My friend Merle

Died last night. I went to the meeting this morning to see who I would see and they were all crying. What a wonderful meeting though. There was so much sadness, but what a tribute to a life well-lived. A sober life. He touched a lot of people in his many years of sobriety. I think he was sober 30 + years, but I am not absolutely certain. I do know he had a lot more time than I do.

He had just come home from a trip to the east coast with his girlfriend - another long term member of AA. He went to the bathroom at the airport and simply died there. She was at the meeting this morning and is surrounded by the fellowship. We went to breakfast and filled up an entire section of the restaurant... and sat there all morning.

I am sad but full of hope. A sober life is a good life. We touch so many people as long as we are active in AA. It is a wonderful thing. I am so grateful I got to that meeting this morning.

I decided to post this today because I just need to write about this now.

"In this Fellowship we begin to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don't have to be alone any more." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 117 (as quoted in As Bill Sees It)

Day for an Annual Tenth Step?

This is a picture from the park where I took a very slow 3 mile run yesterday. It was such a beautiful day - the sun came out and melted a little bit of snow. It was so good to see the sun again.

Today I will do some reflection on where I have been in 2006. Both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It has been a good year, although a bit challenging. I feel very grateful to be in a very different place spiritually than I was a year ago. I still have a long way to go, but with the grace and help of a loving God, I am sure I will get exactly where I am supposed to be.

I think it is probably telling that the only goal for 2007 that immediately comes to mind is that I want to run a half-marathon. This latest injury is going to have to heal before that happens. I will spend some time today considering what else I would like to strive towards.

Thank you sober bloggers. You have added immensely to my sobriety. I am grateful for each and every one of you. And now I shall head out to the 7:30 a.m. meeting across town, and see who I run into there! It is always fun.

"Must AAs spend most of their waking hours drearily rehashing their sins of omission or commission? Well, hardly. The emphasis on inventory is heavy only because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal. Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 89

Plowing out

Two plows came through my little neighborhood last night at about 8:00. We all emerged from our garages with shovels in hand, happy to shovel out the five foot bank of snow and ice from the ends of our driveways. It was a lot harder than we thought it would be. But I am so so so excited to be heading out of here to a meeting this morning.

I am going to an AA meeting!!!! I am so freaking excited!!! I will see a bunch of people I love and hear about how they have weathered the storm. I talked to a few of them on the phone yesterday, but that just doesn't take the place of a real AA meeting.

Have a happy Saturday everyone.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- AA Comes of Age, p. 46

YakTrax

This may be the best $30. I have spent in years. These things strap on the bottoms of your shoes and are like tire chains for your feet. Yesterday I was able to walk around on snow and ice - just like it was dry pavement! Thank God! I purchased them yesterday when the snow started falling and I got the last pair in the store.

This is a picture I took through my window last night. The amount of snow we have is just ridiculous. I could post picture after picture, but frankly, they get a little boring after a while. It is not supposed to stop snowing until Sunday. I don't have to work, by decree of the Governor, again today.

I am so grateful that I have a nice warm house to stay in. I was able to get enough food to get me through. I might run out of milk, but for a middle-aged woman who lives alone, that is not exactly a tragedy. I have wonderful neighbors and we really help each other. I spent 3 hours shoveling snow last night - and I am waiting for the Motrin to kick in now before I get back out there and shovel what has fallen over night. Last night when I wasn't shoveling, I was on the phone. My phone kept ringing and ringing. I love that! Well, I should clarify - I love it when it is friends and family (and former boyfriends) calling.

This is a storm unlike anything I have ever seen. And please keep in mind that I have lived in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Chicago, and the last 25 years in Colorado. Not exactly the sunbelt! I don't expect to get my car out of here for days. Thank GOD I can walk with my little YakTrax strapped to my boots! If I go completely stir crazy, I can walk around the neighborhood or to the nearby gas station (if they are open.)

"Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things -- these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstances, no heap of material possessions, could possible be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124- 125

God grant me the serenity...

to accept the snow I cannot change.
Blogger is retarded today, so I am not even going to post the picture I have for today. We are expecting 2 more snowstorms in the next 2 days here in lovely Denver. We still have streets that are virtually impassable from the last storm - including the one on which I live.

