Thursday, November 10, 2011
Evening at the ER
Doc called me and told me to get myself to the ER for a CT scan to see if I had a pulmonary embolism. I was pretty calm, I guess so much that my doc (who is a very sweet man) felt the need to let me know this is something that can cause sudden death. Well, I knew that.
I did have a CT scan with contrast ( I do not like that contrast stuff!) and waited for the results.
The good news is: I have a perfectly normal chest - heart and lungs, and no broken ribs. The bad news is: I still am in pain.
I was prescribed pain meds and I took them when I got home.
Here's the other thing: People from work offered to drive me to the hospital, and I refused. I would have called one of my daughters, but she is out of town doing an investigation. The other daughter, the one who is my dear sober daughter - I thought I would like to call her, but knew she would go off the deep end and I couldn't deal with that right then. I thought of calling my boyfriend, but felt sheepish about calling him for such a "significant other" event. I called one of my dear friends who is a nurse but she did not answer, and I did not leave a message. I called my sponsor who lives 300 miles away. She offered to get in her car and drive 6 hours to be with me. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. She suggested some people from the AA group and I said "no, no, no." I felt so alone.
When I got home, my b.f. called and I told him what happened. He sounded so hurt when he asked me "why didn't you call me?" And then in the saddest voice I have ever heard, he said "I really wish you had called." I told him I would in the future. And that I was glad he wanted me to call, but I felt weird about it. He made me promise not to go to work today. And imagine this... I am not at work today. I do have to go in this afternoon for a meeting I am chairing.
My sober daughter called and when I told her what happened, she wailed. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? I told her "because you would have freaked out, just like you are doing right now." And then, because she is sober and truly has a program... she told me a long story. Her husband just withheld some information from her for the same reason. She thought that was utter B.S., but prayed that God would give her some insight. When I told her essentially the same thing her husband had said, she said "Wow, it really is me. I need to work on this." And I thought... why don't I sponsor anyone like this?
Anyway, I can see something I need to work on. And I hate that.
But the truth is the truth. And it shall set me free?
I thank God I have another day to be sober, to love the people in my life, and to ask God to help me to be more open to being vulnerable. (yuk)
And don't any of you yell at me, OK?