Thursday, March 09, 2006

Grief

Now, that's a happy topic, eh?

I went to a meeting of my home group tonight. It was an outstanding wonderful and heart warming meeting. And I cried through it. I tried to remember the last time I cried through a meeting and frankly I think the answer may be "never".

Last week I was griping about the yuppies at this group. Tonight I loved them. A young guy with almost 6 months read the promises. He is a guy with a name like "Chipper" I am not going to say his name because it is so unusual it might identify him. He had on a pastel colored Izod shirt with the collar turned up and his sunglasses propped on his blonde head(everything old is new again). He read the promises with such earnestness, I felt like I was hearing them for the first time. Another lady was celebrating 60 days. God, I remember those days. The good and bad old days.

When I started talking about how much I miss my sponsor, I broke down and cried. I NEVER do that! I just cried. But I was able to say that by the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I may be sad that my sponsor moved away, but I do not want to drink. I am not considering suicide. I am not acting in such a way that would get me admitted to an inpatient psychiatric unit. I KNOW, deep in my heart, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that it will be just fine. I will be just fine. No matter what happens. No matter how sad I am. No matter if I sit in a meeting with tears and snot dripping down my face.

When you start to really feel things, there is grief, and there is pain. But there is also incredible joy and love. I think there is more joy than there is pain.

I am so grateful to be sober. I am so grateful to have had this wonderful sober woman (my sponsor) in my life. I am also grateful that she isn't so far away that I can't start planning a trip to go see her.

9 comments:

Santa said...

I probably should check your blog everyday, somehow I get too wrapped up in the other things that are going on around me. I do read everything I have missed though when I do read them. Somehow it gets me back to where I need to be. GRATEFUL. I am going to enjoy your photo blog as well.
I enjoyed your line about those platinum ovary girls. I like what you had to say about grief it is all part of the process.

Mary Christine said...

Thanks Tim. I could cry right now to think about you and how much a part of my early sobriety you were. You taught me so much. Between the capital letters and the periods. The black on the white. I still sponsor people that way. FAEA.

Trudging said...

Very, very cool story

dAAve said...

Don't forget about HER happiness and that she is where SHE is supposed to be also. I'm sure she misses you, but a new chapter has opened up for her too.
One door closes, another opens.

Have a GREAT weekend!

Rex said...

Feelings feelings is a powerful thing. Something totally new and foriegn to me, as i never did until I got sober....sometimes they are kinda nice.

Alexis said...

Once I let the pain out (and cry) it doesn't weigh on me so heavily and hurt so much. I hope the same is true for you.... have a great weekend! are you looking for a new sponsor yet?

Sober Chick said...

First, have to say that seeing Santa put a big ole smile on my face.

Second, that is great that you have allowed yourself to get connected emotionally and spiritually with another human being. Many will avoid this to eliminate those balance -- the Good + the Bad = a Balance.

psychbaby said...

How totally cleansing that must have been MC. Good for you. Snot and all!

;)

Scott W said...

I often get teary-eyed in meetings. So much love flows in the rooms of AA, and I am vulnerable to it (thank God!) When those feelings rise I know my heart is expanding and being stretched so it can hold more. Thanks for sharing from the heart.