Last night I went to the grocery store to get some much needed food in my house. I got one of the last cartons of eggs, there were a couple of gallons of milk, but no half gallons, no potatoes, they had none of my brand of soda, and the whole place was mobbed. And as I write this, the reporter on the television playing in the background is telling folks to get to the grocery store to lay in supplies to get through the weekend. This could get ugly. It got real ugly before Christmas when there was no meat, no vegetables, etc. on the shelves anywhere in town. I managed to find a grocery store at 5:00 a.m. on Saturday that still had meat. Looking at empty shelves reminded me of how spoiled we are here in the good old US of A. We don't even understand not being able to get what we want when we want it.

I am heading in to work now. I am packing a bag in case I get stuck there. I really plan on beating it the hell out of there if it starts to look threatening though.

I have a party to attend tonight. My friend Robert has enough food for 60 people, and if it snows like it is supposed to, it is likely that very few will even come to his party. I feel so bad for him, because when Robert throws a party, he doesn't kid around.

"When I am feeling depressed, I repeat to myself statements such as these: 'Pain is the touchstone of progress.' ... 'Fear no evil.'... 'This, too, will pass.' ... 'This experience can be turned to benefit.' These fragments of prayer bring far more than mere comfort. They keep me on the track of right acceptance; they break up my compulsive themes of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride; and sometimes they endow me withthe courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 148

Confessions

My favorite President died yesterday. I loved him because he never aspired to be President of the United States. It was a strange fluke of history that landed him in that office, and I think his humility was something to indeed aspire to. And that is as close as I will ever get to spouting politics on this blog.

Last Wednesday, a week ago today, on December 20, while shoveling snow, I fell in my driveway. I fell directly on my butt (and as my former boyfriend said when I told him this "That is a small target"). Which is not good because it feels like I fell directly onto my tailbone. I have been assured by folks who HAVE broken their tailbone that mine is not broken - but it hurts like hell. Yesterday someone laughed at me when I said I was worried I broke my tailbone because it hurt when I ran 3 miles on Monday and 2 miles yesterday. And, for the record, I think it was the Pride of posting the picture of my puffed up bosom and three triathlon medals on December 14 that came before this Fall.

I am madly trying to get all my CEs (continuing education) for one of my professional credentials that is due for renewal on 12/31/06. Thank God for the electronic age - I can do all this online. It is just ungodly expensive and time consuming. I am also grateful that I have time to do it this week. But I wonder why on earth I wait until the last week to do most of it when I had two years to get it done.

Lately I feel like I just need to shut my mouth in meetings - I look at others with over 20 years of sobriety and they have their little rehearsed speeches - and never share anything about themselves. Maybe I should do that? I know it is wrong, but it would be nice to "look good" for a while. Wouldn't it be nice to just focus on YOU and what YOU should be doing - and fail to mention the log in my own eye? I won't do this, but I have just been thinking about it lately and since I am confessing...

This blog had its 15,000th visitor last night. It is someone from Chicago, and I don't know who they are or how they got here. I spend WAY too much time looking at my site meter. I think it is infinitely interesting.

I love you sober bloggers. I love you sober readers. Willa is a sober reader who has over 300 days now. I wish she would get a blog so that I could visit it! She makes my day every time she leaves a comment and lets me know how many days she has.

This is a wonderful program of hours and days. I thank God for each and every one of them, and every one of you!

"I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

Boxing Day

I am super happy to be heading back to the gym this morning, then back to work. I hope to have a salad for lunch. I hope to get back to some austerity. I have had it with the wretched excess that Christmas ends up being - if you socialize at all.... which, thank God, I do today.

I took the picture above at the park where I "ran" yesterday. I put the "run" in "quotes" because you can see what I was "running" on, it was hazardous! I went 10 days without running and yesterday afternoon, I just couldn't take it anymore. I went to the park and managed to log 3 very slow miles. While trying to get around someone on the trail, we both looked up and realized we knew each other! I ran into an AA friend on the trail! We talked for a minute, and when I walked away I thought about our conversation and realized he is drinking. That is so sad because he is such a neat young man. I talked to his sponsor last night and he confirmed that this wonderful young man IS drinking again. I will pray that he finds his way back to the rooms.

I had a very nice Christmas. It is wonderful to have small children around on Christmas. It is wonderful to have a church to go to on Christmas. It is wonderful to be able to hit a 6:30 a.m. meeting on Christmas Eve, and Christmas Morning - and a 5:30 p.m. meeting on Christmas Day. It is wonderful to have the phone ring so many times, because there are people who care enough to call me.

