Saturday, March 04, 2006

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday morning. I love Saturday morning. The weekend stretches before me - full of endless possibilities. I am so grateful that today I have my peace and happiness back. This morning I woke up thinking about my blogging friends, and that made me smile. I hope to take a bike ride a little bit later, after it warms up a bit, and I will take my camera. If I get any nice pictures, I will post them.

This has been a challenging week. My sponsor moved away. My stomach drops about four inches just writing that sentence. I talked with her last night. When I called, she was just going into a meeting place. As we talked, she told me about where she was standing and how beautiful it is. She said they are enjoying themselves immensely. I am so happy that this is working out for her. I will have to plan a trip to see her soon. Springtime in the Rocky Mountains really is wonderful.

My daughter is using crystal meth. She once told me that if the pope started using crystal meth, within a week he would be wacking little old ladies over their heads and grabbing their purses. That stuff destroys people. Soul killing. Here are the things I tell myself - God doesn't have grandkids - she is his kid just as much as I am and he doesn't need me to act as intermediary. Where there is life there is hope. There is always hope for her as long as she draws breath. She has had periods of cleantime and sobriety and knows in her heart that those times are better.

And then there is the fact that her father is involved in her life. He has the time and the means to help her much more than I can. It is also his nature to get in people's faces and tell them what to do, which I find very very distasteful.

The bottom line for me is She is An Adult. I cannot spend my life whirling in the orbit of her chaos. I refuse to do that.

I have a good life. I have been sober, by the Grace of God, since July 24, 1984. I live in a peaceful, quiet, pretty home. I work very hard, but I love my job and I find it very satisfying. I am in relatively good health and I am blessed with a love of the outdoors and physical exercise. I am grounded in AA. I have many groups I feel at home in. I have many people I have known and who have known me for years and that means so much to me.

An old friend used to call them "good habits of sobriety". When you develop those, as life happens and it deals you whatever it deals you, you won't be rocked off your foundation. It will be strong. You will be OK, and you will know in your heart and soul that you will be OK - no matter what. You all know what they are, they are not rocket science. But here they are:
Don't Drink.
Go to meetings.
Read the big book.
Get a sponsor.
Give it away to keep it.
And I would add, get a sponsor who will take you through the steps. It should not feel like torture. It is not easy, but if it is grueling and horrible, something is wrong. Do All of the Steps. Ask God every morning to keep you sober and Thank Him at night. Really do the 10th and eleventh steps every day and that way things won't start to pile up on you.

OK, here is this from the big book (p.121) as somewhat of a disclaimer:
"We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may have seemed to lecture. If that is so we are sorry, for we ourselves, don't always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based upon experience, some of it painful."


psychbaby said...

You made me think this morning Mary Christine. Good stuff.

I guess that's why I visit you!


My heart aches for my 3 teenage girls now. I can only imagine how you have been feeling regarding your daughter. I keep telling myself to remember when I was that age but it still doesn't help. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I see you,
PS: Yes, yes, yes, take your camera. I take mine just about everywhere. I can't wait to see the pictures.

Rex said...

You have made me think as well. I too have had you and your family in my prayers. I struggle with letting go and letting God. They are adults and ultimately all we can do is be here for them when they crash....but that doesn't make it easy or painless.

dAAve said...

Some fine thoughts.
A couple of us here are witnessing an AA friend have a meltdown. It's hard to talk about or write about because I don't want to be seen as "taking his inventory." I think I have some good (but painful) advice for him.

That's a very difficult concept for me as I am still early in sobriety. I know he must go through what he's going through. I want to help him, but feel so damn powerless.

Tracie said...

Whirling in the orbit of her chaos. That is so powerful, Mary Christine. Thank you for sharing with the rest of us. You are amazing.

Christine said...

I know you have lots of years in AA Recovery but have you considered dual membership to get tools to deal/cope with your daughter's using? Alanon has worked for me, it is for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts.