other plans. I also left everything on my desk, everything is in order so that others can go forward with what needs to be done. I need to LET GO.

I will now go outside and shovel some snow. And let go. let go. let go. let go.

Winter Storm Warning

I am going to post pictures to my photo blog, it is snowing. There is a winter storm warning. We are supposed to get over a foot of snow. I would love to be snowed in if my class didn't start tomorrow. I hate to sound mercenary, but I spent close to $100. a day for that class and I really don't want to miss a day. I would imagine that if the snow is very bad all over the city, they will make provisions.

I would love to write a book about my visit with my daughter and her family yesterday, but I don't know what the point would be. Today is my precious little granddaughter's 6th birthday. I brought her birthday present yesterday, she loved it. She has gone over to her Grandfather's (my ex-husband) today. I bought them a bunch of groceries, and got them a phone charger so they can at least have a cell phone if my daughter doesn't take off again. I haven't had peanut butter, Welch's grape jelly, and boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese, etc. in my grocery cart for a
l-o-n-g time! It was fun to have lunch with them yesterday.

I feel like crap. I hope I am just really tired and not getting sick.

Morning After

I went to the Morning After group this morning. It was my home group for years and years. It was good to be sitting there. With people I have known and who have known me for years. As I am talking about my children, there are people there who actually remember my kids when they WERE kids. That's more comforting than a plate of mashed potatoes!

Dutch was there. I haven't seen him for years. He was saying that the MFs at San Quentin told him he wouldn't live to 30. And here he is 70 years old, and sober 35 years. He said he can't even tell them they were wrong because they are all dead. He said he will have to tell them when he dies. I miss those crusty old guys. When I said in the meeting that I hadn't seen him for years, he just cross-talked over me and said "you aint goin' to the same meetings I am." The AA I got sober in was so rough and rude and crusty. And I loved it. I miss those good old days with Ed with his knife and Walt with his gun. I was a housewife, but a drunken housewife, and somehow I felt more comfortable with those lunatics than I had felt in years. And Tim spinning records at the dances. And dancing with him.

Did I mention that I have a migraine this morning? Well, I do. I don't feel well at all. All I want to do is go back to bed. But tomorrow is my sweetie granddaughter's birthday and I have to get my present across town to her.

My son is still stuck in Idaho due to weather. I just got off the phone with him. He will be leaving Denver on Thursday and I don't know if I will get to see him after that - for a year and a half. Oh crap. No wonder my head feels like it is about to explode.

Thank God for AA, the fellowship, and the simple things I can do each day to keep me from going off the deep end.

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then." Alcoholics Anonymous p. 164

My Blog! My Blog! Save My Blog!

What the heck is going on with this blog? I am posting right now even though I have no blog. Maybe this post will show up tomorrow, like the one I posted this morning and didn't show up until late this afternoon.

I am now officially on vacation. I spent the day briefing others on what they need to know while I am gone. It was intense, but kind of fun. I cleaned off my desk, and left notebooks full of things that others may need. It felt good to do what I could - and not try to control the universe. I will see how I deal with things should the "big event" occur while I am gone.

I won't get to go to the going away party for my son tomorrow. He is stuck in Idaho. Trying to fly a helicopter back to Colorado. I am disappointed about missing the event. I think it would put a formality to the whole nebulous "my son is going to Iraq" thing. I hesitate to even talk about it. For one thing - I do not care to hear someone use this as their platform to talk about their political beliefs. I am talking about my son, my only son. I cannot rationally discuss a war when I am talking about my only son. I respect him. I respect that he actually wants to do this. I am proud of him. I wish he wanted to spend his life in a library, but I don't get to control what he does as an adult.

OK, this is turning into a tirade. I better stop. It is late, I am tired. But I am on V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N.

hAApy St. pAAdy's dAAy

It is half nAAked thursday, go see the more creative people here.

It is a beautiful day, I just woke up. I got a good night's sleep last night in spite of extremely high winds. Before I feel asleep, I did think a bit about the $1,000 deductible on my homeowners policy. Maybe I should change that.

Yesterday I spent some time on a geriatric inpatient psychiatric unit. After spending some time there, I left with a newfound gratitude for my peaceful office, my high heel shoes, my ability to walk really really fast, and even though my family situation is not the best right now, there is no one who is raving, screaming, swearing, and babbling. Thank you God.

Life is good. No matter what. I better get a move on it. It is almost 7:00 a.m., and I am still sitting here in my boxers and tee-shirt.

