Thursday, September 29, 2011
Heartbreak on a September Morning
My heart hurts for my daughter today. Yesterday she called her father to tell him she really wants to have a relationship with him and wanted to know what she could do to help that happen. He told her it would never happen because she is a "scum bag drug addict." And she has ruined his life. He will never allow her back into his life. I guess the fact that she is 33 months sober and is doing everything humanly possible to rehab her life doesn't factor into his calculations.
I am so grateful that I have this program and this way of life. I have not been allowed to wallow in hatred, resentment, and ugliness. The penalty for doing those things is well, I guess, it is being like him. Also grateful for the reminder of why I have been divorced from this man for the last 27 years. I usually remember the good times and not so much the bad. But this is a reminder of what it was really like. And why I could not possibly have remained with him.
But my poor daughter is devastated. She made sure she had someone with her all day yesterday. And she has school all day today, so she will be busy. But I can only speculate about what this must feel like for her.
I can't make it better for her. I can't change the reality. But I can be here, always here, always her mama - and she has never had any reason to doubt that I love her. At least she has one parent.
We have always agreed that it was divine intervention that gave us each other as mother and daughter. I am grateful for that, for both of us. And I am grateful she said she had no desire to drink or to use.