Well, I am heading out of here now to the gym... I will enjoy it now because I have to avoid that place for the first 6 weeks of the year - with all the "resolutioners". I always wish them the best and I am glad they are there, but they sure do crowd up the place and then they vanish after the middle of February.

"We did not always come closer to wisdom by reason of our virtues; our better understanding is often rooted in the pains of our former follies. Because this has been the essence of our individual experience, itis also the essence of our experience as a fellowship." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 31

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody. I am enjoying a day full of family - thank God. My daughter called yesterday and asked if she and the little one could spend the night with me. It was nice to hide the presents and see the lights of the Christmas tree reflected in the eyes of a three year old. The rest of the family will be over at about noon. Madeline was asking me, person by person, is Auntie coming? yes. Is Sister coming? yes. Will mama be here? yes. I nearly cried when she asked if Uncle is coming. No, he is far away in a war. But he did call yesterday and he sounds good.

Yesterday the phone rang so many times. So many people in AA were calling, just to check in, just to say hello, just to talk. It was really heart-warming. The old b.f. called too and that was nice.

God Bless all my sober blogging buddies. I hope you all have just the kind of Christmas you want - even if it is that you don't want one at all.

"When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible." -- Declaration of the 30th Anniversary International Convention, 1965

Out a here...

It is approximately 5 a.m., and I am heading out the door to the grocery store. I hope to purchase my a nice roast for our roast beef and yorkshire pudding dinner tomorrow.

It is wacked to be in the Denver area right now in the aftermath of that massive blizzard. Last night at the 5:30 meeting there were so many stories of people who hadn't been to a meeting for a week (like me) and who had lost their peace of mind on the roads yesterday (like me) and who didn't have their Christmas shopping done (like me), but were grateful to be sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (like me.) I could detail the fiascos of yesterday, but what is the point?

So I am heading to the grocery store now, hopefully before the herds show up, and then I am heading to a 6:30 meeting. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous.

"This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62

Getting on with life, I hope..

I hope to get out of here today. I hope to get to work. I would like to kiss my desk when I get there. I hope to get to an AA meeting tonight. I have not driven my car since Monday morning. I have not worked since last Thursday. I have not run since last Friday. I have not been to an AA meeting since Saturday.

All of this time away from everything has given me some perspective on my life. I really like my life. I really like my job, I really like my AA meetings, I really love running and I am so grateful that I am able to do all of this. Running may still have to wait a day or two because I am still not 100% physically.

When I told my story last week, my new friend Gemma was there, and we talked on Sunday. She had no idea the kind of wreckage I had come from. She was so amazed that I was able to go from total destitution and homelessness (at 9 years of sobriety) to getting an entry level job, starting college at 43, and having a masters degree by the time I was 50. I now have a management job, a nice home, etc. Of course, she said what so many say to me - "you don't give yourself enough credit." It is all wonderful, and I am so grateful that I was able to do that. But no matter what, the most important thing today is that I am sober, and have a relationship with God.

I am grateful, grateful, grateful.

"Today there is absolutely nothing in the world more important to me than keeping this alcoholic sober; not taking a drink is by far the most important thing I do each day." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 415

Digging out

I shoveled last night - and still there was an additional 18 inches that fell over night.
My neighbor, God bless her, came over and helped me dig out.
Look at my trash cans - buried under feet of snow.
I never saw such a pile of snow!
Finally got it done.
Front Porch now.

So much snow.

It's almost spooky out there. It is totally silent and everything is shrouded with several feet of snow. I got an e-mail from the Governor asking me not to go to work. Well, I guess I can comply with a request like that! It has been a week since I have been to work now, and I am really anxious to get back though. Really.

I almost finished the last pair of socks for Christmas presents (see HNT) but ran out of yarn. It will be days before I will be able to get more yarn. I have not run for 6 days now. I don't even know if I will be able to get out of here tomorrow. Thank God I did that little bit of Christmas shopping on Tuesday night, because the little ones have their pressies under the tree, and that is the important thing.

I have not been to a meeting since Saturday and I really would dearly love to go to a meeting. I have been on the phone a lot with my AA friends. We are all homebound. When I was new in AA, I would spend hours each day on the phone with my AA buddies. I think about ten years ago this really changed when I got my first computer and internet access. Suddenly we were e-mailing. I think I prefer the phone or face to face. Maybe it is just because that is how it was when I was new. I don't know.

