Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I was talking with someone about my ex-husband yesterday. Something came out of my mouth that kind of surprised me. I told her that I had spent so many years paying attention to my own side of the street, trying not to be bitter, or blame others, that I think I became delusional about the true nature of that marriage and the person I was married to. I had convinced myself that we were divorced only because I made a foolish mistake - getting divorced - in my early sobriety.
Now that he is raising two of my grandchildren, I have to interact with him if I want to see them. It is so unpleasant that I see them less and less. He is an old bitter man. But I remember he was a young angry man - behind a jovial smile and joke that fooled most into thinking he was a "great guy." He is still hiding behind the "great guy," but does some of the most vile things to my daughter.
Funny, when he did the same things to me, I took responsibility for myself and looked at "my own side of the street." But when I see him do those things to my daughter, I see them for what they are. Cruel and cold-hearted. Lashing back at her and hurting her in the worst possible ways - like bad-mouthing her to her daughters. The girls are so confused about their mother. When she confronted him about that, he simply said "I am not going to lie to them."
When my daughter told me that, I thought about how I have "lied" about him all these years. To my kids and to myself. I always tried to paint him in the best possible light - because I felt my children deserved to have TWO parents. Unfortunately, he did not return the favor. Two out of three of my children still see him as the "great guy," and I am the "alcoholic" even though I haven't had a drink for a long damn time and he still drinks every day.
It's weird to realize how much working the program has influenced how I have behaved with my family. I am not saying it was wrong, but perhaps a bit misguided. And delusional frankly.
I know who I am. And I know who my daughter is. And other people can chose to see that or not. I have no control over that.
God is large and in charge and I know that all is well - even if it doesn't seem so.