Saturday, March 31, 2007

I feel awful

I don't know whether it is physical, mental, or spiritual. Likely all three. Physically, I have not been able to sleep for four nights now, I also have a sore throat and feel crappy, but who wouldn't on no sleep? That makes me crazy. Mentally - depression causes insomnia - so which comes first? Spiritually, I spoke for 30 minutes yesterday at a meeting and someone close to me told me last night that I didn't not mention "God" once. I nearly died when I heard that, at first I denied it, but then I realized he was telling me the truth... and it is both concerning and out of character.

Having my daughter here is both wonderful and awful. I have lived alone for a very long time. Today we hung out a bit, it was nice. I drove her to an NA meeting and picked her up. Then we washed the car, went to the grocery store to buy stuff for the food bank, and hung out here for a bit before I went to church. She is off to another NA meeting (Thank you God!) tonight. She is clean 11 days and sober 5 days.

After the meeting this morning, one of my friends cornered me and asked me, in the meaningful way, not the polite way - "how ARE you?" I told him "not good." And bless his heart, he put his arms around me, told me he loved me and told me to call him if I wanted. Of course, I have not called him.

Anyway, this is probably temporary. I pray I will get some sleep tonight. But before you start worrying too much about me (as if!) I am still doing what I am supposed to do. Went to a meeting this morning, then for a 6 mile run, spent time with both of my daughters, went to church, ate a good dinner... and now I will prepare to get to bed. Although I feel like crap, I am not laying in bed under the covers. Just thought you should know...

"I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 231

9 comments:

Redhead Gal said...

I'm so happy for you and your daughter on her sobriety. And I am praying for you, MC.

Pam said...

I'm pulling for the baby girl....AND YOU..just ride it out.

Syd said...

Wishing the best for you and your daughter. Hoping for rest for your mind and body.

Scott W said...

One of our tags: This Too Shall Pass. All that is asked of us is to do our best and it sounds like that is your case.

Would a gratitude list help>

Christine said...

Sounds to me like you are living with "active" now. It can be very draining spiritually, in all ways.

When is the last Alanon meeting you attended?

Praying for you both.

lushgurl said...

Hmmm,, maybe it is the effects of just BEING around your daughter?
I love and adore Angel...that being said though, I always feel 'out of sorts' after she leaves, I'm a little down, tired etc. I think maybe I take her stuff on and it throws me off!
You are still wonderful...love ya lots....[[[[HUGS]]]]]

dAAve said...

One of the greatest things I've heard since I got sober was from someone with many years, like yourself. They said that long-term sobriety has taught them nothing , if not that This Too Shall Pass.

Rex said...

You will be in my prayers. Sleep is the number one most important thing in my life.

Shannon said...

Hey Mary Christine... I am in the same space... YUK. I am putting my arms around you too. I just sooo appreciate your honesty- You have no idea.

I pray that you can get some sleep and rest.

as for you speaking, remember this, you said exactly what you were supposed to. Here is what I think, the reason you didnt mention God, is because someone was in that room, could not, and would not be able to hear about God, they arent there yet, and you spoke to them. God knows you love him and credit him. He also wanted to use you in ths way. Remember nothing absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake!

I hace noticed when people talk to me after I share sometimes what they have to share with me has more to do with them than me. but funny, it still effect me.. LOL I should listen to myself here.

I am so glad to hear about your daughter being clean and sober! I really hope and pray she gets this miracle.