Friday, September 23, 2011

We're going to be OK - you told me so.

This is a photo I took while running along the beach in Galveston, TX.  It was taken with a cell phone, so the quality of the photo is not good, but it is still one of my very favorites.

Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking on the phone with a sponsee.  This is actually a good time for me to talk on the phone.  She is a nice person and asked me how I am doing.  I am an honest person, so I told her I am not doing well.  I don't believe in the idea that the sponsor is perfect at all times and has all answers, although I realize this puts me in some kind of minority.  Anyway, after telling her briefly what is going on, she said:

We're going to be OK - you told me so - and I believe you!  

It made me smile and cry at the same time.  My sponsor used to tell me "Remember what I say because someday you may need to tell me."  So, I got patted on my own back I guess.  And I know it is true.  We're going to be OK - as long as we trust in God and don't decide to take that first drink.

Later in the day, after an hour or so in my office, weeping, sobbing, with the door closed -  I thought - this has to stop.  What in the hell!  I have worked there for a long, long time, and have done this only a few times - and with good reason.  I had no good reason to cry yesterday.  I just felt miserable, unhappy, useless, hopeless, unloved, well, you get the idea.  

And it occurred to me - I started taking a medication to prevent migraines exactly a month ago yesterday.  I knew it was making me feel physically ill, but I think it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that I have had a drastic nosedive in my mood since then.  

And since I work with medical professionals, I talked with a couple of them.  One of them said that she had been worried about me because I have been so unhappy, uncharacteristically unhappy.  She was wondering what was wrong.  Well, there are things wrong, there are always things wrong, but I have lost my ability to cope.  

So, I did not take the medication last night.  And it will take a while to get out of my system.  And I know I will have migraines.  But I can deal with migraines.  

I remember talking with a physician several years ago.  He said "you just don't metabolize medications like other people!"  Yep, that is a fact.  Most alcoholics I have known don't.  They either need enough to sink a ship, or like me, have outrageous adverse drug reactions to tiny dosages of innocuous drugs.  

I just need to be as drug free as I possibly can.  I need my happy self back.  I need to not sit behind a locked door in the daytime crying.  

I am in a super cool race on Sunday!  Yay!  I can be me again.  

Thank you God.  


Syd said...

I hope that being off the migraine meds does the trick. And I hope that you have a great day and a serene race. You are a special person to me and many others, MC.

Ms Jones said...

MC - you really tell it like it is. I have kept coming back to read that. I have seen where you haven't been "ok" but really wondered would our words help? Prayers for you? There have been times (sober ones) that your blog has kept me focused and I thank you for that. Maybe it's time WE give back to you. Prayers to you, you special woman of God!

Gin said...

I believe you will be just fine. =) Have a wonderful time at your race, maybe it will be just the jolt you need.

Katharine Hope said...


I have chronic migraines and have tried many medications, many greatly affected my mood. Dosage also played a big role for me.

I think doctors often underplay the (frequent) side effects of meds.

I was on one drug that I am still on, that greatly improved my migraines but was making feel well, never happy--never quite myself. After consulting my doc I adjusted it just 12.5% and it made ALL the difference.

Previous to the drug that worked on my headaches, I took migraine preventatives that made me cry and cry. So I believe we need to trust our bodies. So hard to do when we are at the mercy of pain, and powerless over so many things. Drugs are powerful mood adjusters, as anybody in recovery knows!

Good for you for speaking up to your sponsee, to yourself, to being aware of the truth so you can move forward and find the solution.

Lou said...

Will you tell ME we are going to be OK...

Mary Christine said...

Thank you for your kindness everyone.

And Lou, right now I could not even tell myself it is going to be OK. sorry. That is why I needed someone else to tell me.

Pammie said...

Mary, when I had my procedure done on Monday...they did not have to give me any of the "twilight drug." Instead I took one....ONE 20mg. Benydril and snored for 6 hours straight. We are just different that way.....DAMN IT!
I am praying that stopping your medication will indeed improve your emotional state.