Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Tears in the Tanning Bed

I went to the tanning salon tonight on my way home from work. I cried the entire time I was in there. I guess it was the only place I could do that. Oh, who knows why I feel the way I do? I could give you a list of reasons, but nothing has changed from 3 weeks ago when I felt just fine. Except a couple of weeks ago someone really did something under-handed to me at work and I seem to be having difficulty not letting it color my entire world.

Oh, and I hurt my back over the weekend doing something so incredibly stupid - I have trained for months to do this half-marathon on Saturday. I have spent hundreds of, if not a thousand or more, dollars on a chiropractor to get my back healthy so that I can run. I was finally without pain last week. And in two hours in my back yard, I undid all of that and have been in pain ever since. I can tell you that in the scheme of things I don't care that much about weeds in my back yard. The half-marathon? I care deeply about that. So, why did I do this? This morning when I should have been running, I went back to bed.

I will try to see if I can spend another $60 tomorrow to see my chiropractor - perhaps she can get me straightened back out. That could happen.

I could tell you more things that are contributing to this sense of ill-being, but there is no point. So, because I usually have readers each day who need an encouraging word, this is the best I can do today...

I am an alcoholic, and I am extremely unhappy right now. The thought of a drink has not ONCE entered my mind.

I have been able to still make all my commitments, even though I would rather tell everyone to find some other sucker, I have shown up with a smile on my face.

On Sunday, I am getting on a train and will spend eight hours getting to the other side of the state. My sponsor will pick me up at the station and I will get to spend 36 or so hours with her.

Deep in my heart, I know that "this too shall pass." I have been here before and I know it is a transient place. I also know that my sense of well-being is not an accurate gauge of my real well-being. I may be drawing closer to God and it may hurt like hell. Sometimes we think that all spiritual experiences should FEEL good, and in my experience, they don't. Maybe I am just having a selfish fit, maybe I am not. No one who knows me thinks I am, but I seldom rule that one out right away.

I am going to have some popcorn for dinner now. And I am going to put real melted butter on it. (and then I will have something in my stomach when I take my fish oil)

Do you all know about Rule #62? I think I need to pay some attention to that one right now.

"Don't take yourself too damn seriously." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 149


Kelly said...

I love popcorn with real butter. It is my favorite :)

Its good that you know that this to shall pass, but you are accepting your feelings at the same time.

Syd said...

I think that I know the feeling. It feels to me like a great unease in my soul. I can only say that once I get back into steps 2 and 3, the unease eases up. I hope that your back feels better soon. Chiros can work wonders.

Linda Myers said...

When my back doesn't hurt, finally, after I've fallen in some stupid way, I feel brand new.

Aren't we lucky we have some steps?

shadowlands said...

Hope you feel better soon Mary Christine. I am in Wales at the moment(short vacation) and can't get internet access readily, hence no posting.

Kim A. said...

I hope you feel better soon. I am still in awe of your running commitment and you inspire me to get off my arse and get moving. You are healthier than I am right now...that is no small thing....


dAAve said...

I understand all of that and think maybe a gratitude list could be in order, eh?

Howz your sober daughter?
Howz your son and his new wife? And life?
Howz it going at your meetings and all the lifelong friendships you've made there?
blah blah blah

Hope said...

Thinking of you today, lighting my Mary candle for you. I'm glad you get to see your sponsor soon.

~~BRB Queen~~ said...

"Sometimes we think that all spiritual experiences should FEEL good, and in my experience, they don't. "

So true. I am so greatful for those that shared that with me from the very beginning.

I hope you get some relief from your back.

Carrie Burtt said...

I think you have been pushing yourself really hard, and you needed to give yourself a break. You are such an inspiration for so many feeling good or feeling bad. I am glad you took it easy, and had some popcorn with butter on it! And sometimes you do just need a "good cry". Hope your back gets better soon. Thanks for giving me inspiration even when you are in pain. :-)

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Well even if mean people do suck I believe you will eventually rise to the level of spiritual experience in this one... all weather and past blogs indicate this to be the truth!

Did you see MrSponsorpants entry today?


It's good to have a heart so big that you find yourself with feelings about people and situations that are deep and complex...it's also good to know we can grow beyond the hard feelings and just go with the heart

no preaching intended or alterior motives either,

I just thought the picture in words was beautiful and that bigger heart reminded me of you!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

ulterior, that's ulterior.

that girl said...

hearing the words 'this soon will pass' has helped me many a times. feel better!