While gone, I got to go to a very good AA meeting. Just a noon meeting in a meeting hall in a small town in Colorado. A bunch of old men, mainly, dropping in at lunch time. In varying stages of sobriety. No one bragged about how long they were sober, and no one acted sheepish because they were "ONLY" sober days or months. Later I found out a humble gentleman I met there was sober over 40 years. He not once acted the sober fool the way we do, with our chests puffed up, bragging about this or that, or having that phony humility "I've been sober a FEW 24 hours..." oh, puh-lease! AND, they talked about the 9th step. A real step discussion!
I got to visit with my sponsor and her husband. When you see someone only every few months, you get to notice their aging. It is not something I am enjoying. I think they are much more OK with it than I am. I did get to join them in their morning meditation yesterday, and that was wonderful.
I had a point to this post, but I haven't gotten around to it yet, I guess I better do that.
I sometimes get comments congratulating me on winning my battle against alcoholism, or being strong and brave not to drink all these years. I wonder how I could ever explain that I have no battle whatsoever with my alcoholism, and I am certainly not strong or brave. I surrendered, I gave up, I stopped fighting long ago. I was fighting it when I was still trying to drink. That was a battle every single day. But when you are done drinking and you surrender, it is not a battle to quit drinking. For me, I was just done. It was over. I gave up. It won. But I got to walk away. And walk away I did.
The work begins with trying to discover what person is really in there under all that garbage that we need to cover ourselves with in order to live an alcoholic life. That is what the steps are all about. It has been a long process to get rid of all that junk to discover the person God made. For me, I think it shall take a lifetime. I have to go against my instincts every single day of my sober life. My default is: selfish, self-centered, self-pitying, and just plain ugly. But by the Grace of God, most days I don't live like that.
The woman I was drank, and she will drink again. I need to be an entirely new person in order to stay sober. God can change me. I cannot change me.
Surrender to win. If you are alcoholic and have had enough to drink, this makes sense. Otherwise, it probably sounds like jibberish.
Thank God I drank enough to be ready for this wonderful way of life.