Friday, December 02, 2011

Spinning

I didn't get around to taking any snow pictures yesterday.  So, this is an old photo.  And since I stopped posting on this blog a year ago yesterday, I really cut down on the photos one year ago yesterday.  It is amazing to see how my photos change from December 1 2010 to June 1 2011.

This morning I went to the gym for a spin class.  I haven't been to one of those in maybe a couple of years.  I was happy to see that I could keep up with the class.  Spinning is hard!  My goal is to have a pool of sweat under my bike by the end of the hour like the lady in front of me.  I am not there yet.

I have lately been semi-tortured by a memory from June 1968.  It was really the beginning of me finding that I had no idea what was going to happen to me once I took a drink.  That day many things happened to me - it was horrifying.  As a 16 year old, I was so ashamed.  Honestly, I would say that I have never given this day another thought for all these years.  Until the last couple of weeks.  And now I wake up thinking about it.  I go to sleep thinking about it. I think about it on the treadmill and on the bike.

The funny thing is:  as a nearly 60 year old woman, I look back at that 16 year old with a greater deal of compassion than I ever had before.  Where there was shame, there now is sadness for that girl - and a bit of anger for people who would victimize her.  I guess age can bring detachment from our own younger selves.

Alcoholism is a very degrading disease.  It truly decimates a person.

"But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life.  It engulfs all whose lies touch the sufferer's.  It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends adn employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list."  -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 18

But by the Grace of God, we get to live a decent life with our heads held upright.  No longer victims.  God's children.


11 comments:

dAAve said...

I'm just thinking about when we say that all my experiences (the good and the bad) are what brought me to this point right now.
And for that, I'm grateful.

Have a nice, warm weekend!

Syd said...

There are many moments that I would like to redo. I cannot. I am glad to be where I am today. Every experience has shaped my life and been woven into the tapestry of who I am. Keep spinning, MC.

Annette said...

Well MC I have to say this post brings a big rock to the pit of my stomach. I know so many of those 16 year old girls.

Its a beautiful post, we are all God's children, and I am so so so happy that you are thinking about and working through and coming to the conclusions that you are. Bless your heart...the little 16 year old's heart, and your "almost 60 year old" heart.

Pammie said...

I have the same sad feeling for the young 21 year old woman that I once was. I feel so much compassion for her/me and for so long I was just ashamed of her.
I wonder too if it is age? It's an odd feeling isn't it???

Mary LA said...

There are memories that make me shiver too, Mary Christine. And feel compassion too -- I wish I could reach out to the girl I once was and reassure her. It is a horrible illness.

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Like many others, there are moments (well, a year or eight) I'd like never to acknowledge in my history, but, There we go--who we were is not who we are today. We have been given a chance to make up for some of the worst events and to relive and remake some memories--so fortunate to be sober day after day.

Mary Christine said...

Thanks Pammie, Annette, and Mary - for "getting" what I was saying.

ScottF said...

Recovery is such a miracle, and we're reminded of that when we reflect back on our former, almost unrecognizable lives...

They say that if we cannot remember our last drunk we haven't had it yet. There is some value in those memories, unpleasant htough they may be.

Kathryn said...

Christine.... you are such an inspiration to me. I read your blogs and look at your beautiful photographs every day. I am still trying to get to that place where you are and I think that maybe one day I can be there. In the meantime - I continue to be impressed with your classy approach to life! Thanks for setting such a great example.

Cross Channel Mojo said...

Great post,
Hope you have many more left .

Commission Inferno said...

Another Gift of nature