Peace and Quiet

Thank you so much for all your prayers. It is almost 6:30 a.m. My house is quiet. My daughter and her family have gone. It was chaos here for 2 days. I have a low tolerance for chaos.

Today I am grateful for the son-in-law I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to my daughter when she started seeing him. I am grateful for the resiliency of their children. They are happy little children. I am grateful that their father has been their primary care giver since they were born - it lessens the tragedy of their mother being out of the picture for now. He thinks she will "come around" after a while more. I don't know that she ever will. I am so angry with her.

I am also grateful for my son - last night he had to go to Seattle, but he called to let me know. And he invited me to the official going away party on Saturday.

I am grateful that I have some good habits of sobriety so that even though my life doesn't *seem* very good right now, I can look around and realize that it is. It is life. Life isn't always a sunny day in the park. I do NOT want a drink and I am more grateful every day for my sobriety and a loving God who takes care of me (and all the rest of his children).

Sunny Tuesday

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, it is supposed to get warm this afternoon. That is all very good. It really helps to be able to look out the window and see sunshine and hear birds. And know I can take a walk if I want, etc.

My daughter came to my house last night. She took a long bath, ate a nice dinner, and fell asleep. She was sleeping this morning when I left the house. She will probably get rested up, and get a bit healthier so that she can do what she does. And that is not a good thing.

One thing I can do is pray for her. And so many others. It seems that there are many people having a great deal of difficulty right now.

Sober Chick has 9 months today. And that is a very good deal.

Snowy Sunday

This morning I went swimming. In the locker room after swimming I had a wonderful conversation with another woman about being women in our fifties. It was really a neat conversation. About letting go of old ideas and coming into our own, being more true to ourselves. I was happy to tell this woman that I have watched her for years, she does some kind of Tai Chi thing and it is really beautiful. She is often there when I am swimming on Sunday mornings and I really enjoy watching her. Imagine telling another woman that! It was kind of neat. I guess that is part of the letting go of old ideas.

My son is coming over later on today and is bringing me his big screen TV. I will keep it while he is gone. First to Texas, and then to Iraq. When he was in the Army (he is now in the National Guard) he was at the fort in central Texas for many years and he didn't really enjoy it. He said he is looking forward to going to Iraq, but dreading another 6 months at that fort. (Once again, I am deliberately writing things so that my blog doesn't come up when someone searches "fort whatever".) Staying in the moment is absolutely essential as I am dealing with this. Left to my own devices, I would be planning all kinds of horrible outcomes, but I cannot do that. Today is a day when he will be here for dinner with me and I will get to enjoy his company. I adore him. He is my only son and he is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, handsome, tall, strong, funny, child-like in a good way, and manly in a good way. I will miss him terribly while he is gone. Thank God for computers and the internet.

I see you!

Your newly red-headed friend Mary Christine sees you! Thanks JJ!
See more photos of my day here

Saturday March Eleventh

It's 7:30 a.m. I just woke up. My morning reading was about joy and laughter. My coffee is delicious. It is delicious to sit here and enjoy it without having to be anywhere. I usually go to a meeting at 6:30 or 7:30 on Saturday morning, but today I just stayed in bed.

I was going to run this morning, but I see it is only 17 degrees. I think anything below 20 is really too cold for me. I may do it anyway. At noon I have a hair appointment. I took an informal poll yesterday about going red. It was almost unanimous - do it! I'll see if I have the guts to do it once I am sitting in my hair stylist's chair with the plastic cape around my shoulders.

"As we work the first nine steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach Step Ten we commence to put our AA way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?" Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 88.

Grief

Now, that's a happy topic, eh?

I went to a meeting of my home group tonight. It was an outstanding wonderful and heart warming meeting. And I cried through it. I tried to remember the last time I cried through a meeting and frankly I think the answer may be "never".

Last week I was griping about the yuppies at this group. Tonight I loved them. A young guy with almost 6 months read the promises. He is a guy with a name like "Chipper" I am not going to say his name because it is so unusual it might identify him. He had on a pastel colored Izod shirt with the collar turned up and his sunglasses propped on his blonde head(everything old is new again). He read the promises with such earnestness, I felt like I was hearing them for the first time. Another lady was celebrating 60 days. God, I remember those days. The good and bad old days.

When I started talking about how much I miss my sponsor, I broke down and cried. I NEVER do that! I just cried. But I was able to say that by the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I may be sad that my sponsor moved away, but I do not want to drink. I am not considering suicide. I am not acting in such a way that would get me admitted to an inpatient psychiatric unit. I KNOW, deep in my heart, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that it will be just fine. I will be just fine. No matter what happens. No matter how sad I am. No matter if I sit in a meeting with tears and snot dripping down my face.