I am so grateful to have a warm home, plenty of food, all that I need. Especially that I have friends and family who care about me and my welfare. I am grateful to be part of this wonderful sober blogging community, thank you all.

"The lone member at sea, the AA at war in a far land - all these members know that they belong to AA's world-wide community, that theirs is only a physical separation, that their fellows may be as near as the next port of call. Every so importantly, they are certain that God's grace is just as much with them on the high seas or the lonely outpost as it is with them at home." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 9

@ noon...

My little street, and a couple of neighbors shoveling snow.

This poor little tree - so overburdened with snow. (I knocked it off, after I took the picture.)

Thank God for the telephone and my friends in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My bedroom window... at about 2:30 p.m.

The "view".

at 5:00 p.m.

It's nice and cozy inside...

Blizzard! and oh, and I think I am going to live...

View from the front porch this morning. The snow is really coming down. It is technically a blizzard since the wind is blowing. We are supposed to get up to 20 inches of snow today. As you can see, there are a couple of inches now, but it is blowing around, so there are the beginnings of drifts around. Expect more pictures...

I am still not well. I am still not going to work today because I would not appreciate me coming to work if I were someone else. I am totally socially unacceptable with dripping snot and sickeningly "productive" coughing. But I feel so much better! Yesterday I really thought for a couple of hours that I might have pneumonia and might be dying. Yes, I am an alcoholic, and yes, I have quite the natural flair for drama, but MAN, I was SICK.

Yesterday afternoon my daughter came over and brought me some herbal cold remedy. I talked her into taking me to Target to do some quick Christmas shopping for my granddaughters. In less than an hour, I got enough stuff to put under my tree so it looks like a certain jolly old elf (from the North Pole, or Montana, or wherever) took note of my beautiful Olivia and Madeline.

I am so grateful to be among the living again. I am still sitting in my jammies, I am still sick and disgusting, leaving trails of kleenex, etc., I haven't washed my hair since Saturday, I haven't run since Friday - BUT! I am having a cup of coffee for the first time in days, I am looking forward to being myself again, I have a Christmas tree with gifts for the children underneath, I have friends in AA who have called me to check on me and offered their help, it is a real, honest to goodness blizzard out there, and I don't have to go out in it.

"Regardless of worldy success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AA's Twelve Steps." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Too Sick

I am only posting because I don't want anyone to worry needlessly about me. I am still sick as sh**.

I have a fever, so I probably don't make sense, but the one thing I have to say is "I miss myself." I want to be the me I see the evidence of all over this place. The me who leaves coffee cups with lipstick on the rims, the me who has running shoes by the bed - with the cutest little socks you ever saw, the me who runs through this place like a tornado - always in a hurry, always running late. This is now my fourth day without running. I wouldn't even consider going outside and walking right now. In fact, I think I might should go to the doctor, but I have not got the strength to do that. I feel BAD.

I am going back to bed. Thanks for all of your well-wishes. You guys and gals are wonderful.

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.53

Still Sick

I just woke up. The wheezing was so bad last night, at one point I was wondering how the birds were singing in the middle of the night in the middle of the winter - but it was me. This is my third day without running. I hope it is not many more days, I miss it terribly and will lose fitness.

Last night, instead of going to the meeting and spreading germs, I got on the phone with AA friends. It was remarkable to me that the people who are sober a few years are busy complaining about traffic, prices, other people's behavior - while my friends who have been sober 30 years or so, just wanted to talk about how wonderful life is. I would have to say that I am somewhere in the middle of this equation, but hoping to get closer to the 30 year behavior some day. I guess I can make a conscious effort towards this by just trying to focus on what's good instead of what's bad!

"If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 288

Sick Sunday Morning

Oh my goodness. It seems like a very very long time since I have been this sick. My brain doesn't even feel engaged. I feel foggy and weird and I want to be myself again! I am not even THINKING of running today, and didn't yesterday either.

I felt pretty sick last night when I was trying to talk, I felt pretty spacey and discombobulated. It was so special that Motorcycle Mike and his lovely wife were there. They are such neat people, I am so glad that I have gotten to meet them through this blog.

I am going to meet my friend Gemma at church this morning and then we are having a pancake breakfast at the church. After that, I shall come home and plant my sick butt on the sofa and watch football. Can the Broncos really lose 5 games in a row after such a stellar start to the season?

