Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New Stuff

I made a date nut bread to take to work yesterday.  It was good.

At lunch, I started going to the drive-through, but changed my mind and ate inside

When I got home, my new phone was on my front porch!

Yesterday I returned a pair of shoes that I decided were just too high for me.  Four inch heels are something of my past and not my future.  I do not know what possessed me to buy them in the first place.  I consider this huge progress for me.  I will usually hang on to something like that for a "special occasion," some circumstance where I feel it will be appropriate to be unable to walk.  

The store was in an area where I used to work.  I decided to go to one of my old favorite restaurants.  I remember 25 years ago when "Japanese fast food" was a novelty - I loved this restaurant.  I used to go every Thursday for lunch.  I started to go to the drive-through for take-out, but decided I would really enjoy sitting at the counter and eating in peace (as opposed to eating in my office as I do most days).  I don't believe I have eaten there alone for at least 20 years, so it was good to sit and remember so many good times in that place.  It was where I taught my children to use chop sticks, etc.

When I got home from work, my new iPhone was on my porch.  I spent the evening setting it up.  It is very cool.  I don't know why I am so infatuated with these electronic gadgets, but I am. 

A few months ago, I subscribed to  Every month, I get a new book to listen to.  I am currently listening to "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen.  I am enjoying it.  I have been contemplating how screwed up these people are.  Not alcoholic, not addicted, just people who have made bad decisions and are living with the lifelong consequences of these.  (that's probably not really what the book is about, but it is what I am hearing.)

I have lately become convinced that my life has not gone where I wanted it to because my financial situation is not what I thought it would be at the age of 60.  I have horrendous student loan debt - yes, at 60.  I have credit card debt.  I have taken cuts in pay 3 years running, and have just heard I will have another in July.  It is difficult not to dip into "fear of economic insecurity."  (please don't remind me of the "promises," I have been sober for over 27 years, I am familiar.)

Some perspective will tell me:  I have been sober for nearly half of my life.  I have made good decisions and bad decisions in that time. I get to reap the rewards of both.  I went to college and got a masters degree when I was in my 40s.  I went to a really good school that was very very expensive.... thinking I would make very very good money once I graduated.  I still persisted in believing that very very good money was right around the corner until a few years ago - and made decisions based on that projection.  

But I have been sober.  I have a sober history.  I have memories of chop sticks and children in Japanese restaurants.  I have good relationships with all three of my children and all three of my grandchildren.  I have good relationships with my siblings.  I even have good relationships with my nieces and nephews.  I am a member of my community.  I am a person with a long history at my workplace and many relationships there - mostly good.  I am a member of a church, and I actually have relationships with people there.  

I have some financial wreckage (and I do need to change my ways and take care of this), but I don't have the kind of wreckage that would really wreck me.  

I will never forget the new woman at a meeting several years ago.  Her son had just come home from Iraq.  She "celebrated" with a lot of booze.  So much so that when she woke up the next morning, neither her son or her husband were speaking to her.  To me, that was the saddest story I ever heard in a meeting, and I have heard a lot of them.  It gave me perspective on what a great gift sobriety is.  

After this many years, sobriety can get to feel pretty "normal," and I think that is a huge danger.  It is never normal for an alcoholic to not drink.  I am grateful that I am dealing with some problems, but they are sober kinds of problems.  I am not dealing with trying to find out what I did in a blackout last night.  Phew.  The thought of that still makes my stomach flip.  

I have to start blogging at night because this is taking too much time in the morning.  I didn't workout on Monday or Tuesday because blogging took too long.  Today I will blog, workout, and get to work on time - I swear to you, I will!

By the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am sober today.  And that, my friends, is a miracle.  


Lou said...

Don't forget your stellar relationships in blog-o-world.

Furtheron said...

Hmm - the celebration one... oh how I remember that, normally though I was deliberately over the top in an effort to return my life to the hole I thought it should be in.

I listen to the promises at many meetings with the constant thought of... "progress not perfection" as like you the fear of these things, the intuitive actions don't always come so easily

dAAve said...

Let's not bury our faces in the sand. Financial concern is near the top of the list for most people -- alcoholic or not. But it doesn't have to rule us.

Have a great day, Mary!

Syd said...

I cannot seem to get a time to blog consistently. Glad That you are content with life. I have all that I need.

atomic momma said...

It's a difficult time for many financially. We have a time in our country where it has taken too much debt to keep going - costs have gone up in all areas while our wages have remained stagnant or cut. Keep this in mind. Americans are making less today.

Just found your blog. Really like it.

Pammie said...

Oh how I get the sadness of the mothers story.
I like it when you remind me that it is not normal for an alcoholic not to drink.