I can't believe I have been at this blog for 1800 posts. For at least 1700 of them, I have sat down, just like tonight, saying to myself, "whatever will I write about now?" And yet, I have prayed each time before I have written and I do believe that God has helped me to write some of the posts. My ego has been heavily involved in some of them too, it is clear.
I am suffering, as you have been able to tell lately. I am reminded of something a character on one of my favorite shows said. It was the HBO series "Six Feet Under," the character was played by Kathy Bates, she befriended the family matriarch "Ruth" and encouraged her to shoplift - told her that as a middle aged woman she was invisible. And Ruth discovered it was true as she placed a lipstick and then a scarf into her handbag in a department store and no one even noticed.
On Sunday I went to the butcher's counter at Whole Foods and told the young man I wanted beef or pork. He told me all about the specials on chicken this and chicken that. I repeated that I wanted beef or pork. Then he went on to tell me about the turkey items he had in stock. I finally told him "I do NOT want poultry! I want RED MEAT!" He looked up at me like I had just arrived from Mars, but he did manage to tell me about beef and pork. And I purchased a nice fatty piece of beef, just like I wanted.
At work I am dealing with recently promoted women who are much younger than I. Much less educated and experienced than I. And, dare I say? Much prettier. Young enough to be my daughters. I remember when I was the young woman. I will never forget a woman saying something about my ankles being thinner than hers and she thought that was why the boss liked me better than her. Well, my ankles are still thin, but they and the rest of me is old now.
I have even noticed lately in AA meetings that the new people don't listen to me the way they used to. I remember an old boyfriend who never wanted to listen to "old ladies," and I would tell him he needed to listen to them especially.
You know, someone recently got on me for ALWAYS talking about how long I have been sober and I told him I don't do that. But I am going to talk about it now. And for a good reason. At least for me it is a good reason.
- In my sobriety I have seen the first day of school for my daughters. I cried. I didn't want their preschool years to end. I loved being a housewife with them at home. But by the time I got home from driving them to school, I was grateful that I could go to a noon meeting that day.
- In my sobriety, I went through a divorce from the father of my children. That was one of the most difficult things I have ever faced. Probably because it was something I never should have done. He loved me and I loved him. But I listened to people in AA and thought it would be better if we were not together. But I stayed sober and lived through that experience.
- I dated men and fell in love and broke hearts and had my heart broken in sobriety. It was all a part of living.
- I married someone I met in AA. He ended up not being a nice man. That experience taught me more in a few years than I ever could have learned by having "nice" experiences.
- I got to be with my father as he was dying. It was one of the greatest privileges of my life. I could never have done that if I had not been sober.
- From somewhere, I got the courage to walk into a college at the age of 43, and fill out and application and start college. From nothing.
- I finished up and had my masters by the time I was 50.
- I went from living on peoples' couches to owning a home and all that goes with that, including hurting my back pulling weeds.
- After having lost custody of my children, they came back into my life. I have a close relationship with all three of them today, and my two granddaughters.
My point is: I came to AA as a young woman. Now I am not. I am not alone, even though I feel that I am right now. I have gone through all of these life events as a sober woman, and I will go through this as a sober woman too. God is always here.
I had always hoped that I would "age gracefully," but I am afraid I don't even know what that means. I am finding this more difficult than just about anything I have ever done. It just recently snuck up on me and smacked me. (so don't give me advice about aging unless you are over 58.75 years old, thank you.)
I will see the chiropractor tomorrow. Being out of pain would likely go a long way towards helping my frame of mind.
Thanks for listening.