"The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense. To me, this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however little and haltingly, toward His own likeness and image. Before the coming of faith I had lived as an alien in a cosmos that too often seemed both hostile and cruel. In it there could be no inner security for me." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51

Saturday Morning

I am sick. I have bronchitis. I could not get up to get to the meeting this morning. It is after 8 a.m., and I am sitting here in my flannel jammies, drinking some coffee, trying to get ready to get out of here. I still have Christmas shopping to do, to mail a package to New York in time for Christmas - I think I have to do that today!

My birthday was wonderful yesterday. It was good to tell my story - although I found 20 minutes a very short amount of time. (Tonight I will have an hour to tell it.) Even though I was sick, I did go to the lake and run 5.5 miles - that was so important to me. I am glad I did it. I went and got a manicure for a little birthday treat, and came home and made cheesecake for dessert for the family. The family came over and it was great fun. We ordered pizza because I was too sick to do anything else last night. My son was able to call me on my birthday which meant a lot to me. All three of my brothers called and so did my sister. So I heard from really all of my close relatives. The former boyfriend called last night too - I am not sure why he has called me 2X in the last week.

I am so grateful for the life I have today. It may not be perfect, but it is so incredibly wonderful - not for opulence or worldly success or even a studly man by my side - but for peace of mind, and the feeling that I am on the right path. I looked at the people in that room yesterday as I was speaking and was overwhelmed with love for them. I looked over at C., who drove me home from the hospital after my surgery in 1999, and helped me move in 1995, and 1998, at H., who wrapped a little birthday present for me yesterday, at L., who with C. and I tried to climb a 14er back in 1998 - I was the one who couldn't make it past 13,000 feet, but they all headed back down with me because that was the deal. I saw M. who spent a day in my crawl space back in the day, fixing a pipe that had exploded. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. And this is the group I started attending when I had 10 years of sobriety, so I have always thought of it as recent history. I think I realized yesterday that I have a deep history with this group as well as my old home group.

That is the stuff that makes my life worthwhile.

Thank you Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Still you may say ' But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book.' We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

12/15/1951

Fifty-five years ago today, a little girl was born, the youngest of five children. She was a cute little thing, but she didn't know it. She was a bright little girl, but she didn't know that either. Because of a disease that she didn't even know she had (alcoholism), she suffered from never feeling like she was good enough, never felt that she fit in, never felt she belonged - anywhere.

Thank God I drank enough to get desperate enough to get to Alcoholics Anonymous - where I knew immediately that I belonged. I realized I was good enough for AA, I fit right in, and I had found my home. Through finding my home in AA, I was able to venture out in the world, knowing that those former beliefs were just self-centered nonsense. When that crap tries to start back up, which it does, I just remind myself that it is ego driven bullshit and ask God to help me - which he never fails to do.

This morning, I realize that I have been sober for 40% of my entire life. I intend, with the help of God, to increase that ratio every year until they plant my sober old remains in the ground.

Today I join another age group in many ways. I can get a cheap breakfast at Perkins (which I may do once or twice a decade.) I am 5 years into eligibility for AARP (which I refuse to join.) BUT the important thing is that I am in a different age group for races! I hope that I may actually start placing in races since my belief is that the competition will thin out. We shall see.

This morning, after speaking at an AA meeting at 6:30 a.m., I am going to go to a nearby lake and run 5.5 miles. One mile for each decade of my life. I did the same when I was 30, I ran 3 miles, and I thought it was huge. I am thrilled to be able to do this.

God has so abundantly blessed me. And one of those blessings is you sober bloggers. Thank you so much for what you add to my sobriety - it is considerable.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Some things...

Of which I am a bit too proud. I don't feel well this morning and I have no creativity at all. Could not think of one single creative / cute/ clever photo idea this morning, so I resorted to showing off.

I did go to the gym this morning and run 3.1 miles. I just can't not run right now even though my chest is on fire and I probably have a bit of a fever - but those freaking cookies yesterday MUST be burned off. Once I started eating sugar again, it was all over. That shit is evil.

Today I am going out for a Thai lunch which will be good. Then I need to leave work early for a Physical Therapy appointment, I will race from there to my 5:30 meeting. And I am off tomorrrow for my 55th birthday. Yikes.

"We have been talking about problems because we are problem people who have found a way up and out, and who wish to share our knowledge of that way with all who can use it. For it is only by accepting and solving our problems that we can begin to get right with ourselves and with the world about us, and with Him who presides over us all." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 125