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| Viewing the present through the past |
And as I sat there, I thought about the e-mail from my ex-husband I had seen on my phone while I was walking to the rally. I have stayed in touch with him over these last almost 20 years since our divorce. I think it made sense to me at one point, but maybe I am ready to say - hey dude, you terrorized me for years, you stole my life savings, you broke four of my bones, in three different incidents. I really have no interest in chatting with you or getting your latest "FWD: FWD: fwd: FWD: Forward, Fwd: FWD:" e-mail.
When we divorced, it was important to me to keep it on good terms. That is always my preference. But is there any reason to be on good terms with someone like that?
Every boyfriend I have ever had in these last twenty years has had an "issue" with this. Including the current one.
But I don't take kindly to a man who wants to tell me who I ought to keep in touch with. I learned that was a bad sign many years ago, and I won't go down that road again.
Now my own soul tells me I am having an "issue" with this.
I hope I can get used to discussions about these things that still seem to be able to turn me into a bowl of jello, a weeping bowl of jello. And yes, I have written inventory on this over the years.
I am grateful tonight that by the Grace of God I stayed sober through those years. And that I am sober now. And that I live in a nice little house that is mine. And have a nice little bed with clean, crisp, white cotton sheets where I will lay my head tonight - without worrying about where my purse is or how much cash is in it.
Thank you God.
6 comments:
I think that you don't need anyone to tell you who to stay in touch with. It is entirely your business. JMO.
{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}
I think getting weepy over certain memories serves a purpose. Not just remembrance of old pain, but a way of acknowledging how the past has shaped us, make us more resilient and aware and empathetic.
It's just astounding to me today how God shaped me for the better by fire. I realize now that my nature was such, that God knew there were only a very few and specific ways to get my attention.
Mary Christine, I will never really get over what happens to so many women, the violence and trauma of it. I have healed a little from what happened to me but the wounds and scars are there. What helps me heal is to know that more violent men are being stopped, that more rapists are put in prison.
I'm sure your ex took the easy way out and just minimised what he did, used your apparent forgiveness or staying in touch to excuse his behaviour. But you did what felt right for you.
Last week a friend of mine was raped in the foyer of the building where she works in the city. When she came into work two days later, there were still stains from her blood on the floor and clumps of her hair near the lift doors. She cleaned them up herself.
People often don't know that sexual violence means violence, especially in marriage. Broken arms and legs, hair torn out in handfuls.
Because I live in a country that is both First World and Third World, we get the best and worst of both situations. The violence, the active struggle to transform society, heightened awareness of gender rights, unlearning racism work, extreme poverty, extreme courage and tenacity in working for change. None of it is easy.
I find that sometimes when I still have deep emotions about something that happened in my life it is because I am holding myself responsible for what happened.
I should have made better choices comes to mind. It is easy to say that now when time has passed and my thinking is clearer and more detached. I am not the same person today as I was 10 years ago or even last week.
I have to give myself permission to let myself off the hook knowing I did the best I could.
My Mary, maybe you just refuse to let him get the better of you. Maybe when we lock the door to someone who has hurt us.....it is still like hiding behind a locked door and we are just sick and tired of hiding behind locked doors. Maybe you are just getting to the point where it's OK to close the door now because he's more of a bothersome fly than a threat.
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