When you start to really feel things, there is grief, and there is pain. But there is also incredible joy and love. I think there is more joy than there is pain.

I am so grateful to be sober. I am so grateful to have had this wonderful sober woman (my sponsor) in my life. I am also grateful that she isn't so far away that I can't start planning a trip to go see her.

On Awakening

Let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans of the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. (Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" page 86)

I feel a little creepy about posting some skin this morning when I see that yesterday someone found my blog by searching "fuck mary" YIKES. If it is you, dear reader, no need to worry, I do not know who you are. But that is what I get for putting one of those words in my blog.

Where'd my blog go?

All day long my blog was gone. In the morning I just didn't have time to even think about it. But by the time I got home from work, I really felt like I needed to blog. Weird that something so new can feel like a NEED!

I had a fairly eventful day at work and I really wanted to talk to someone after it was over. I couldn't get hold of my sponsor, and everyone else I called wasn't around. So I went to the grocery store and purchased a T-bone steak and that is what I am going to have for dinner. Anyone who doesn't have an eating problem will not understand what eating a steak has to do with having a trying day, but I do.

What makes me so sad is that this day was actually one for the "win" column. But no one cares. I have no one to "high five" me. And the leadership at my organization is so dysfunctional, I just got on their nerves as I was trying to accomplish something huge today. And I "got 'er done!"

It's OK. I am OK. Every now and then God sees that I have no one 'with skin on' to talk to. I do believe it is a God thing. But then again, what isn't?

It is snowing outside. I am tired. It is a good night to have a steak with mushrooms, baked potato, and a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

Meta-Blog

Here is my blog post about my blog. I got my links done. If I forgot someone, I am hoping that my "blogs that link here" thing will prompt me to remember. I don't even think I like the way this thing looks, and I really debated about fixing this one - or turning it black again and fixing that one. Scintillating, isn't it?

Speaking of colors: I am considering dying my blonde hair red on Saturday when I have my overdue hair appointment. I am sick of looking like a realtor (not that I have anything against realtors). I am wanting to "act out", and I know it. Today, I wore a dark green suit with a pink shell and FLIP FLOPS. And my glow in the dark toenails. I had a "real" pair of shoes to change into if I needed, but I really enjoyed the shit out of walking around in a suit and flip flops.

I need a vacation. I am taking the week of March 20th off work. I will be in my icon painting class - all day long for 6 days. I cannot wait. Hopefully I won't do anything too destructive in the meantime.

Last night I had a very exciting (if you know what I mean, ahem) dream about my former boyfriend. I thought about him all day today. I really miss him and wish he wasn't drunk. He was sober 2 years when we started dating. And sober for 3 years when he started drinking again. I hung in there with him for a year thinking he would get sober again, but he still isn't sober. God Bless Him. I pray for him every day.

How is this for one non-sequitur after another???

Oh #@%$

Taking a page from AAwoken, I decided I needed to lighten up my blog. When I changed the template, there was a little thing that told me I would lose all my formatting. Well, I like to live dangerously occassionally, so I clicked OK. All my links are gone. All my stuff. It is all gone. Crapola. What to do? Keep this garden looking thing? Go back to my black minimal thing? Yikes.

Be careful what you wish for...

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go out for dinner on Sunday afternoons instead of cooking for my son. He comes over almost every Sunday afternoon and I make something yummy for lunch. Sometimes the other kids come. Sometimes it is just me and my son.

Yesterday I told him I want him to take me out for lunch this week. So now it is 11:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, I should be making lunch and instead I am waiting for Kenny to come over and take me out for lunch. I think I much prefer the cooking and the fun involved in that... I really really love to cook.

It is a beautiful day. I got up at 5:00, hurried up and headed out for the pool and swam 1 kilomter. I had the pool to myself for most of the time. I took pictures of the sunrise and (may post them) DID POST THEM on my photo blog.

I am really boring. A friend just called and we talked for a while. She is not boring. She has a lot of chaos in her life, but she is sober and I am glad to be her friend. And it makes me grateful to be boring today.

Bike Ride

I took a beautiful but scary (soooo windy!) bike ride. I took pictures and decided to copy-cat JJ (again) and make a blog just for photos. Have a look at them and let me know what you think.

