Friday, December 02, 2011
This morning I went to the gym for a spin class. I haven't been to one of those in maybe a couple of years. I was happy to see that I could keep up with the class. Spinning is hard! My goal is to have a pool of sweat under my bike by the end of the hour like the lady in front of me. I am not there yet.
I have lately been semi-tortured by a memory from June 1968. It was really the beginning of me finding that I had no idea what was going to happen to me once I took a drink. That day many things happened to me - it was horrifying. As a 16 year old, I was so ashamed. Honestly, I would say that I have never given this day another thought for all these years. Until the last couple of weeks. And now I wake up thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it. I think about it on the treadmill and on the bike.
The funny thing is: as a nearly 60 year old woman, I look back at that 16 year old with a greater deal of compassion than I ever had before. Where there was shame, there now is sadness for that girl - and a bit of anger for people who would victimize her. I guess age can bring detachment from our own younger selves.
Alcoholism is a very degrading disease. It truly decimates a person.
"But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lies touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends adn employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 18
But by the Grace of God, we get to live a decent life with our heads held upright. No longer victims. God's children.