Tuesday, September 27, 2011
We've got work to do...
I was trying to think of a title, and just now I heard the President on the television say "We've got work to do..." and I thought it was apropos. I have a full day ahead of me. I have to be exceptionally nice today, and that sounds like it might be work. There is a big shindig at work and I have been part of the planning and organization and today I get to be a semi-hostess. We are going to wear black skirts or slacks and white tops of some sort. I almost went shopping but then realized I have changed my ways and I am not shopping for every little thing anymore. I found four different white blouses/sweaters in my closet and picked the one I like the best that will be comfortable on a hot day. I also had to find a pair of shoes with an open back because I cannot fit these blistered heels into any of my regular high heels.
Yesterday I took a friend from work out for lunch. She needed someone to talk to. I asked her in the morning if she was really "OK" like she said, and her eyes welled up and she told me she couldn't talk about it. I asked her if she wanted to have lunch and she said yes. Her beautiful baby grandson was mauled by the family dog on Sunday. He was rushed to the hospital and had surgery on his beautiful little face. What do you say about that? I just listened, told her I was here, if she needs anything, I'll keep all of them in my prayers, etc.
When I got off work, I got phone calls. So many people in crisis. I wonder if it is something in the air. I know that some of it is an artifact of this (horrible) economy.
Blogging, although I have come to appreciate how much I love it and how much a part of my life it has become, is a strange way to have a relationship. I have come to care deeply about people I have met here. Some of them I have met later face to face, some of them not. But when one of them was in so much pain she was talking about taking her own life yesterday, I felt so powerless and realized the limitations of this way of relating. I don't have her phone number, I had several e-mail addresses for her but apparently she never got my e-mail. I don't know. I know that she is alive because she is still posting. But I am so worried about her.
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about all these people.
I have to look back at the things I have lived through in my sobriety. Things I thought would kill me. But they didn't kill me. I was OK. When I say "OK," it might not be your idea of "OK." Homeless is not most people's idea of OK. But I walked through that. I walked through two divorces. A violent husband. Losing custody of my children. A restraining order so I couldn't even see them (these things happen when your ex marries a lawyer). A child with alcoholism. A child who spent 15 years as a meth addict (and is now sober over two and a half years).
I lost everything, but I gained everything. Because I found out I was OK regardless of my circumstances. It didn't take a fat checkbook to make me feel secure (because it never could). It didn't take a new boyfriend to make me feel "loved," because I knew I had the love of God. My kids didn't have to be perfect and we didn't have to have a perfect relationship. And I knew that as long as I didn't take a drink, I could get through any of these things. I remember truly "getting" the meaning of living in the moment when I couldn't bear the thought of even an hour ahead. I could focus on how I was OK in this moment - and then try to stay there.
So, odds are, I can get through anything in my future too. And you all can too, with the help of God.