This is a photo I took while running along the beach in Galveston, TX. It was taken with a cell phone, so the quality of the photo is not good, but it is still one of my very favorites.
Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking on the phone with a sponsee. This is actually a good time for me to talk on the phone. She is a nice person and asked me how I am doing. I am an honest person, so I told her I am not doing well. I don't believe in the idea that the sponsor is perfect at all times and has all answers, although I realize this puts me in some kind of minority. Anyway, after telling her briefly what is going on, she said:
We're going to be OK - you told me so - and I believe you!
It made me smile and cry at the same time. My sponsor used to tell me "Remember what I say because someday you may need to tell me." So, I got patted on my own back I guess. And I know it is true. We're going to be OK - as long as we trust in God and don't decide to take that first drink.
Later in the day, after an hour or so in my office, weeping, sobbing, with the door closed - I thought - this has to stop. What in the hell! I have worked there for a long, long time, and have done this only a few times - and with good reason. I had no good reason to cry yesterday. I just felt miserable, unhappy, useless, hopeless, unloved, well, you get the idea.
And it occurred to me - I started taking a medication to prevent migraines exactly a month ago yesterday. I knew it was making me feel physically ill, but I think it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that I have had a drastic nosedive in my mood since then.
And since I work with medical professionals, I talked with a couple of them. One of them said that she had been worried about me because I have been so unhappy, uncharacteristically unhappy. She was wondering what was wrong. Well, there are things wrong, there are always things wrong, but I have lost my ability to cope.
So, I did not take the medication last night. And it will take a while to get out of my system. And I know I will have migraines. But I can deal with migraines.
I remember talking with a physician several years ago. He said "you just don't metabolize medications like other people!" Yep, that is a fact. Most alcoholics I have known don't. They either need enough to sink a ship, or like me, have outrageous adverse drug reactions to tiny dosages of innocuous drugs.
I just need to be as drug free as I possibly can. I need my happy self back. I need to not sit behind a locked door in the daytime crying.
I am in a super cool race on Sunday! Yay! I can be me again.
Thank you God.