Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I had a dream


Last night I had a dream that is lingering in my consciousness.  I wondered why I would dream such a thing.  But as I read blogs this morning, I think I have an idea.

I dreamed my boyfriend and I were on our way to Maine - driving.  For some reason (I think because I needed to use the bathroom), we stopped at my sister's house in eastern Long Island.  Imagine making at pit stop in eastern New York on your way from Colorado to Maine!  Oh, the dreams we have!

Anyway, the doors were unlocked and I went in and used the toilet.  When I was done, I saw there were many people in the house.  My sister showed up and was furious with me for breaking into her house and having a party there.  Well, I had only come with my uber respectable boyfriend... but there were suddenly all these people - including Newt Gingrich reclining on a couch.  And suddenly my boyfriend wasn't an uber respectable business man, but a 40 something pony-tail wearing man in dirty jeans - the pony tail had hair ties all the way down his back in two inch increments.  I was so ashamed, and trying with all my might to herd all these people out of my sister's house.  I apologized, but it didn't matter.

No matter how long I stay sober, I will always identify with the person whose attempt to live like they they think they see other people live somehow backfires and wreaks havoc.  Somehow they have caused heartache to all those who love them.  That was never my intention.  I never knew an alcoholic or addict who intended to hurt those who loved them.  Our intentions were good, but washed away without a memory as soon as we did what we HAD to do.  "Then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen:  Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair."  (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 151)

This morning I get to remind myself that by the Grace of God, I have not been hurtful and wreaking havoc in the lives of those I love.  It has been a long time since I have.  But I still have that person inside of me - just waiting for the opportune moment to return.  I have to maintain vigilance so she will not emerge.

And like a drunk dream, this dream was a good reminder of where I do not want to go.  (and I don't mean Long Island  - I mean the land where everyone is mad at me and I am baffled as to why.)  And for that, and a million other reasons, I am grateful.

12 comments:

Lou said...

OK, you made me smile. Thanks.

I know this scenario (from the other side)--"try as they might to live like other people, they wreak havoc. Then they are baffled."

That is the complete freakin' truth.

Annette said...

That sounds like one of those dreams you wake up from with a start and you are SO relieved it was only a dream...glad you are awake and back to your present, wonderful by the grace of God, life. :o)

Syd said...

I have dreams of being in a house or a large hotel, toilets overflowing, and dead relatives sitting around. I am searching for one of the alcoholics, only to find them drinking. We all have our horrors but I am glad that I don't have to relive that dream in reality today. And I am glad that you don't have to either. We are both incredibly blessed.

Jeremy said...

I am always full of good intentions, it's when I turn those into actions that I feel more a part of this universe.

Sobriety lets me bridge that gap thank God.

dAAve said...

Great dream. LOL
Newt Gingrich on the couch! LOL

Glad you shared that one.

Pammie said...

I'm still baffled alot ;)
Loved this post.

Mary LA said...

Love the Mad Hatter's tea party!

Mary Christine, so few understand that compulsion -- we did what we HAD to do. What is sometimes called the 'lash' of alcoholism.

nj drug rehab said...

Glad to hear some new changes from you. Just keep it straight.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

:) I dreamed of a drowning man.

Sometimes I realize how my dreams show me a bit about fearful reality instead of fearless truth.

I love your posts and I hope you have a wonderful day!

painless traffic said...

great post...
good intention executes good results

Commission Streamer said...

awaking after a nice dream., always gives a great feeling
anyways, nice post

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