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday morning. I love Saturday morning. The weekend stretches before me - full of endless possibilities. I am so grateful that today I have my peace and happiness back. This morning I woke up thinking about my blogging friends, and that made me smile. I hope to take a bike ride a little bit later, after it warms up a bit, and I will take my camera. If I get any nice pictures, I will post them.

This has been a challenging week. My sponsor moved away. My stomach drops about four inches just writing that sentence. I talked with her last night. When I called, she was just going into a meeting place. As we talked, she told me about where she was standing and how beautiful it is. She said they are enjoying themselves immensely. I am so happy that this is working out for her. I will have to plan a trip to see her soon. Springtime in the Rocky Mountains really is wonderful.

My daughter is using crystal meth. She once told me that if the pope started using crystal meth, within a week he would be wacking little old ladies over their heads and grabbing their purses. That stuff destroys people. Soul killing. Here are the things I tell myself - God doesn't have grandkids - she is his kid just as much as I am and he doesn't need me to act as intermediary. Where there is life there is hope. There is always hope for her as long as she draws breath. She has had periods of cleantime and sobriety and knows in her heart that those times are better.

And then there is the fact that her father is involved in her life. He has the time and the means to help her much more than I can. It is also his nature to get in people's faces and tell them what to do, which I find very very distasteful.

The bottom line for me is She is An Adult. I cannot spend my life whirling in the orbit of her chaos. I refuse to do that.

I have a good life. I have been sober, by the Grace of God, since July 24, 1984. I live in a peaceful, quiet, pretty home. I work very hard, but I love my job and I find it very satisfying. I am in relatively good health and I am blessed with a love of the outdoors and physical exercise. I am grounded in AA. I have many groups I feel at home in. I have many people I have known and who have known me for years and that means so much to me.

An old friend used to call them "good habits of sobriety". When you develop those, as life happens and it deals you whatever it deals you, you won't be rocked off your foundation. It will be strong. You will be OK, and you will know in your heart and soul that you will be OK - no matter what. You all know what they are, they are not rocket science. But here they are:
Don't Drink.
Go to meetings.
Read the big book.
Get a sponsor.
Give it away to keep it.
And I would add, get a sponsor who will take you through the steps. It should not feel like torture. It is not easy, but if it is grueling and horrible, something is wrong. Do All of the Steps. Ask God every morning to keep you sober and Thank Him at night. Really do the 10th and eleventh steps every day and that way things won't start to pile up on you.

OK, here is this from the big book (p.121) as somewhat of a disclaimer:
"We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may have seemed to lecture. If that is so we are sorry, for we ourselves, don't always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based upon experience, some of it painful."

The sun comes out again...

Thank you so much for the lovely comments yesterday. I was really feeling awful. Today I wake up and have hope in my heart again. I haven't talked to my daughter so I don't know what is going on with her, and I am deliberately trying to take care of myself - not her. But for today, it is 6:59 a.m., I just woke up minutes ago... I actually heard birds singing this morning!

Yesterday I found out that I got into the Icon Painting class. I am so excited about this. I put in my leave request for an entire week off work to go to this class. I'll have a lot of work to do at work to get ready to take a week off, but I can't wait to go to this class.

I went to a meeting last night. It was sad to realize that my sponsor wouldn't be there (since she moved on Saturday). It was a really good meeting which was nice because I have been thinking about changing home groups again. I got sober in a rougher part of town and I got used to bikers and truckers and cowboys and strippers and prostitutes. Here we have a bunch of people in suits and "business casual" and I am the only one who says "fuck", etc. in the meeting. I don't mind the difference in socio-economic group, but I don't like the prissiness of the new group. My sponsor used to call some of the women in the group "the platinum ovary" girls. Meaning they got sober and suddenly were pure and saintly.

Okay. I have done my reading and meditation, and now my blogging, and I need to get in gear and get bathed, groomed, dressed, and out of here! It is going to be a good day.

I feel like I am a hundred years old...

Yesterday my daughters celebrated their 27th birthday. Or should I say, one of them celebrated and it would be a matter of your perspective as to which one. One of my twin daughters is a college graduate with a good job (in the same building as me, which is wonderful), the other has decided to go back to her old ways with crystal meth. This is my worst nightmare.

The whole family has been through this before with her. She had been clean for about 6 years. Now she isn't.

This morning I am old and I am tired.

Update: I just got an e-mail from my friend who said this "She is a good person, she will get sane again. That is not a platitude, its just that what ever is bedevilling her, she always overcomes it in the end." Somehow, since this friend has known me and my kids for over 21 years, it really means something to me.